Venting I should've done it when I had the chance...

[nightshade00]

I should have done it.

I hate that I'm 'better' now. Earlier this year, I was the closest I've ever been to CTB. I almost did it. I had the means, but never got the guts. I was then put on a medication that somehow got rid of my suicidal ideation. Life still sucks. I'm still depressed. I'm still anxious. But I no longer have the intense derire to die like I once did... but I wish I still wanted to die.

I want to want to die. I miss it, somehow.

If anyone else has experienced this, it would be nice to hear your perspective (either in this thread or through messages)

 

[blueb3rrycloud]

Yeah I think I somewhat know what you mean. It's like you're left a "dulled" version of yourself, no matter what you're just a void. There's no flame like there was when you wanted to CTB because even that at least made you feel. Really feel. But now you're stuck in a muck of dulled watered down emotions, no desire to live or die, no desire at all really. Nothing to want. No passion. Is this anything like how you feel?

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I can relate to this. Ik that CTB may be the only option I have to prevent further suffering in my life and also earlier this year (when I opened my account here) I was ready to leave, circumstances became much more worse than ever before, I had my method ready, nobody would have disturbed for a whole week. But I didn't do it and sometimes I really regret that I didn't just do it.

After some time I obviously got used to the "new normal" and my suicidal thoughts drifted away that was a weird feeling bc I loved them so much. I still have suicidal thoughts but not as intense as back then and I still see no other option.

I'd never fight my suicidal thoughts with meds or therapy bc for me it's a logic consequence that one day I may have no other way out but CTB.

 

[DyingToDie123]

I experienced this hard. I hated it so I went off my meds so I could get the will to ctb again. Then things just got to the point where I know I just lived to long. Made a lot of stupid mistakes and now people who would have missed me hate me. I waited way too long.

Edit: I will say though, neither of my original methods were reliable (Benadryl) or feasible (suicide bridge with tall barriers that I wouldn't have had the nerve to climb). So maybe it is for the best.