• UK users: Due to a formal investigation into this site by Ofcom under the UK Online Safety Act 2023, we strongly recommend using a trusted, no-logs VPN. This will help protect your privacy, bypass censorship, and maintain secure access to the site. Read the full VPN guide here.

  • Hey Guest,

    Today, OFCOM launched an official investigation into Sanctioned Suicide under the UK’s Online Safety Act. This has already made headlines across the UK.

    This is a clear and unprecedented overreach by a foreign regulator against a U.S.-based platform. We reject this interference and will be defending the site’s existence and mission.

    In addition to our public response, we are currently seeking legal representation to ensure the best possible defense in this matter. If you are a lawyer or know of one who may be able to assist, please contact us at [email protected].

    Read our statement here:

    Donate via cryptocurrency:

    Bitcoin (BTC): 34HyDHTvEhXfPfb716EeEkEHXzqhwtow1L
    Ethereum (ETH): 0xd799aF8E2e5cEd14cdb344e6D6A9f18011B79BE9
    Monero (XMR): 49tuJbzxwVPUhhDjzz6H222Kh8baKe6rDEsXgE617DVSDD8UKNaXvKNU8dEVRTAFH9Av8gKkn4jDzVGF25snJgNfUfKKNC8
Water-Lily

Water-Lily

Enlightened
Dec 26, 2020
1,203
At my core I do not have a strong unconditionally loving support system. Though I do have some friends, I don't have any sense of inner emotional safety. I am figuring this out on my own without having had emotional safety or healthy love my entire life. I sometimes feel I will just collapse because I am not strong enough to handle life. I barely survived an extremely traumatic household which lasted nearly up until my 20's. I don't know how to deal with that and then the shit life throws at you naturally. I am at a huge emotional disadvantage and I don't know what I'll do

It leads me to fantasizing about being a bad person. Not that I plan to or want to hurt people. I just want to do something so bad that suicide would be the next best option. Something that leads to me feeling overwhelming guilt so severe I would die impulsively, or plan it out. Either way, I want life to give me a reason to die. I'd gladly take it.
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: Pubert, waitingforrest, allesistgut and 5 others
Darkover

Darkover

Archangel
Jul 29, 2021
5,570
i never thought i'd make it this far just goes to show how resilient the human condition is
 
  • Like
Reactions: DontplayGod and demuic
Water-Lily

Water-Lily

Enlightened
Dec 26, 2020
1,203
i never thought i'd make it this far just goes to show how resilient the human condition is
cute picture
humans are pretty resilient. When you really think about it, human beings had to suffer and survive through a lot of shit to still be here. For generations of war, abuse, trauma, etc. Its pretty amazing on retrospect. Though, I don't know if its something everyone can do. I fear, no, I don't want to be one who makes it

Just because I already dealt with so much abuse/trauma already I'd rather not deal with life. I fear I won't be strong enough for it
 
  • Like
  • Love
Reactions: demuic and Darkover
Darkover

Darkover

Archangel
Jul 29, 2021
5,570
@Mew thanks humans can put up with just about anything and its good job too because we are going to be tested to the limits
 
Water-Lily

Water-Lily

Enlightened
Dec 26, 2020
1,203
@Mew thanks humans can put up with just about anything and its good job too because we are going to be tested to the limits
I guess. I do sometimes wish I had an easier life. Sometimes people just don't suffer as much. I sort of wish I was like them
 
  • Like
Reactions: WadeingThru and Darkover
brnggundottxt

brnggundottxt

Member
Mar 12, 2022
48
I had a relatively easy life but I used to think this way too. I used to try to taunt people so they'd shoot me or something. Especially the so called gangsters. But I found that most people are just acting tough and are absolute chickenshit. They don't say anything they literally turn their faces or run away while hurling futile insults.

I just feel lucky that I didn't actually meet an actual lunatic with nothing to lose, I might've ended up worse off.
 
  • Like
  • Wow
Reactions: TakeMeBack07 and Water-Lily
Water-Lily

Water-Lily

Enlightened
Dec 26, 2020
1,203
I had a relatively easy life but I used to think this way too. I used to try to taunt people so they'd shoot me or something. Especially the so called gangsters. But I found that most people are just acting tough and are absolute chickenshit. They don't say anything they literally turn their faces or run away while hurling futile insults.

I just feel lucky that I didn't actually meet an actual lunatic with nothing to lose, I might've ended up worse off.
Thats pretty bold. I don't think I could do that. But yeah, I feel most people wouldn't just hurt someone for the sake of it. You'd have to encounter a pretty fucked human being. They definitely are out there

You noted you had a relatively easy life. If you don't mind me asking, did anything ever change?
 
brnggundottxt

brnggundottxt

Member
Mar 12, 2022
48
Thats pretty bold. I don't think I could do that. But yeah, I feel most people wouldn't just hurt someone for the sake of it. You'd have to encounter a pretty fucked human being. They definitely are out there

You noted you had a relatively easy life. If you don't mind me asking, did anything ever change?
shit happens. Got involved with with the money laundering types unknowingly now I'm on some grandstanding above coward's shitlist. Empty death threats and insecure fraudster kind of stuff. It happens all the time.
 
  • Aww..
Reactions: Water-Lily
CameronFrye

CameronFrye

There’s nothing there
Feb 20, 2022
79
I feel very similar. I feel that I am such an undeveloped person because I never got to learn and grow with the support of a strong support network. I feel as if I'm still a scared little kid inside and I watched everyone else grow up around me.

Healthy, supportive, and genuine relationships don't fix everything, but they sure make it way easier to deal with. Also having these relationships promote personal growth, by having a support system to fall back on, as well as providing examples to look up to and learn from. And this growth compounds over time to help you become the best version of yourself.

I dont think I'll ever get to experience the best version of myself, or anything close because I've simply been fighting to survive instead of growing and developing. Growing up in a traumatic household as well only made this even more severe. And now simply trying to survive is all I know as my brain is practically fully developed. And this way of living isn't sustainable, or fulfilling, but I'm stuck.

I get incredibly frustrated when nobody seems to understand, even my therapists. But I don't blame them necessarily, how could they when strong social support is normal to them. It's tempting to look for a way out in our situation, that's why I'm here. But that doesn't make you a bad person at all. Also there's always a possibility of things finally turning around. That possibility seems low, but I'm holding onto it for a little bit longer.
 
  • Hugs
  • Love
  • Like
Reactions: TakeMeBack07, Niirvana, Sea Turtle and 1 other person
Water-Lily

Water-Lily

Enlightened
Dec 26, 2020
1,203
I feel very similar. I feel that I am such an undeveloped person because I never got to learn and grow with the support of a strong support network. I feel as if I'm still a scared little kid inside and I watched everyone else grow up around me.

Healthy, supportive, and genuine relationships don't fix everything, but they sure make it way easier to deal with. Also having these relationships promote personal growth, by having a support system to fall back on, as well as providing examples to look up to and learn from. And this growth compounds over time to help you become the best version of yourself.

I dont think I'll ever get to experience the best version of myself, or anything close because I've simply been fighting to survive instead of growing and developing. Growing up in a traumatic household as well only made this even more severe. And now simply trying to survive is all I know as my brain is practically fully developed. And this way of living isn't sustainable, or fulfilling, but it's all I know.

I get incredibly frustrated when nobody seems to understand, even my therapists. But I don't blame them necessarily, how could they when strong social support is normal to them. It's tempting to look for a way out, that's why I'm here. But at the same time there's a possibility of things finally turning around. That possibility seems low, but I'm holding onto it for a little bit longer.
I feel this comment really speaks to me. You have written everything I feel in a nutshell
When you come from a home where you were never allowed to grow up into a healthy person, no healthy boundaries, and severe abuse (near murder), you are left with a damaged brain. I am 24, and have done therapy and medication. I can say confidently that I am a much better person than I was when I had no concept of mental health. But, I also know that my journey will just help me learn how to live with my scars. The scars will always be there.

I'd like to hope things will be "better". For me, "better" is just being able to live comfortably and healthily in spite of the scars from my past. I don't think I can strive for anything beyond that. I am envious of those who had loving healthy parents. A home they were able to develop and feel loved in. The lack of that, for me, just makes me so incredibly sad an angry.

Where it stands is that I am not ready to die. I don't know if I will ever be, but I know right now I am not. I am afraid because I have suffered so much already. But I'll keep going life tells me it's time to go. I hope its soon. I can't hold out much longer...
 
  • Love
Reactions: CameronFrye
CameronFrye

CameronFrye

There’s nothing there
Feb 20, 2022
79
I feel this comment really speaks to me. You have written everything I feel in a nutshell
When you come from a home where you were never allowed to grow up into a healthy person, no healthy boundaries, and severe abuse (near murder), you are left with a damaged brain. I am 24, and have done therapy and medication. I can say confidently that I am a much better person than I was when I had no concept of mental health. But, I also know that my journey will just help me learn how to live with my scars. The scars will always be there.

I'd like to hope things will be "better". For me, "better" is just being able to live comfortably and healthily in spite of the scars from my past. I don't think I can strive for anything beyond that. I am envious of those who had loving healthy parents. A home they were able to develop and feel loved in. The lack of that, for me, just makes me so incredibly sad an angry.

Where it stands is that I am not ready to die. I don't know if I will ever be, but I know right now I am not. I am afraid because I have suffered so much already. But I'll keep going life tells me it's time to go. I hope its soon. I can't hold out much longer...
We seem to have had similar experiences and I'm sorry you had to grow up that way I know how much it hurts and how life is much more difficult with a brain that developed under those conditions. After therapy and medication as well, which I'm still in the process of, I think we will always have to live with the pain unfortunately. But what I hope for is finding a life that makes living with the pain worth it. I'm not even sure what that life looks like, but I want to make sure I at least can say I tried my best to find it.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Water-Lily
Water-Lily

Water-Lily

Enlightened
Dec 26, 2020
1,203
We seem to have had similar experiences and I'm sorry you had to grow up that way I know how much it hurts and how life is much more difficult with a brain that developed under those conditions. After therapy and medication as well, which I'm still in the process of, I think we will always have to live with the pain unfortunately. But what I hope for is finding a life that makes living with the pain worth it. I'm not even sure what that life looks like, but I want to make sure I at least can say I tried my best to find it.
same. thats the thing we at the very least can give ourselves. I think for victims of child abuse/trauma we deserve to give ourselves a better adulthood. It won't make up for a lost childhood and won't take away the scars or trauma. Those will always remain. The point of therapy is learning to live with them in a healthier way. Elimating or "getting over" it is not possible imo. Only way for that to happen would be to physically remove the trauma from our bodies which is not possible

I think the silver lining is that abuse/trauma is extremely common. I think its more common for children to grow up in abusive/toxic homes than healthy ones. And a lot of abuse is not always overt with physical scars/pain. Some of the most damaging abuse is done covertly and with words. It's more insidious as it cannot be easily "seen" yet corrupts the mind and body so heavily.

A part of me fantasizes of being given an option after death. To, like a video game, start my life over. With the same family I grew with but with them being healthier loving people. I think thats something I would like. Just to know what it's like to grow up happy and safe as a child. To have family you can depend on an have emotional support. My own abusive mom died and I don't have a mother figure to call if I need to. my dad isn't great and so I am alone in the parent department. Its sad how many of us go into life having to quickly be adults when we have lost the ability to be children. It's still possible just incredibly painful. A healthy adulthood doesn't make up for not having a childhood :(
 
Sea Turtle

Sea Turtle

She/Her ✨ Achieving True Peace
Aug 12, 2020
346
This resonates with me a lot. I honestly don't even remember much of my childhood… it all feels like a distant memory. I still second-guess myself, and think there's no way it was abusive. We've been to Disney, went on family trips, we were a big happy family.. right? Maybe there's just something wrong with me…

But then I realize some of the things that are brought up here. What is a healthy relationship? Healthy love? Emotional safety? I honestly don't know. The few memories that cling on in my brain that aren't superficial are of nights spent yelling at each other, ignoring each other for months, and trying to run away. Threats to throw my cat into the woods, threats to call the police on me, calling me selfish no matter what I do. Hell, they haven't even slept in the same room in years. When they say "I love you" to me I feel nothing. I fear what has happened but has been wiped from my memories, maybe to protect myself? It sounds so stupid, but everytime I'm reminded of my "lack of culture" because I never got to watch those shows, movies, or listen to music as a kid. To this day I'm still so indifferent about it all. I fear my whole childhood was spent seeking validation from people, trying to be enough, but I never was. Then the one time I reach out, I get sent to the ER and laughed at on my way home. They've never understood, they still can't acknowledge it.

To this day, it's still like this. Though my mother now acknowledges some of the things she did wrong, she thinks I can just "move on" and that I'm fine now. I'm the one who has to live with their mistakes, I'm the one who can't have my childhood back. I'm the one who will be broken forever.

To this day, I've struggled with being self destructive. I'm to such a point in which pretty much my entire journey of my suicidal thoughts and suicidality has been driven by my need to cope with my feelings. When shit really hits the fan, all that helps is inching closer to my own death. Some assignment you don't want to do? Just remember you can die, anytime. Can't handle more emotional pain? Just check out. Losing a relationship? Just give it up, one less person to hurt when you die. And now sitting here having everything I need, I fear it's only a matter of time. I can't handle this life anymore, I can't handle the pain, I can't handle the betrayal, but most of all, I can't change who I am, I can't change my past. I was just the "experiment" child, the first, the failure. I'm the one who has to live with that, no one else. Why not just give it up now. Every day I have to stop myself from being too self destructive, I don't want to back myself into that corner. But I don't think this is sustainable for much longer.

Gosh this turned out much longer then I meant. Apologies for the brain dump, still in quite the fog from waking up. Love you all :hug:
 
  • Like
  • Hugs
Reactions: Fadeawaaaay, Water-Lily and Darkover
Water-Lily

Water-Lily

Enlightened
Dec 26, 2020
1,203
This resonates with me a lot. I honestly don't even remember much of my childhood… it all feels like a distant memory. I still second-guess myself, and think there's no way it was abusive. We've been to Disney, went on family trips, we were a big happy family.. right? Maybe there's just something wrong with me…

But then I realize some of the things that are brought up here. What is a healthy relationship? Healthy love? Emotional safety? I honestly don't know. The few memories that cling on in my brain that aren't superficial are of nights spent yelling at each other, ignoring each other for months, and trying to run away. Threats to throw my cat into the woods, threats to call the police on me, calling me selfish no matter what I do. Hell, they haven't even slept in the same room in years. When they say "I love you" to me I feel nothing. I fear what has happened but has been wiped from my memories, maybe to protect myself? It sounds so stupid, but everytime I'm reminded of my "lack of culture" because I never got to watch those shows, movies, or listen to music as a kid. To this day I'm still so indifferent about it all. I fear my whole childhood was spent seeking validation from people, trying to be enough, but I never was. Then the one time I reach out, I get sent to the ER and laughed at on my way home. They've never understood, they still can't acknowledge it.

To this day, it's still like this. Though my mother now acknowledges some of the things she did wrong, she thinks I can just "move on" and that I'm fine now. I'm the one who has to live with their mistakes, I'm the one who can't have my childhood back. I'm the one who will be broken forever.

To this day, I've struggled with being self destructive. I'm to such a point in which pretty much my entire journey of my suicidal thoughts and suicidality has been driven by my need to cope with my feelings. When shit really hits the fan, all that helps is inching closer to my own death. Some assignment you don't want to do? Just remember you can die, anytime. Can't handle more emotional pain? Just check out. Losing a relationship? Just give it up, one less person to hurt when you die. And now sitting here having everything I need, I fear it's only a matter of time. I can't handle this life anymore, I can't handle the pain, I can't handle the betrayal, but most of all, I can't change who I am, I can't change my past. I was just the "experiment" child, the first, the failure. I'm the one who has to live with that, no one else. Why not just give it up now. Every day I have to stop myself from being too self destructive, I don't want to back myself into that corner. But I don't think this is sustainable for much longer.

Gosh this turned out much longer then I meant. Apologies for the brain dump, still in quite the fog from waking up. Love you all :hug:
This was so painfully beautiful. I can relate to so much of this. I have had great memories, but none of them trump all the abuse my parents pu t me through. All the trauma and abuse I suffered, the nights I went to sleep in fear, the nights I had flashbacks, etc. There were so many horrors in my childhood, some of which are very difficult to talk about.

My dad has definitely used the whole "move on" thing. But I make sure to call him out on that. Gaslighting and invalidation is so wrong >:(

I also relate to being self destructive. In a way its peaceful, noting that you can just tap out whenever you have a problem. Bad co worker, die. Bad relationship, die. Any problem, die. It just feels so easy. But I feel suicide can be romanticized this way.

Your anguish and pain really spoke out to me. I really feel you hun. Your brain dump is well appreciated
 
  • Hugs
  • Like
Reactions: jimmy7754 and Sea Turtle
Sea Turtle

Sea Turtle

She/Her ✨ Achieving True Peace
Aug 12, 2020
346
This was so painfully beautiful. I can relate to so much of this. I have had great memories, but none of them trump all the abuse my parents pu t me through. All the trauma and abuse I suffered, the nights I went to sleep in fear, the nights I had flashbacks, etc. There were so many horrors in my childhood, some of which are very difficult to talk about.

My dad has definitely used the whole "move on" thing. But I make sure to call him out on that. Gaslighting and invalidation is so wrong >:(

I also relate to being self destructive. In a way its peaceful, noting that you can just tap out whenever you have a problem. Bad co worker, die. Bad relationship, die. Any problem, die. It just feels so easy. But I feel suicide can be romanticized this way.

Your anguish and pain really spoke out to me. I really feel you hun. Your brain dump is well appreciated
Invalidation hurts unlike anything else. I wish people could truly understand. I wish no one invalidated, or manipulated, or gaslit… alas that's not the world we live in.

Suicide can definitely be romanticized that way, it's a struggle for sure. I honestly feel like I'm working through a tangled mess of being suicidal and introspection, separating reality from fantasy, and impulse from logic.

I appreciate you as well, thank you for reading all of that and for starting this thread. I haven't felt understood in this aspect in .. maybe ever. Wish you the best in all of this and I hope being heard and not alone in this aspect is helpful to you as well :hug:
 
  • Like
Reactions: Water-Lily
Water-Lily

Water-Lily

Enlightened
Dec 26, 2020
1,203
Invalidation hurts unlike anything else. I wish people could truly understand. I wish no one invalidated, or manipulated, or gaslit… alas that's not the world we live in.

Suicide can definitely be romanticized that way, it's a struggle for sure. I honestly feel like I'm working through a tangled mess of being suicidal and introspection, separating reality from fantasy, and impulse from logic.

I appreciate you as well, thank you for reading all of that and for starting this thread. I haven't felt understood in this aspect in .. maybe ever. Wish you the best in all of this and I hope being heard and not alone in this aspect is helpful to you as well :hug:
There should be programs to help those who lost their childhood to learn and integrate into society in a healthy way. When you've been abused you are forced to "grow up" and pretend like your fine. Most people aren't. Most people are walking around miserable due to trauma's and are suffering.

There is a video on Youtube that calls childhood trauma/abuse one of the worst epidemics to mental health. I 100% agree. So many issues people have as adults are due to childhood abuse. Often times people look the other way when they're kids, and then those same kids have to become functioning adults with no guidance or help. Its a fucked system
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: Sea Turtle
Sea Turtle

Sea Turtle

She/Her ✨ Achieving True Peace
Aug 12, 2020
346
There should be programs to help those who lost their childhood to learn and integrate into society in a healthy way. When you've been abused you are forced to "grow up" and pretend like your fine. Most people aren't. Most people are walking around miserable due to trauma's and are suffering.

There is a video on Youtube that calls childhood trauma/abuse one of the worst epidemics to mental health. I 100% agree. So many issues people have as adults are due to childhood abuse. Often times people look the other way when they're kids, and then those same kids have to become functioning adults with no guidance or help. Its a fucked system
I only wish something like that existed, and worked. I feel like no one knows what to do, it's easier for society just to brush it off and pretend it's not happening. Mental health infrastructure in general needs heaps of improvement.

There's so much that can be traced back to childhood, people get so much of who they are when they're young. It baffles me how people from all different walks of life and experiences are sort of mercilessly funneled into what "adulthood" is.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Water-Lily
Water-Lily

Water-Lily

Enlightened
Dec 26, 2020
1,203
I only wish something like that existed, and worked. I feel like no one knows what to do, it's easier for society just to brush it off and pretend it's not happening. Mental health infrastructure in general needs heaps of improvement.

There's so much that can be traced back to childhood, people get so much of who they are when they're young. It baffles me how people from all different walks of life and experiences are sort of mercilessly funneled into what "adulthood" is.
I think with how mental health is becoming more normalized as a topic is going to lead to better things down the line. There is still much to work out, and it'll be messy. But it is happening, especially with forums, videos, and so on with people talking about their traumas and struggles.

Yet, I feel some people really suffer. I sometimes wonder about assisted suicide. Like, what if someone was allowed to die just purely due to childhood trauma that lead to severe mental illness?
 
  • Like
Reactions: Sea Turtle
Sea Turtle

Sea Turtle

She/Her ✨ Achieving True Peace
Aug 12, 2020
346
I think with how mental health is becoming more normalized as a topic is going to lead to better things down the line. There is still much to work out, and it'll be messy. But it is happening, especially with forums, videos, and so on with people talking about their traumas and struggles.

Yet, I feel some people really suffer. I sometimes wonder about assisted suicide. Like, what if someone was allowed to die just purely due to childhood trauma that lead to severe mental illness?
I do think it's being discussed more, but I think it's still hard to translate that into large scale change. I do hope in the future it will be better

I think about that a lot as well, I feel like with the huge disagreement for assisted suicide even for physically terminally ill people, it's a long way from being there. It's a lot of grey area too, so many things to consider like age, illness, attempt(s) at recovery, and at the end of the day, no one really knows the true extent of ones feelings and suffering. I only wish people were more accepting of each individuals choice.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Water-Lily and WadeingThru
WadeingThru

WadeingThru

Experienced
Feb 25, 2022
209
I do sometimes wish I had an easier life. Sometimes people just don't suffer as much. I sort of wish I was like them
Aman to that! When do I get a shot at easy street?
I only wish people were more accepting of each individuals choice.
I with you on this point. Why do so many people push their views on others. Who gave them the moral authority to do so?
 
Last edited:
aludnelac

aludnelac

wayward weirdo
Sep 15, 2021
55
in the present, it always seems like the suffering we continue to face is insurmountable and will continue to keep us down, and that the trauma and that brought us to the point we are now has ruined our resilience to the point that we have trouble surviving like others, but it's almost incredible that with each insurmountable reality we're dealt with, we continue to push forward to an even more hopeless future, where the problems we felt overburdened by a year ago feel silly compared to the problems one might contend with now.. i suppose maybe it can give you comfort that what might seem bad to you now, will be something you look back on as not too bad in comparison to what you're dealing with at that point.. or maybe it makes things all the more oppressive and hopeless to know that with each dark pit, there's always a deeper nadir you could never imagine until you've reached it... of course, i'm just speaking from my own experience, but it does just seem like misery builds and always seems to find new and exciting ways to surprise us.. as this process happens, i feel like it erodes people, we fight on and push forward, because that's what we've always done, the abuse and trauma are just something one learned to expect and live with, internalizing it.. your mind starts to break, then your body comes after; is the push forward survival for its own sake, or is there really some kind of hope we want to believe in, even when it feels like this world has never really wanted one to exist in it in the first place.. when it seems like you're not strong enough or meant for this world and its strange machinations, people push on to continue to see the next day, what is it that finally breaks this resilience when we felt doomed and incapable of being part of this cruel world for years? what is the catalyst for someone that feels like they never belonged or were made to suffer; i wish i knew where that was, but it seems like so many just keep pushing on endlessly because they don't know how to stop..
 
  • Like
Reactions: Water-Lily
Water-Lily

Water-Lily

Enlightened
Dec 26, 2020
1,203
I do think it's being discussed more, but I think it's still hard to translate that into large scale change. I do hope in the future it will be better

I think about that a lot as well, I feel like with the huge disagreement for assisted suicide even for physically terminally ill people, it's a long way from being there. It's a lot of grey area too, so many things to consider like age, illness, attempt(s) at recovery, and at the end of the day, no one really knows the true extent of ones feelings and suffering. I only wish people were more accepting of each individuals choice.
It's definitely a grey area and something I am still processing too. For me, I feel that because I lost so much in my early years of life, that the best thing I can do now is give myself a better adulthood. I am not at a place where I want to die per say. Also, many people suffer trauma inevitably. Even people who may have had great childhoods can still suffer later on in life. Trauma is universal and on different spectrums. I'd hate for someone to die due to a trauma that, with the right resources, can be healed and lead to a better quality of life. I hope for myself I can live a better life as there are aspects of myself I enjoy. Though I do wonder who I'd be if I had an abundance of love and happiness thorhgout my early years, I do enjoy the friends and people I have encountered. That includes on SS. I may not have understood suicidality so well had I not struggled on my own. Sometimes suffering and bring out companionship
 
  • Love
Reactions: Sea Turtle
FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Just wanting some peace
Sep 24, 2020
43,314
I am sorry that you are suffering so much, life is just so cruel and unfair, I can imagine that it must have been awful what you went through. I know that it is hard to carry on when you cannot take anymore of this life. I wish you the best in whatever happens.
 
Water-Lily

Water-Lily

Enlightened
Dec 26, 2020
1,203
in the present, it always seems like the suffering we continue to face is insurmountable and will continue to keep us down, and that the trauma and that brought us to the point we are now has ruined our resilience to the point that we have trouble surviving like others, but it's almost incredible that with each insurmountable reality we're dealt with, we continue to push forward to an even more hopeless future, where the problems we felt overburdened by a year ago feel silly compared to the problems one might contend with now.. i suppose maybe it can give you comfort that what might seem bad to you now, will be something you look back on as not too bad in comparison to what you're dealing with at that point.. or maybe it makes things all the more oppressive and hopeless to know that with each dark pit, there's always a deeper nadir you could never imagine until you've reached it... of course, i'm just speaking from my own experience, but it does just seem like misery builds and always seems to find new and exciting ways to surprise us.. as this process happens, i feel like it erodes people, we fight on and push forward, because that's what we've always done, the abuse and trauma are just something one learned to expect and live with, internalizing it.. your mind starts to break, then your body comes after; is the push forward survival for its own sake, or is there really some kind of hope we want to believe in, even when it feels like this world has never really wanted one to exist in it in the first place.. when it seems like you're not strong enough or meant for this world and its strange machinations, people push on to continue to see the next day, what is it that finally breaks this resilience when we felt doomed and incapable of being part of this cruel world for years? what is the catalyst for someone that feels like they never belonged or were made to suffer; i wish i knew where that was, but it seems like so many just keep pushing on endlessly because they don't know how to stop..
This is so poetic and incredibly beautiful. Tbh, I have had breakdowns in my life over things I thought I would never get over. Fast forward some days, months, and years, and I can't even remember the names of those who hurt me. Not to say that what happened didn't matter and didn't impact me. But the burden is not there. Perhaps will be the same with this. Hopefully I will have a support system who can help me as I go through life

I like how you talked about survival at the end. Sometimes we just keep going. Even when we feel like shit, we just do it. Death is hard, even when we're tired of life and in pain. And from an evolutionary standpoint, humans are resilient.
I am sorry that you are suffering so much, life is just so cruel and unfair, I can imagine that it must have been awful what you went through. I know that it is hard to carry on when you cannot take anymore of this life. I wish you the best in whatever happens.
thank you hun. I just think its so incredibly sad how so many innocent people suffering general. I will just try, as I do not have the strength to end my life. Tried to 2 weeks ago and couldn't do it.
 
Sea Turtle

Sea Turtle

She/Her ✨ Achieving True Peace
Aug 12, 2020
346
It's definitely a grey area and something I am still processing too. For me, I feel that because I lost so much in my early years of life, that the best thing I can do now is give myself a better adulthood. I am not at a place where I want to die per say. Also, many people suffer trauma inevitably. Even people who may have had great childhoods can still suffer later on in life. Trauma is universal and on different spectrums. I'd hate for someone to die due to a trauma that, with the right resources, can be healed and lead to a better quality of life. I hope for myself I can live a better life as there are aspects of myself I enjoy. Though I do wonder who I'd be if I had an abundance of love and happiness thorhgout my early years, I do enjoy the friends and people I have encountered. That includes on SS. I may not have understood suicidality so well had I not struggled on my own. Sometimes suffering and bring out companionship
I respect that drive to be better immensely and I hope you're able to process and move forwards and find that love and happiness. It's definitely a hard journey and I wish the world were better equipped to help you along the way :heart:
 
Water-Lily

Water-Lily

Enlightened
Dec 26, 2020
1,203
I respect that drive to be better immensely and I hope you're able to process and move forwards and find that love and happiness. It's definitely a hard journey and I wish the world were better equipped to help you along the way :heart:
I can only hope. It has to come from us however. As adults no one will "save us" as if we were kids. But we can hopefully find people who can ease the burden. Other broken individuals who can relate, or even the loving support of those who were more fortunate.
 
  • Love
Reactions: Sea Turtle
Fadeawaaaay

Fadeawaaaay

Visionary
Nov 12, 2021
2,160
I only wish something like that existed, and worked. I feel like no one knows what to do, it's easier for society just to brush it off and pretend it's not happening. Mental health infrastructure in general needs heaps of improvement.

There's so much that can be traced back to childhood, people get so much of who they are when they're young. It baffles me how people from all different walks of life and experiences are sort of mercilessly funneled into what "adulthood" is.
Have you watched/read Gabor Mate … so much gets wired between mother and baby very early on. If that bond is weak, it's a lifetime of trouble.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Sea Turtle
Sea Turtle

Sea Turtle

She/Her ✨ Achieving True Peace
Aug 12, 2020
346
Have you watched/read Gabor Mate … so much gets wired between mother and baby very early on. If that bond is weak, it's a lifetime of trouble.
I have not, but I have sort of looked into the importance of (very) early bonds and how it affects people forever. It's quite fascinating.. I'll look into that (movie?)
 
Water-Lily

Water-Lily

Enlightened
Dec 26, 2020
1,203
Gabor Mate is amazing. His perpsective on trauma and how it affects one long term is so raw and beautiful. He also isn't a big fan of medication and diagnosis labels. Very holistic in that sense and he's very blunt.

But its true. When that bond is met with abuse and neglect, it effects one for life. So sad and so many people suffer.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Fadeawaaaay and Sea Turtle
Fadeawaaaay

Fadeawaaaay

Visionary
Nov 12, 2021
2,160
Have you watched/read Gabor Mate … so much gets wired between mother and baby very early on. If that bond is weak, it's a lifetime of trouble.
If you ever adopt a cat or dog extremely young, touch them as much as possible and pass them around to different human beings and have them touch the creature a lot as well… Love and physical affection a tremendous amount of trust and safety that lasts a lifetime. Works with humans, too, apparently.
 
Last edited:
  • Like
Reactions: Famous Last Words and Sea Turtle

Similar threads