Help I screwed myself.

[PatheticCase]

I have a college bank account and just received notification of credit alert from another card/company. I've (obviously) known about my credit activity, but my parents do not know of it or that I'm late on payments (all dumb reasons). I'm an adult now, but ive had this account since I was in high school and so I never minded that it was connected to my dad's. I don't really buy sus shit with that account and I've been on top of my financials until the pandemic, and I no longer had income and had to (poor choice of word) rely on parents since they wanted me to stay safe and focus on school (which I've also fucked up for other reasons). I know my dad was able to see if my account is overdrawn and gets emails on it, and has even seen my transaction, which he only checked up on me with just to help me make sure I'm not subscribed on anything I wasn't aware of, but Im not sure if he would also get an email about the credit report on it. I've checked up all preferences and it only lists my contact, and googled about the situation, and can't find out whether or not he'll receive an alert on this too. I don't think I'll be able to keep lying if he confronts me on it, and there's nothing I'm more scared of than disappointing them with how much I've fucked up again.

My anxiety is at an all time high and I fear I won't be able to get myself out of my impending panic attack. It feels like the start of the last strand of thread I'm hanging on is going to break any minute now.

I've been planning to CTB by SN instead for the last month but I'm not going to be able to receive the material for at least another 1.5 weeks. I have rope, and have had hook placed for a couple months now, but I haven't had practice with a slip knot. I briefly attempted with a hangman's knot, all before I did more research, but my SI kicked in and I was unable to step off the stool. I haven't attempted to try a slip knot or practice it but I may have to try anyways because I can't handle my guilt anymore. The only thing I'm scared of is that I won't be successful. I can't risk another failed attempt. I really, really wanna end my suffering now and I'm trying to calm myself down enough to think rationally if I can push through for another half a month or if I can somehow succeed to hang now.

Long rant, but basically I'm asking how would you get yourself out of an anxiety attack, in this case? I'm certain I want to die soon, so I'm not concerned about whether or not it would be premature to attempt but I did want to wait on a more peaceful and more guaranteed way. How would you keep yourself together enough to keep pushing through and keep the facade going for a couple more weeks?

 

[hopelessgirl]

Unfortunately, I rely on anxiety pills.... :-(

 

[PatheticCase]

Unfortunately, I rely on anxiety pills.... :-(

I wish I had access, but I feel it'd be kinda pointless at this stage to try and get prescribed some..

 

[hopelessgirl]

When I go mental, when I don't have them, which happens sometimes ofc...... Having a shower, brusing my teeth, going for a walk, or having a cup of tea helps. Or just crying my heads out, pacing around until my body is too tired to be anxious anymore. It also helps, believe it or not, calling a help line. But I only do that, when seriously, I have a MASSIVE panic attack and no access to anti anxiety pills.

I wish I had access, but I feel it'd be kinda pointless at this stage to try and get prescribed some..

Why do you feel it's pointless? It's really bad taking them apparently (makes you not be able to deal with the anxiety yourself), but at this point I couldn't care less. I'm so fucked anyways.

You could try breathing exercises/ and there are some specific yoga stretches/sessions on YouTube that I've seriously felt helping (you basically stretch your neck etc, and it helps).

There are also some hypnosis/meditation guides that could help you. Calms the body down. But you have to be calm enough of course to actually find the f stuff on YouTube, and actually try to relax and listen to what they say in the videos and breathe deeply.... So it requires some discipline.
This one is simple and short. I felt it helped me:
Here's another one:
Also a hot/cold shower, relieves anxiety. I can rarely get myself into one when my panic attacks are the worst though. All depends on your discipline.

 

[Smart No More]

I don't think your Dad would want you to die as a result of your fear of disappointing him. Your mother too. Its the hardest thing to take yourself out of a moment and see the bigger picture when you're deep in a moment but I am certain that if you could you would see that this is the case. You would potentially be leaving them with a large amount of guilt that they may or may not deserve. Obviously I don't know yoyr family and how much pressure they do or don't put on you but ultimately I would assume the pressure you feel is at least to some extent self imposed. So maybe give yourself a bit of a break. Bite the bullet and call your Dad and say dad, I've been finding it really hard to open up about this as I value your respect so highly, however I have been struggling for a few reasons, some out of my power and I might have made a few regretful decisions. I need to speak openly with you but I am really anxious about it as I feel a lot of pressure surrounding the matter and I really don't want to disapoint you. It is impacting my life detrimentally. Can we discuss the matter?
I can't guarantee you will get the response yoy want but it's at least a potential lifeline and could put all your worries to bed. I think it's better to take that leap before you step off a stool. Give yourself a chance.

 

[Dot]

I don't think your Dad would want you to die as a result of your fear of disappointing him. Your mother too. Its the hardest rhing ro takw yoyrseld out of a moment and see the bigger picture when you're deep in a moment but I am certain that if you could you would see that this is the case. You would potentially be leaving them with a large amount of guilt that they may or may not deserve. Obviously I don't know yoyr family and how muxh pressure they do or don't put on you but ultimately I wouls assume the pressure you feel is at least to some extent self imposed. So maybw five yourself a bit of a break. Bite the bullet and call youe Dad and say dad, I've been finsing it really hars to open up about this as I value your respect so highly, however I have been struggling flr a few reasons, some our of my power and I might have madw a few regretful decisions. I need to speak openly with you but I am really anxious about it as I feel a lot of pressure surrounding the matter and I really don't want to disapoint you. It is impacting my life detrimentally. Can we discuss the matter?
I can't guarantee you will get the response yoy want but it's at least a potential lifeline and could put all your worries to bed. I think it's better to take that leap before you step off a stool. Give yourself a chance.

Agreed.

 

[PatheticCase]

I don't think your Dad would want you to die as a result of your fear of disappointing him. Your mother too. Its the hardest thing to take yourself out of a moment and see the bigger picture when you're deep in a moment but I am certain that if you could you would see that this is the case. You would potentially be leaving them with a large amount of guilt that they may or may not deserve. Obviously I don't know yoyr family and how much pressure they do or don't put on you but ultimately I would assume the pressure you feel is at least to some extent self imposed. So maybe give yourself a bit of a break. Bite the bullet and call your Dad and say dad, I've been finding it really hard to open up about this as I value your respect so highly, however I have been struggling for a few reasons, some out of my power and I might have made a few regretful decisions. I need to speak openly with you but I am really anxious about it as I feel a lot of pressure surrounding the matter and I really don't want to disapoint you. It is impacting my life detrimentally. Can we discuss the matter?
I can't guarantee you will get the response yoy want but it's at least a potential lifeline and could put all your worries to bed. I think it's better to take that leap before you step off a stool. Give yourself a chance.

You're absolutely right especially regarding the self imposed pressure, but to be honest this is just a minor contributing factor as to why I've wanted to CTB for the last year. Maybe the issue at hand is I've given up hope on seeking another lifeline and can only see even more reasons as to why I desperately need to leave now. Regardless, thank you for your response. I really appreciate it :)

When I go mental, when I don't have them, which happens sometimes ofc...... Having a shower, brusing my teeth, going for a walk, or having a cup of tea helps. Or just crying my heads out, pacing around until my body is too tired to be anxious anymore. It also helps, believe it or not, calling a help line. But I only do that, when seriously, I have a MASSIVE panic attack and no access to anti anxiety pills.

Why do you feel it's pointless? It's really bad taking them apparently (makes you not be able to deal with the anxiety yourself), but at this point I couldn't care less. I'm so fucked anyways.

You could try breathing exercises/ and there are some specific yoga stretches/sessions on YouTube that I've seriously felt helping (you basically stretch your neck etc, and it helps).

There are also some hypnosis/meditation guides that could help you. Calms the body down. But you have to be calm enough of course to actually find the f stuff on YouTube, and actually try to relax and listen to what they say in the videos and breathe deeply.... So it requires some discipline.
This one is simple and short. I felt it helped me:
Here's another one:
Also a hot/cold shower, relieves anxiety. I can rarely get myself into one when my panic attacks are the worst though. All depends on your discipline.

I think it'd be pointless just cause I'm not planning to be here for another month longer but Im gonna try the hypnosis guide thank you so much!

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that things are so hopeless. I understand it is hard to carry on when you are struggling. I'm also scared of failing a method. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.