morina
Member
- Apr 11, 2026
- 57
Currently procrastinating studying since I really don't have any motivation for it anymore. About to taint my perfection and that will probably hurt a lot. I know the problem of not getting perfect grades is probably unrelatable to most, but yeah, I guess I am just fucked up. (By far not my reason to ctb, but it still puts me under more constant stress I'd rather not have.)
Like, what do I have to lose by just giving up trying to achieve something in university? I won't survive the next few years anyway, maybe not even this one. And to actually get good money off my studies would require more than 5 years and even that isn't guaranteed. I could at least spend the time I have left with less stress. But being a NEET feels wrong. Even though I am objectively wasting more resources by going to the publicly funded university and then killing myself before ever paying taxes.
I started uni thinking I may have a chance to like life, after already having NEETed away for some years. Maybe my life would magically get better. Maybe I could be content with my achievements. Maybe I would find hobbies. Maybe I would find passion. Maybe I would then even find friends. Maybe I could be seen as a woman someday. Instead, I hate my major, dread every exam in fear of failing, got +1 on my abuser and trauma counters and still can't even be out to my family. Those were my thoughs. Obviously, that was just wishful thinking. But I really don't have the power to wait for that anymore. All that while my problems are so insignificant. So many people would give everything to just have my worries. But that doesn't matter to selfish me, apparently.
I hope I get worse until my suffering overshadows my fear of killing myself. Fuck my life.
Like, what do I have to lose by just giving up trying to achieve something in university? I won't survive the next few years anyway, maybe not even this one. And to actually get good money off my studies would require more than 5 years and even that isn't guaranteed. I could at least spend the time I have left with less stress. But being a NEET feels wrong. Even though I am objectively wasting more resources by going to the publicly funded university and then killing myself before ever paying taxes.
I started uni thinking I may have a chance to like life, after already having NEETed away for some years. Maybe my life would magically get better. Maybe I could be content with my achievements. Maybe I would find hobbies. Maybe I would find passion. Maybe I would then even find friends. Maybe I could be seen as a woman someday. Instead, I hate my major, dread every exam in fear of failing, got +1 on my abuser and trauma counters and still can't even be out to my family. Those were my thoughs. Obviously, that was just wishful thinking. But I really don't have the power to wait for that anymore. All that while my problems are so insignificant. So many people would give everything to just have my worries. But that doesn't matter to selfish me, apparently.
I hope I get worse until my suffering overshadows my fear of killing myself. Fuck my life.
