riamu
walking waste of bandages
- Jan 5, 2023
- 45
11 months ago i came to terms with my own death whilst on a train. i sat there on the floor between two different carriages, someone else in my seat despite me specifically booking it earlier, and i knew i was supposed to die that night. i spent the whole three hour journey thinking about it, completely convinced that as soon as i got home i was going to dig at my wrists and cut until i finally hit an artery and bled out all over my shitty dorm room (not the best method but I've always had a flair for the dramatic). i spent the entire walk home thinking about throwing myself on the train tracks, in front of a passing car, jumping down that one stairwell. but when i got home i just. didn't do it. i just got high and then i woke up the next day. alive.
there's a certain feeling you get when you truly make peace with your own death, an emotion i have no idea how to describe. i haven't felt it since then. of course I've thought about catching the bus, it's like a pavlovian response to stress at this point, but i've never gotten that feeling again. i can't help but feel like i missed my chance. like that was the day i was supposed to die but i stubbornly held onto life and now i'm just stuck here.
there's no point to this post. i'm just drunk and reminiscing.
there's a certain feeling you get when you truly make peace with your own death, an emotion i have no idea how to describe. i haven't felt it since then. of course I've thought about catching the bus, it's like a pavlovian response to stress at this point, but i've never gotten that feeling again. i can't help but feel like i missed my chance. like that was the day i was supposed to die but i stubbornly held onto life and now i'm just stuck here.
there's no point to this post. i'm just drunk and reminiscing.