Venting I regret not going through with my suicide pact

[HereIGoAgain24]

A few years ago, I was in a pact with somebody to CTB. Everything was all set: we had our SN, had booked a place to do it, and knew exactly how it would all play out.

But a few days before, I got terrified. Couldn't do it, wasn't ready, got cold feet. And I pulled out.

I don't know what happened to the other person. I just told them that I couldn't go through with it, that if they were going to CTB, I wouldn't do it with them.

And it was the biggest mistake of my life.

In the time since, the world's only gotten bleaker. A few moments of light here and there haven't made up for the endless darkness infesting everything. And I'm struggling to find those sources again, still not able to get SN or N or anything. Feels like the best-case options I have are to try to hang myself (on what? My apartment doesn't have anything) or travel to some developing country in the hope I'll be able to find a drug to OD on (the tips I've seen here say that's a bad idea). I feel trapped in my own existence, with nothing but an ever-worsening world left to look forward to. I should have gone through with the pact years ago.

 

[FuneralCry]

I certainly understand that it's so dreadful feeling trapped in this existence, I also feel so tired of suffering, existence really is too cruel. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[ThatGuyOverThere]

Yeah I understand that, I tried to CTB by OD when I was 12, and I have spent years since obsessing over if I would have been better of, if I had succeeded. All the pain that I have experienced since that day would have been avoided, had I taken that plunge and not backed out.

Though I also have a plan to CTB In the next few years, that Is very in-depth, so at least I'll get to escape some time in the near future.

I hope you are able to find that method you're looking for.