Venting I regret every single time i was too afraid to CTB

[followingfate]

I've been suicidal for about a decade now and yet I'm still here. It hasn't gotten better. Only worse.

I left an abusive relationship a few months ago. I'm haunted by the memories, yet I still miss him. so much. I loved the good parts of him. it hurts to remember. why can't I move on? it's even worse that I'm in a new relationship now, with an amazing person. why can't I move on? the guilt eats me alive.

I'm haunted by every time my mother was abusive towards me. I'm haunted by the horrible loneliness of my childhood and teenage years. awful memories replay in my head day after day after day. yes I go to therapy, I've gone for years.

im so alone. I have no one I'm close to. I'm autistic, I struggle to even connect with anyone. I can tell everyone judges me because I act different, weird. I can tell everyone sees me as less than. I have no friends, no family. I am alone.

my life is meaningless and I'm tormented by the trauma that replays in my head every waking moment of the day. I've been doing this for a decade now, and I'm so, so tired. So many times I've gotten so close, but I always become too afraid.
I have the SN. I don't know why I continue to hesitate. Every hesitation has led to regret. I wish I was brave. I wish i had the courage. someday I will. I know that when I die, it will be by my own hand. but hey I'm not complaining if something happens to kill me too lol

 

[thelazyegg]

I'm autistic too and this post resonates with me so much. I'm so sorry you are suffering so much. It really sucks. Thank you for sharing, makes me feel less alone about everything even though I am alone really.

 

[UKscotty]

Be gentle on your self. It's not your time yet.

It's not fear, as that makes us feel weak. It's just that there is some hope left.

People who CTB are brave, not weak or fearful.