succor
tumbling down, tumbling down, tumbling down
- Oct 28, 2020
- 104
Alas, sometime's it's not meant to be.
It's taking everything in me not to end it right now. I wanted to have a better plan- hell, I HAVE a plan, but more and more it's not looking like I'm going to be able to wait.
Everything is getting worse. My health. My living situation. My partner is beautiful and wonderful but I am holding him back in so many ways. He spent the night sobbing tonight because he hates his job so much. It's so stressful that it's making him physically ill. The doctor has recommended that he find another job. The only reason he has the one he has now is because I'm disabled and it was the only thing that paid enough to support the both of us.
Through tears, he kept apologizing for failing me.
How can he not see that I'm the one that failed him? All of this suffering, his pain and sickness, his declining mental health is due to me not being able to contribute or pull my own weight. I can barely even do housework. He praises me when I load the dishwasher. He looks at me like I hung the stars in the sky. I don't deserve his kindness and love. Me being alive is a drain on everyone around me. They pour so much time and money and effort into keeping me alive and comfortable and even still, here I am with all of you, wracked with sadness. I am unfixable.
How many resources must be wasted before it's fair to give up? It's like I'm an old beater car that you keep replacing parts on. Eventually the amount of money that you sink into it will outweigh the value of the car itself. Eventually you'll be underwater. When is it safe to call it a day and cut your losses? How much more must everyone lose?
Removing me from the equation will balance everything else out. When the plane is going down, try to drop the biggest weight so you have a better chance of leveling.
Everything has just compounded to be far too much. The chronic pain, the chronic illnesses, the mental illnesses, the invasive thoughts, CPTSD, OCD, being a burden and detriment to everyone I've ever cared for.
I wanted so badly to live. There was a time I thought everything could be beautiful. Now I'm staring at my rope and wondering if my convulsions will be too loud and wake him up downstairs. I'm standing on this precipice. I don't feel like I can wait any longer. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die.
It's taking everything in me not to end it right now. I wanted to have a better plan- hell, I HAVE a plan, but more and more it's not looking like I'm going to be able to wait.
Everything is getting worse. My health. My living situation. My partner is beautiful and wonderful but I am holding him back in so many ways. He spent the night sobbing tonight because he hates his job so much. It's so stressful that it's making him physically ill. The doctor has recommended that he find another job. The only reason he has the one he has now is because I'm disabled and it was the only thing that paid enough to support the both of us.
Through tears, he kept apologizing for failing me.
How can he not see that I'm the one that failed him? All of this suffering, his pain and sickness, his declining mental health is due to me not being able to contribute or pull my own weight. I can barely even do housework. He praises me when I load the dishwasher. He looks at me like I hung the stars in the sky. I don't deserve his kindness and love. Me being alive is a drain on everyone around me. They pour so much time and money and effort into keeping me alive and comfortable and even still, here I am with all of you, wracked with sadness. I am unfixable.
How many resources must be wasted before it's fair to give up? It's like I'm an old beater car that you keep replacing parts on. Eventually the amount of money that you sink into it will outweigh the value of the car itself. Eventually you'll be underwater. When is it safe to call it a day and cut your losses? How much more must everyone lose?
Removing me from the equation will balance everything else out. When the plane is going down, try to drop the biggest weight so you have a better chance of leveling.
Everything has just compounded to be far too much. The chronic pain, the chronic illnesses, the mental illnesses, the invasive thoughts, CPTSD, OCD, being a burden and detriment to everyone I've ever cared for.
I wanted so badly to live. There was a time I thought everything could be beautiful. Now I'm staring at my rope and wondering if my convulsions will be too loud and wake him up downstairs. I'm standing on this precipice. I don't feel like I can wait any longer. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die.