But here I am, studying for an exam, hoping I pass and not fail the college program I took (I don't want to switch).
Although if I passed, it wouldn't matter much. A degree and a license won't serve me much purpose anyway since I will not be having a job and be enslaved by companies. And in the end, I'll die anyway, so why am I studying?
And if I failed in college, it wouldn't matter as well. Guess I'll have time to either research CTB methods or make plans to earn money and prolong life if I wanted to.
Yet here I am, still following the flow of life instead of researching for my end.
I really like your username. In college, I was so worried about failing, but only occasionally, and never fully, did I really stop to think about how all college would by you is lifelong slavery and then death. It boggled my mind back then how people could bring themselves to study hard and participate in numerous extracurriculars, and now as a 25 year old man with a full-time office job, it boggles my mind how people, not just a few, but MOST of them, can be full time wage slaves their whole lives, with barely any free time, especially if they have families.
Supposedly family is the most beautiful thing ever and makes life worth living and stuff. I don't know, seems like it's probably got nice moments, but also must feel terribly suffocating. It's no mystery why women drown their babies and stuff like that, right? Like, who is really surprised that that's happening?
But I feel you on the last line. It's like, I'm still doing all this hard work, engaging in all these made-up roles, fully playing the part of someone intending to live their whole life out, yet inside I'm thinking about death all the time. I exercise, eat well, earn and save, cook, clean, make the effort of maintaining social bonds, status- all the while I'm so tired of all of it that I'm intent upon killing myself. Every day, at least once, usually in the morning, I think- ' Dear Lord, I am exhausted. This is exhausting. I don't know who I am. I have to end it all so I can stop having to fight, over and over. It will never end. There's only one way to end it and I keep putting it off." Then I go about my day, attending to things that don't even matter, that aren't particularly fun, oftentimes full-on unpleasant, never anything new, all things that I could potentially just not have to do if I could just die.
The paradox is, every day feels like such a pain in the ass, like I'm working, fighting so hard. But at the same time, like you said, I'm just going with the flow. This is the path of least resistance, that I'm habitually going along with, instead of ever swimming against the current, possibly to an actual relief.
Wataru Tsurumi on the absurdity of a regular lifetime for humans nowadays as wage slaves:
"
Clockwork Orange
With this sense of powerlessness, we repeatedly do the same things at a slow pace, forgetting little by little "the reality of being truly alive". I have gradually forgotten whether I am alive or dead. Do you feel that you are "alive"? Now, there is only an almost invisible line separating life and death.
Therefore, relegate to the sidelines platitudes like "Life is very important, so you cannot commit suicide.", "As long as you can live, everything will turn around.", "Because people around you will be sad, so you must live.". Not convincing anymore. The effective words to stop suicide have disappeared; signals to guide towards suicide have appeared. Yes, you can die. If you go to work or go to school, if life is uncomfortable, boring, or even painful, you can cross the hair-thin line, almost invisible, and seek death, and may no one stop you. As I said before, nothing will change substantially as long as we live. Although I have no psychic powers, I can generally tell what will happen to society or ourselves in the future. "The future! The future!", no matter how convincing this chant sounds, it is useless. Your life will probably consist of attending primary school and middle school in the place of your birth, attending cram schools to study for the national entrance exam, and then enter a high school or university. After messing around for four years, you will work in some corporation. If you are a man, you'd likely get married in your 20s or 30s, have a child in the next year, perhaps a few job switches or promotions, up to the position of manager. You will retire at the age of 60, and quietly cultivate your own hobbies for the next ten or twenty years. Finally, you will die. That's it really. Moreover, what makes us despair is that this is supposedly the most reassuringly ideal life. In this consideration, ordinary life no longer has any significance. If you are not alive now, perhaps you are just like a young chicken ready for roasting, passively given a life that you must live. Therefore, drawing a pause in life at an appropriate place is not a matter of "being sad", "it won't happen again", or "worrying about the ripple effects".
Suicide is a positive act."
