I don't think it is fully true. But maybe a little part of it. Here is what I mean.
I ruminate a lot about my future. I am scared how much other people will be affected by my suicide. I think my suicide is kind of inevitable but I can decide on its point of time. I currently postpone my suicide. For other people but also for me. There is like this tiny chance for success and I keep trying as long as I can cope with it. I had some rewards for fighting the fight but I am pessimistic on the outcome. I had the thought of the title yesterday. I met my best friend and my dad. I worried a lot how they will be affected by my suicide. My friends are kind of prepared. I also explained it to my parents. They are stupid as fuck (probably that is the reason why they abused me) and forgot everything. I see a very very grim future for my family. First I wanted to prepare them. Though either they don't believe me or they worry too much. So I changed my strategy and act like everything was okay. Also with a certain therapist in a clinic who suffered a lot about my tragic case (child abuse that leads to suicide. If had taken some drugs he would not care which is kind of a weird policy but seemingly a way for him to deal with his job). I really hate to disappoint people. This is why I try to keep the expectations low usually. But I changed this strategy for my family and therapists. I am scared that therapists would give me up if I was fully honest how desperate the situation is. Maybe they would blame it on intersubjectivity. Let's say this was true. I really count this factor in my considerations. I only commit suicide after failing this last big recovery attempt. I wait and look how my life develops. Maybe I was wrong they were right and I am only a victim of a thinking fallacy. I wish this was true. And I try to find it out. Though there are many good arguments against that. Though I won't elaborate on that in this thread.
I look how I can minimize the damage that is caused by my suicide. In a certain way this currently is also the best strategy to make the best out of my life. I am currently in a way better mood than some years ago. (I know holy crap how horrible must I have felt in these years. Well I plan to kill myself when this crap returns I think this might be an answer for that question.) I am quite sure I cannot survive without the help of my parents. So it is pretty likely that I kill myself at the latest when they are dead. I think they would be the ones who suffer the most. Probably because they are aware how they raised me led to that decision. They love me but they are complete fools and morons who thought the violence would help my development. Well if you have such parents you really need a forum like this. I still try to postpone my suicide till they are dead. But this will be pretty difficult. My mom had a stroke some time ago. And my extreme nightmare scenario is I relapse or attempt suicide, survive and she dies or gets severely disabled. Honestly this is the most frightening scenario that I think about and only thinking about it makes my anxiety level skyrocketing. I plan to kill myself after the next crash from mania into depression but when I fail I might have to live with the guilt to have crippled my mom. It is even worse than that. I am fully dependent on her support. Without her help this family was fucked. So I am in a fucking dilemma. So for me the best strategy is to postpone the relapse as long as I can. Also for the sake of my own life quality. I think only extreme pain can drive me over the edge. The whole scenario would be completely different if suicide was easy and secure. I was naive as a teenager and thought like that. But I think it will cost me huge amount of suffering to overcome my SI. But I am pretty sure with the right method available I would already be dead.
I think emotionally it will be the worst for my parents. I doubt I can stay stable for the coming decades they are alive. The stakes are pretty high. And it scares the shit out of me. I am always argueing with my mom for abusing me when I am in extreme pain. Now since her stroke I should not do that. But I think I cannot stop my hatred under severe pain. So many more problems which emerged. Honestly all of this is so extremely scary. All the scenarios are way more scary for me than just death.
I think my friends will somewhat cope with it. It will hurt them a lot. But I could imagine it kills my parents. And I might survive. The pressure of not relapsing is so extremely high. It is extremely crippling and crushing. I just remembered this certain therapist (who cares about it) once said to me if you have the mindset that you will kill yourself after the next failure you will fail for sure. Maybe he was refering to the extreme pressure that is crushing you. Leading to a somewhat self-fulfiling prophecy. Well I have this mindset since two years since I started to attend university again. So far I have not relapsed but only due to the addictive medication. It is true the pressure is almost unbearable. However I think even without the component of committing suicide the pressure was insane. When I relapse I will feel again this extremely torturous psychosomatic pain. It lasted for more than 2,5 years last time. Yeah it is almost as scary as all these thoughts of killing myself. I am not even sure what is worse.
I am not sure whether I am rambling. The whole situation is fully fucked. The future of this family is completely doomed. And I am the only one who realized it. The rest of my family lives in a dream world. The next decades will be insanely painful for us if no miracle happens. This family is not used to poverty. But noone will be working. That is scary as fuck. Blame games will start, arguments etc. Honestly it will be so horrible. And these people are just too blind not to see it. I am very sure I cannot work and I think my sister neither. We are fucked. I even think maybe an early fast death for example by an heartattack would be the best way for my parents before all that shit is going to happen. When they have to witness the consequences of their actions. Though my dad will blame foreigners in any case anyway. I kind of envy my grandmother. She probably does not have to witness our demise. She is so proud of me having these good (useless) grades. Well I have OCD at a level I will never be able to hold a usual job. I just shut my mouth about it because I think the panic about it would not solve the problem anyway. The whole thing is scary as fuck. But I cannot do anything. I just wish I had an accident which could kill me quickly. Even if it involved pain I would not care. I think doing it by myself increases the pain a lot. I don't want to do it by myself. Though I wish I could just sleep and never wake up.
I think everything is said and the core message could have been summed up in 1/3 of the text. But this writing is somewhat cathartic. Well to make the thread even longer. Another potential thread idea of mine for day was: "Maybe only truely sad people can cope with the sadness of this forum." I mean explaining this story could make average people cry. I feel like here in this forum the people are used to misery. Of course there is the danger that it becomes too much. One has to know his/her limits and recognize whether it influences one's mental health badly. And if that is the case take a break or stop visiting the forum. Though usually when I am already depressed and I go to this forum read some stories of other users I think well I am at least not the only person in misery, full of fears, desperation etc. I feel less alone when I am here writing and reading here. Moreover when I read stories of other people who have it even worse I am reminded of certain privileges that I have. Like very good friends that I can fully trust.
So I hope this thread did not ruin anyone's mood. Please feel hugged and thanks for reading this wall of text. Holy I just realized how huge the wall is.
I ruminate a lot about my future. I am scared how much other people will be affected by my suicide. I think my suicide is kind of inevitable but I can decide on its point of time. I currently postpone my suicide. For other people but also for me. There is like this tiny chance for success and I keep trying as long as I can cope with it. I had some rewards for fighting the fight but I am pessimistic on the outcome. I had the thought of the title yesterday. I met my best friend and my dad. I worried a lot how they will be affected by my suicide. My friends are kind of prepared. I also explained it to my parents. They are stupid as fuck (probably that is the reason why they abused me) and forgot everything. I see a very very grim future for my family. First I wanted to prepare them. Though either they don't believe me or they worry too much. So I changed my strategy and act like everything was okay. Also with a certain therapist in a clinic who suffered a lot about my tragic case (child abuse that leads to suicide. If had taken some drugs he would not care which is kind of a weird policy but seemingly a way for him to deal with his job). I really hate to disappoint people. This is why I try to keep the expectations low usually. But I changed this strategy for my family and therapists. I am scared that therapists would give me up if I was fully honest how desperate the situation is. Maybe they would blame it on intersubjectivity. Let's say this was true. I really count this factor in my considerations. I only commit suicide after failing this last big recovery attempt. I wait and look how my life develops. Maybe I was wrong they were right and I am only a victim of a thinking fallacy. I wish this was true. And I try to find it out. Though there are many good arguments against that. Though I won't elaborate on that in this thread.
I look how I can minimize the damage that is caused by my suicide. In a certain way this currently is also the best strategy to make the best out of my life. I am currently in a way better mood than some years ago. (I know holy crap how horrible must I have felt in these years. Well I plan to kill myself when this crap returns I think this might be an answer for that question.) I am quite sure I cannot survive without the help of my parents. So it is pretty likely that I kill myself at the latest when they are dead. I think they would be the ones who suffer the most. Probably because they are aware how they raised me led to that decision. They love me but they are complete fools and morons who thought the violence would help my development. Well if you have such parents you really need a forum like this. I still try to postpone my suicide till they are dead. But this will be pretty difficult. My mom had a stroke some time ago. And my extreme nightmare scenario is I relapse or attempt suicide, survive and she dies or gets severely disabled. Honestly this is the most frightening scenario that I think about and only thinking about it makes my anxiety level skyrocketing. I plan to kill myself after the next crash from mania into depression but when I fail I might have to live with the guilt to have crippled my mom. It is even worse than that. I am fully dependent on her support. Without her help this family was fucked. So I am in a fucking dilemma. So for me the best strategy is to postpone the relapse as long as I can. Also for the sake of my own life quality. I think only extreme pain can drive me over the edge. The whole scenario would be completely different if suicide was easy and secure. I was naive as a teenager and thought like that. But I think it will cost me huge amount of suffering to overcome my SI. But I am pretty sure with the right method available I would already be dead.
I think emotionally it will be the worst for my parents. I doubt I can stay stable for the coming decades they are alive. The stakes are pretty high. And it scares the shit out of me. I am always argueing with my mom for abusing me when I am in extreme pain. Now since her stroke I should not do that. But I think I cannot stop my hatred under severe pain. So many more problems which emerged. Honestly all of this is so extremely scary. All the scenarios are way more scary for me than just death.
I think my friends will somewhat cope with it. It will hurt them a lot. But I could imagine it kills my parents. And I might survive. The pressure of not relapsing is so extremely high. It is extremely crippling and crushing. I just remembered this certain therapist (who cares about it) once said to me if you have the mindset that you will kill yourself after the next failure you will fail for sure. Maybe he was refering to the extreme pressure that is crushing you. Leading to a somewhat self-fulfiling prophecy. Well I have this mindset since two years since I started to attend university again. So far I have not relapsed but only due to the addictive medication. It is true the pressure is almost unbearable. However I think even without the component of committing suicide the pressure was insane. When I relapse I will feel again this extremely torturous psychosomatic pain. It lasted for more than 2,5 years last time. Yeah it is almost as scary as all these thoughts of killing myself. I am not even sure what is worse.
I am not sure whether I am rambling. The whole situation is fully fucked. The future of this family is completely doomed. And I am the only one who realized it. The rest of my family lives in a dream world. The next decades will be insanely painful for us if no miracle happens. This family is not used to poverty. But noone will be working. That is scary as fuck. Blame games will start, arguments etc. Honestly it will be so horrible. And these people are just too blind not to see it. I am very sure I cannot work and I think my sister neither. We are fucked. I even think maybe an early fast death for example by an heartattack would be the best way for my parents before all that shit is going to happen. When they have to witness the consequences of their actions. Though my dad will blame foreigners in any case anyway. I kind of envy my grandmother. She probably does not have to witness our demise. She is so proud of me having these good (useless) grades. Well I have OCD at a level I will never be able to hold a usual job. I just shut my mouth about it because I think the panic about it would not solve the problem anyway. The whole thing is scary as fuck. But I cannot do anything. I just wish I had an accident which could kill me quickly. Even if it involved pain I would not care. I think doing it by myself increases the pain a lot. I don't want to do it by myself. Though I wish I could just sleep and never wake up.
I think everything is said and the core message could have been summed up in 1/3 of the text. But this writing is somewhat cathartic. Well to make the thread even longer. Another potential thread idea of mine for day was: "Maybe only truely sad people can cope with the sadness of this forum." I mean explaining this story could make average people cry. I feel like here in this forum the people are used to misery. Of course there is the danger that it becomes too much. One has to know his/her limits and recognize whether it influences one's mental health badly. And if that is the case take a break or stop visiting the forum. Though usually when I am already depressed and I go to this forum read some stories of other users I think well I am at least not the only person in misery, full of fears, desperation etc. I feel less alone when I am here writing and reading here. Moreover when I read stories of other people who have it even worse I am reminded of certain privileges that I have. Like very good friends that I can fully trust.
So I hope this thread did not ruin anyone's mood. Please feel hugged and thanks for reading this wall of text. Holy I just realized how huge the wall is.
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