Venting I really fucking hate life.

[Lullaby]

Just some more irritating venting. Nowhere else to turn to, and this forum is my only safe space. If you take the time to read my nonsensical thoughts, then I appreciate you, because I literally have nothing important to say. Just wallowing.

I really do feel I come back here every couple of weeks to talk about the same stuff. It's kind of embarrassing that I don't recognize 90% of the people here because there's so many new users.

I'm getting more comfortable with the thought of dying and I don't know why that's so scary to me, it's like - wow, I'm finally getting to that place of acceptance. I've been even unfazed by gore recently and that's not like me at all. I have a strong stomach, I love horror, but I usually get upset by real graphic stuff. Lately, though, nothing.

Everything just feels dull, bland…I'm tired. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. I have no energy for anything and I'm so unhappy. I hate being alive SO much. I love my cat more than anything in this world, and he's the only reason I'm still here. Honestly, I want a mass extinction event of humans and just give the earth to the animals.

It feels I'm just living in my head 24/7…reading, listening to music, daydreaming about people, things, and places I can't have. It's jarring. I'm getting a little too obsessed with my fake world and it's kind of triggering when I remember it's not real.

I have no friends or anyone genuine I feel I can trust, I think, or at least feel i'm the worst I've ever looked.

I've been trying my best to work hard on my goals, but I keep facing constant roadblocks. God forbid I wake up and something good fucking happens - SOMETHING. It feels like everyday, every week, there's nothing but bullshit waiting. I feel miserable when I open my eyes in the morning because I'm so sad and I know nothing worthwhile will happen. The other day I caved and ordered out; spent a chunk of my money on my favorite dinner to binge on, to at least feel better for a night and someone stole it…I couldn't even get a refund for it, to make it worse. Everything feels like a joke at my expense.

Me turning 30 recently was a huge boogeyman moment, because I didn't think I'd make it this far… I also definitely thought I'd be a in a different place altogether by now. Maybe engaged, being a mom, out of my hometown, away from my family, etc.

So I decided to make a huge decision in terms of my treatment, and it's now been a month since I started ECT.

It's done fuck all, other than give me a shit ton of acne.

We even switched to bilateral placement last week after I asked, which is supposed to be more effective but cause potential severe side effects - which I honestly don't care about. Trauma resides in most of my memories, and I would gladly trade them all in for a chance to feel happy.

The ketamine they give me for my anesthesia is nice, and I'm pretty sure that's what initially gave me a boost, but it's comparable to eating an edible.

I'm really scared they're going to end up telling me they're stopping the treatments because it's not doing anything.

God, I'm sick of people telling me to be patient, that everything will eventually work out, that I need to keep trying. I feel I've been doing everything I need to do, despite how debilitating my depression is, and it's gotten me nowhere. I've really gotten to the point where I don't even care about having a peaceful exit. I just want to jump in front of a train, I'm so sick of this. I hate myself, I hate my life, I hate that I was forced into this world.

I'm tired, I'm tired, I'm tired.

 

[HopingOnaMiracle]

I'm about your age and had rather seen myself with a partner/wife and kids. Instead I'm rotting away because my depression has gotten so bad.

I will also try ECT. Have tried therapy since forever, rTMS, clinical hospital, different meds, ketamine, everything. After all that failing I can't believe ECT working.

So I do feel your pain. I'm also done with it

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

Hating life is understandable. It's almost irrational if you don't hate it.

Every waking moment is spent perpetually being suffocated by a means of making income to survive, if you can even find one.

Corrupt white collars bend you over to fck you up the ass because they know you're not educated or powerful enough to stop them.

Scam artists and greedy backstabbers are lurking around every corner, waiting to pounce on you and suck you dry.

Braindead degenerates, narcissistic assholes and the most useless people in society get rewarded and put on a pedestal.

Billions and billons of people stinking up and littering up the earth like a maggot infestation.



...no one even knows how to communicate or interact in person anymore, because the internet has dumbed us all down.



And if you're phyically unattractive, you get to suffer all of the above while envying those that are.


So, yeah...I'd say it's pretty reasonable to hate life. At least for 99% of us.

 

[Lullaby]

I'm about your age and had rather seen myself with a partner/wife and kids. Instead I'm rotting away because my depression has gotten so bad.

I will also try ECT. Have tried therapy since forever, rTMS, clinical hospital, different meds, ketamine, everything. After all that failing I can't believe ECT working.

So I do feel your pain. I'm also done with it

I'm so sorry. I'm sure it doesn't help much but just know you're not suffering alone - even if most of us are separated by a screen.

Definitely give ECT a try if you can. I've heard it working for others, but I'm honestly not even surprised it hasn't clicked for me yet because I've been dealing with this for so long too. I can sit here and say at least I tried, you know.

 

[HopingOnaMiracle]

I'm so sorry. I'm sure it doesn't help much but just know you're not suffering alone - even if most of us are separated by a screen.

Definitely give ECT a try if you can. I've heard it working for others, but I'm honestly not even surprised it hasn't clicked for me yet because I've been dealing with this for so long too. I can sit here and say at least I tried, you know.

Thanks for responding. I will give ECT a try and at the same time its the last final treatment my psychiatrist has for me. If it doesn't work it's done.

How long have you been dealing with the depression?

 

[Lullaby]

Thanks for responding. I will give ECT a try and at the same time its the last final treatment my psychiatrist has for me. If it doesn't work it's done.

How long have you been dealing with the depression?

I think I first tried committing suicide back in 2006, maybe around 11 or 12, so it's been a really long battle for me personally.

After so long, the whole "just be patient, it'll get better" just grows really triesome to hear.

 

[divinemistress36]

ECT worked temporarily but it gave me permanent memory loss. I cant remember a lot of events that happened or people Ive met. It ruined my life personally but I know it helps other people

 

[franzkafka]

I understand how you feel and the way society is and the system we are living under does nothing but making us more miserable.

It's so sad and frustrating to see so many good, kind and wholesome people go daily through shit because everything and everyone failed them.

Everything feels wrong at this moment, I always thought at the potential we have as a specie and how far off we are from that. We are made to live through a normalized lonely life and a normalized idea that everyone should be for themselves, in a selfish and marginalizing way.

Wars, famine, genocides, rasism and so one and so forth.

I hated life for as long as I remember and I never fit in with everything that this world stands for at this moment. This is why I like this site because it's a community and it feels more a community than a lot of people and groups I found throughout life.

Sorry you are goinf throught this. I hope ETC will work for you.

I don't know you and it's the first time I see a post from you, but I genuinely want that you find peace, in whatever way you decide.

hugs and take care!

 

[Beyond_Repair]

I really relate to not being fazed by gore anymore. I also love horror, but I also am usually very squeamish and dislike blood/guts. But as I've accepted that I will be dying soon, I've also become so detached that gore no longer fazes me much.

I've taken antidepressants since I was a kid, and the only thing that has ever really helped at all is alcohol or xanax. But even that's temporary.

It never got better for me either. I'm a few years younger than you, I never wanted to be a parent but did want to find a partner and travel/live our best lives together. I eventually even became disenchanted with that idea.

Sorry you're suffering so much