LowLevelChimp
Just your average pos
- Jul 18, 2022
- 46
The last 8 weeks have been hard, I'm someone who does really try to keep on going and just "thug it out" as a friend of mine says, but I can't where the mask anymore. I'm being attacked by external events and my own mind, I'm losing people close to through addiction and alcoholism, I'm clean and sober but I'm thinking of just hitting the F it button to get the courage to take my SN.
The last time I tried CTB I was so driven but completely unprepared and was permanently damage as a result, this time I'm prepared and have more issues but I just can't get driven. Why won't this life just let me go, its just one thing after another, failing health, past coming back to haunt me and that's serious, my wife is realising I'm just not right and I know people are talking about me.
I know I want to go, it's just too much for me but why can't I have that drive I had 9 years ago. I thought I could recover but I don't think it's possible I've given over 9 years of my best effort to sorting my mental health, quitting drink and drugs and working through my criminal record, all for nothing just to watch friends die through drink and drugs, I have often wished I was one of them.
This life is just so f in hard, and I know it's all my own work too which makes it even harder.
The last time I tried CTB I was so driven but completely unprepared and was permanently damage as a result, this time I'm prepared and have more issues but I just can't get driven. Why won't this life just let me go, its just one thing after another, failing health, past coming back to haunt me and that's serious, my wife is realising I'm just not right and I know people are talking about me.
I know I want to go, it's just too much for me but why can't I have that drive I had 9 years ago. I thought I could recover but I don't think it's possible I've given over 9 years of my best effort to sorting my mental health, quitting drink and drugs and working through my criminal record, all for nothing just to watch friends die through drink and drugs, I have often wished I was one of them.
This life is just so f in hard, and I know it's all my own work too which makes it even harder.
