Venting I really envy those who managed to ctb

[FuneralCry]

Those who managed to ctb despite the fact that it's so difficult really are so incredibly fortunate to me, I admire those who were able to die on their own terms in this anti-suicide society where suicide is cruelly made so inaccessible.
They are fortunate as now they are at peace and are eternally unable to suffer, all that comforts me and sounds ideal is an dreamless and eternal sleep. No matter what I'll always see it as better to die, as all that existence does is cause unnecessary suffering and problems.

Having the ability to exist as a conscious being will always be so futile and dreadful which is why I envy those who die, they are relieved from the burden that is existence. To me suicide certainly is self care as suicide solves everything and brings peace from all the suffering.

It disturbs me how there is no limit as to how much one can be tormented as long as they exist and I don't see anything appealing about deteriorating from age which is why I really envy those who managed to voluntarily escape from that. It's terrifying how a human can potentially exist for so long, death really is the only relief and all that's desirable is eternally ceasing to exist.

 

[Forever Sleep]

They were fortunate to succeed and not make life worse for themselves- I agree. I admire their courage too and I hope they received the peace they earned.

But- when it comes to facing the CTB process- why do you suppose these people were more 'fortunate' than you? I doubt all of them were fearless to be honest. Most of us are shit scared!

 

[bluegodism]

i understand you perfectly. recently a woman in my country killed herself and the case became known, i know it's horrible to feel this but i can't help but feel jealous of her. i'm not afraid, i have all the necessary courage and i'll do it until february, but today, when i'm alive, i feel envious of them who are already gone.

 

[oddetoad]

It's different for everyone.

I think you need both enough courage and enough desperation to get what you want

one creative way i saw a user doing it was to force himself to go homeless, i dont think i can do that though

 

[FuneralCry]

But- when it comes to facing the CTB process- why do you suppose these people were more 'fortunate' than you? I doubt all of them were fearless to be honest. Most if us are shit scared!

I just mean that those who had access to a reliable way to cease existing that they felt confident in where fortunate as I personally feel trapped here because of the difficulty of suicide, if someone has access to a reliable method in this anti-suicide society then to me that's a privilege.

But overall in my post I'm really just saying that those who no longer exist are fortunate and that's why I envy them, I don't particularly envy how people went through the dying process, I just envy how they no longer exist.

 

[oddetoad]

I just mean that those who had access to a reliable way to cease existing that they felt confident in where fortunate as I personally feel trapped here because of the difficulty of suicide, if someone has access to a reliable method in this anti-suicide society then to me that's a privilege.

But overall in my post I'm really just saying that those who no longer exist are fortunate and that's why I envy them, I don't particularly envy how people went through the dying process, I just envy how they no longer exist.

Why envy something you don't know for sure?

I mean for all we know they could be looping back their life from the start ? I'm not saying thats how it is, I'm just saying you would perhaps feel better if you could let go of that envy it seems to suffocate you

 

[Forever Sleep]

I just mean that those who had access to a reliable way to cease existing that they felt confident in where fortunate as I personally feel trapped here because of the difficulty of suicide, if someone has access to a reliable method in this anti-suicide society then to me that's a privilege.

But overall in my post I'm really just saying that those who no longer exist are fortunate and that's why I envy them, I don't particularly envy how people went through the dying process, I just envy how they no longer exist.

I'm not sure that many people do have easy access to peaceful suicide methods though. People who have N likely broke the law to get it. People who have SN risked police checks. Maybe they were fortunate they weren't caught or it got confiscated but- they took the risk...

People in the UK- you and I could have ordered SN from IC before it got busted. Obviously- money and living situation makes a difference but most people still struggle to get stuff. I'm not pushing you to do it of course or questioning why you didn't. It's more I'd say- it isn't just good fortune. People don't find a reliable method on their doorstep one day. They take massive risks in ordering stuff. (Speaking as one who did and got a police check- that wasn't fortunate!)

It just kind of ignores the fact that for the majority (probably) of people- it isn't easy. People who obtain SN now won't be fortunate- they will be resourceful and willing to take the risk and consequences of being caught. That's my feeling anyhow. Receiving it for Christmas by mistake would be fortunate but buying something probably illegal to import now and receiving it is a risk.

 

[Davey36000]

I also envy but only if it were a relatively peaceful death like SN, N, inert gas, fentanyl ,maybe cyanide, (painful but at least it is quick).

I don't envy teenagers who suicide, a lot of them just seem to fantasize, and they could have changed their life so much...

Also people who live in "good" countries like that guy Avaruus, I don't envy because I myself whish I was in one of those lol... But the grass always seem greener and ultimately money doesn't necessarily always bring happiness...
But still those countries are usually so evolved with so many social benefits, sometimes with free or very cheap college...

 

[NoOneLovesMiMi]

Those who managed to ctb despite the fact that it's so difficult really are so incredibly fortunate to me, I admire those who were able to die on their own terms in this anti-suicide society where suicide is cruelly made so inaccessible.
They are fortunate as now they are at peace and are eternally unable to suffer, all that comforts me and sounds ideal is an dreamless and eternal sleep. No matter what I'll always see it as better to die, as all that existence does is cause unnecessary suffering and problems.

Having the ability to exist as a conscious being will always be so futile and dreadful which is why I envy those who die, they are relieved from the burden that is existence. To me suicide certainly is self care as suicide solves everything and brings peace from all the suffering.

It disturbs me how there is no limit as to how much one can be tormented as long as they exist and I don't see anything appealing about deteriorating from age which is why I really envy those who managed to voluntarily escape from that. It's terrifying how a human can potentially exist for so long, death really is the only relief and all that's desirable is eternally ceasing to exist.

I'm always jealous of any death.
So many people were murdered for the silliest things and I'm jealous because they don't have to worry.
They get to die and be mourned.
I often question God about that because why would you let that happen to people who love their lives and have friends and family when there are people who are willing to die. Very confusing.

 

[Aim]

I agree, I am terrified. But it has to happen.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

People don't find a reliable method on their doorstep one day. They take massive risks in ordering stuff.

This is why I don't understand why people underestimate just how difficult it is to plan and prepare for a ctb, the amount of mental fortitude you need to summon in order to just get the items you need and the risks involved especially if you could get into legal trouble, let alone have the ability to execute it.

It just kind of ignores the fact that for the majority (probably) of people- it isn't easy. People who obtain SN now won't be fortunate- they will be resourceful and willing to take the risk and consequences of being caught.

Could it be that those who risk it anyway even if it isn't easy are driven to ctb anyway or at least to have an option ready in the time meantime.

 

[Forever Sleep]

This is why I don't understand why people underestimate just how difficult it is to plan and prepare for a ctb, the amount of mental fortitude you need to summon in order to just get the items you need and the risks involved especially if you could get into legal trouble, let alone have the ability to execute it.

Yeah- true. Sometimes I wonder just how many attempts really are impulsive too. Methods like SN take planning and time to acquire everything. I don't really get how they can equate a person in some thoughtless, desperate state and one that has to research, plan and acquire everything needed. Follow a protocol extending over days sometimes. Plus- many will get all their affairs in order prior. Presumably- their solicitors deemed them mentally well enough to make a will!

Yeah- I think there are all sorts of preconceived ideas about suicide by normies that bears no relation to the actual person or process in many cases.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Yeah- true. Sometimes I wonder just how many attempts really are impulsive too. Methods like SN take planning and time to acquire everything

It truly does. I think statistically, people whose attempts are impulsive are intended to not be harmful so their methods are knowingly not likely to be lethal because they aren't likely thinking through the process nor their aim is to ctb. Something like SN has a process and knowingly requires a lot from the individual to really think through every step of the method which is why intentional attempts on sn are carried out with an applied effort in order to ctb and are most likely to be fatal rather than not and even in the event of failure, it's down to user error being the case more than the method not working for the individual because their reaction to SN was not helpful to their attempt because they had an underlying issues.

Yes there were cases of users who ingested small amounts of sn in order to test it but again, it was reiterated to use sn for ctb because it could be lethal enough in small amounts so such cases of people not adhering to what the method is for in the first place has happened, it is left to user discretion but such tests with sn usually aren't a reflection of how this method works but rather the decision of the individual to be that irresponsible when the regimen has never suggested such a "test" in the first place to verify if the sn is as pure as stated or how it'll be symptoms wise when there are other ways that don't involve ingesting a small amount of SN.

I'll admit that I've haven't been this driven for something in a very long time.

I don't really get how they can equate a person in some thoughtless, desperate state and one that has to research, plan and acquire everything needed.

Maybe it's the whole notion of this action being for cowards, the fact that you have enough drive to research, plan and acquire everything but won't do the same to solve your problems so in their eyes, it's an easy out even though it is anything but, this effort to plan and research a ctb method is something born out of cowardice.

Yeah- I think there are all sorts of preconceived ideas about suicide by normies that bears no relation to the actual person or process in many cases.

Hence why we have to hide this, away from discussion outside this forum. These preconceived notions are why people cannot speak out honestly.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I envy those who never suffered and struggled in life to the point of CTB.

 

[Ashe]

I agree so much it actually hurts. I wish that I could just make the pain stop.

 

[oddetoad]

I agree, I am terrified. But it has to happen.

Why does it have to happen though Moody?