ceriseange♡
ꜱᴡᴇᴇᴛ, ᴍᴏᴜʀɴɪɴɢ ʟᴀᴍʙ...
- Nov 3, 2023
- 50
✦ ⠂⠂୨୧ Hi friends, long time no post ♡ I really hope you're all doing well during these trying times - I know that sounds silly because of the nature of all this, but truly. I'm wishing you all the best.
I apologize in advance for the long ramble, I'm just…really tired. I really thought for a time things were going to get better. I really did. I felt better, I looked better, I lived my life better. I was active, I was social. Volunteering at an aquarium was everything I'd ever dreamed of and being so close to the beautiful pinnipeds filled me with so much hope and joy. Spending time with my family and friends brought me so much love.
And now here I am. It's all worse again. My memory is practically dust, my energy levels are gone, and I'm back to being scared to leave the apartment. I slowly started pulling away from the things that brought me joy and now I'm stuck again, in stagnation that I made for myself.
Then it started getting better again! I got back on my meds and things felt better. I made a new online friend group and some even caught feelings for me, which made me happy :) That such incredibly kind people thought that way of me and were able to help me through my struggles. Then I started vomiting at work from stress. I go from not crying for weeks to sobbing for days. I'm barely on the schedule anymore because they don't know what I can handle (it's a family owned business so it's very much like family…but also not - that's a whole other tangent.)
The people who had crushes on me started crushing on our other friend (they're all poly) and it's becoming apparent that I'm no longer of interest. They went from letting me sleep on call every night to barely answering my messages or acknowledging me on call. They told me our friend slept on call with them last night. I'm happy for them, really. It just stings being the second choice again. I've never been good with these sorts of things or my feelings, but they made me feel so safe in exploring the possibility of being in my first relationship. It's okay! I really do get it, people's interests shift. It just makes me sad how fast I got attached.
There might be a few more mental health issues than I initially thought. Anxiety I can cope with. Anxiety and depression? Harder, but I can do it!
Anxiety, depression, ADHD, autism, and the possibility of being a system…? It's too much. Not in any way self diagnosing either, but these are what I've been told by other people and it's so scary. I feel so out of control of my own thoughts and feelings. The medication isn't helping. I was supposed to have a nice early dinner with my dad and I ruined it with my stupid emotions.
Tw: Graphic descriptions, suicidal ideation, eating disorders, purging
Now I'm home trying to calm myself down from the horrifying thought of drinking all the alcohol in my fridge, icing my arms, and slitting my wrists up to the elbow. I'm purposely trying to relapse myself into my disordered eating habits to have any sense of control. I want to purge just to feel something. My left arm is a disaster right now.
I guess I just don't know what to do. I go back and forth from having so much hope to so little hope and for whatever reason I just can't find a middle ground. Nothing feels completely level. I don't want to go back to work knowing I'm going to be let go by the end of the summer. I can't call the aquarium out of shame. Trying to talk to this friend doesn't do much because I can tell their alter is much more attached to our mutual friend than me. I guess I just miss the company.
I really want to be okay. I really do. Everything felt so much better. I want someone to just sit with me and hold my hand and tell me it's all going to work out and be okay but I can't even do that for myself. I can't comfort my own thoughts.
I'm not…really well versed on methods. Even if I was, there's nothing I can do yet. My parents, my sister, I…can't imagine doing that to them - but at the same time I'm so tired. I'm so tired of fighting. I'm just so exhausted and nothing ever stays good.
That's my little spiel for the night. Maybe. Probably. A little spirally so I might very well be back with another wishy washy cry session.
Take care of yourselves tonight. Drink plenty of water, enjoy that comfort food, hold your plushy a little closer tonight. In one way or another I think we'll all be okay. Wishing you all the best <3
✦ ⠂⠂୨୧
I apologize in advance for the long ramble, I'm just…really tired. I really thought for a time things were going to get better. I really did. I felt better, I looked better, I lived my life better. I was active, I was social. Volunteering at an aquarium was everything I'd ever dreamed of and being so close to the beautiful pinnipeds filled me with so much hope and joy. Spending time with my family and friends brought me so much love.
And now here I am. It's all worse again. My memory is practically dust, my energy levels are gone, and I'm back to being scared to leave the apartment. I slowly started pulling away from the things that brought me joy and now I'm stuck again, in stagnation that I made for myself.
Then it started getting better again! I got back on my meds and things felt better. I made a new online friend group and some even caught feelings for me, which made me happy :) That such incredibly kind people thought that way of me and were able to help me through my struggles. Then I started vomiting at work from stress. I go from not crying for weeks to sobbing for days. I'm barely on the schedule anymore because they don't know what I can handle (it's a family owned business so it's very much like family…but also not - that's a whole other tangent.)
The people who had crushes on me started crushing on our other friend (they're all poly) and it's becoming apparent that I'm no longer of interest. They went from letting me sleep on call every night to barely answering my messages or acknowledging me on call. They told me our friend slept on call with them last night. I'm happy for them, really. It just stings being the second choice again. I've never been good with these sorts of things or my feelings, but they made me feel so safe in exploring the possibility of being in my first relationship. It's okay! I really do get it, people's interests shift. It just makes me sad how fast I got attached.
There might be a few more mental health issues than I initially thought. Anxiety I can cope with. Anxiety and depression? Harder, but I can do it!
Anxiety, depression, ADHD, autism, and the possibility of being a system…? It's too much. Not in any way self diagnosing either, but these are what I've been told by other people and it's so scary. I feel so out of control of my own thoughts and feelings. The medication isn't helping. I was supposed to have a nice early dinner with my dad and I ruined it with my stupid emotions.
Tw: Graphic descriptions, suicidal ideation, eating disorders, purging
Now I'm home trying to calm myself down from the horrifying thought of drinking all the alcohol in my fridge, icing my arms, and slitting my wrists up to the elbow. I'm purposely trying to relapse myself into my disordered eating habits to have any sense of control. I want to purge just to feel something. My left arm is a disaster right now.
I guess I just don't know what to do. I go back and forth from having so much hope to so little hope and for whatever reason I just can't find a middle ground. Nothing feels completely level. I don't want to go back to work knowing I'm going to be let go by the end of the summer. I can't call the aquarium out of shame. Trying to talk to this friend doesn't do much because I can tell their alter is much more attached to our mutual friend than me. I guess I just miss the company.
I really want to be okay. I really do. Everything felt so much better. I want someone to just sit with me and hold my hand and tell me it's all going to work out and be okay but I can't even do that for myself. I can't comfort my own thoughts.
I'm not…really well versed on methods. Even if I was, there's nothing I can do yet. My parents, my sister, I…can't imagine doing that to them - but at the same time I'm so tired. I'm so tired of fighting. I'm just so exhausted and nothing ever stays good.
That's my little spiel for the night. Maybe. Probably. A little spirally so I might very well be back with another wishy washy cry session.
Take care of yourselves tonight. Drink plenty of water, enjoy that comfort food, hold your plushy a little closer tonight. In one way or another I think we'll all be okay. Wishing you all the best <3
✦ ⠂⠂୨୧
