Venting i really don't wanna die but im not getting better at all...

[404]

it's been almost 4 years since i started being depressed/suicidal. i really want to get better but i have no access to therapists and stuff like that

it's so tiring to experience losing friends because im very mentally unstable and gaining some because they felt bad for me and they want to help me and then losing them again because im not improving. most of them are so nice but i just wasted them all and threw them away.

i have tried to work on myself without any help but it doesn't really do anything good. i really need someone.

will this cycle really go on before i finally get therapy... im so tired of throwing away everything. if this goes on for a few more years then the only thing that will relieve my suffering once and for all is to ctb

 

[badK9wolf]

I feel you. I don't want to die so much as I want to go back in time and undo all my mistakes. I want the chances I sacrificed. I could have been so much more than this.

 

[Michael_the_ratman]

I understand how you feel very well. I'm sure that there is someone out here to listen to you, free of charge. You seem like a nice person, I'm sure people like you and care for you. It may not look like it, as you've lost friends but maybe they still think about you! There's things you can do to get better aside from therapy. There's hope, trust me (:

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

Therapy isn't a cure. For anything. But it can help. You have to put the work in though, and it is hard.

I've been depressed since I was a child, I'm now 35, and I can tell you things can get better. Depression is something that perhaps may never go away fully, but it's about managing better, so learning better coping mechanisms.

There are self help things online you can look at, books you can read etc. And medication you can try

All things work differently for everyone, it's about trial and error, unless you've given up and don't want to try, that's different.

 

[danter0id]

and that's just it for me too. I've been suicidal for 20 years, mostly sparked by school and work stress, and bullying. I don't *want to die.* if I were given the means to live indefinitely without working or while only working part-time, I'd keep going. but because I have to work my ass off to keep my head above water, and I am working myself past the ability to keep going - my body and mind are breaking down - I have to end it somehow.

re the above reply, there is nothing that makes me despair more than "you can get better, you just have to put in the work." survival is already an untenable amount of work, I've been trying therapy for 20 years, and you're telling me I have to do more to satisfy you? I'm breaking down and you say I have to push myself harder? I'm not doing it, I'm killing myself instead. sorry. you've gotten all the work I have to put in