Venting i regret not doing it

[meowmix]

im still alive. and i got home. mom was worried, but my sister wasnt. she does Not care. she is actually mad at me. why? because i told her where i was 5 mins too late. shes actually really mad. ignoring me, telling me off the bed, not sharing a cig, shit like that. she always told me she cared about me. but then again, she always said that whenever i express things emotionally she feels like all the attention is taken away from her (????) which is really Bizarre to hear from an elder sister, no? anyway im still alive. i posted a video of me walking across the bridge, well at least half of it, while venting to the mic. either way, im pissed at her, not because she "didnt give me attention i wanted" but she doesnt respect me. she uses me as a license to be a bitch to other people. telling them "im his elder sister, i should know stuff beforehand and i should always have a say and i have the right to be bossy blahbla." i Do Not Care that shes schizophrenic. i am suicidal. i am depressed. persistently depressed, mind you. idc if she has it objectively worse bcs if she says shes my older sister then she has to actually care about me instead of being concerned about how much control she has over what i do. amen.