Venting i regret not fully committing when i had the chance

[psychoelectricangel]

i should be happy, i have lots of people i could consider friends even if its just online, i have a safe home environment and loving family, i have an incredibly kind psychiatrist, but i regret not ctb when i had the chances last year, where i could have ran and not have been missed or noticed im still the same disgusting horrible person but now i also feel so guilty for wasting everyones time and money and love on a useless, bedrotting neet who will never be able to hold a job or even talk to ppl irl without breaking down sobbing from anxiety. i was going to die no matter what, sooner or later, so why did i postpone it and make everyone spend more care on me when im going to die soon anyway im fucking disgusting and selfish...