i really don’t know what to do

[butterfly3]

tonight is a rough night, i'm feeling so depressed and deeply empty. i'm also feeling immense guilt about intrusive thoughts i used to have and how much they make me feel like a a bad person.
on any other day, i'd have been like whatever, i will ctb soon anyway. but a little over a month ago i attempted on impulse because things were just too much and the first night of being in the hospital my parents seemed to apathetic and disgusted with me, but later i realised that they were actually just shocked and broken, same as my brother when he found out.
so much so to the point where they get worried every time i take an allergy pill. they also removed the locks from the doors of our bathrooms so i can't lock myself in there and overdose again.
now that i know this i just can't bring myself to do it again. if me attempting causes them so much pain, imagine if i actually succeed. and i promised my mother that i wouldn't attempt again.
i'm just so tired of trying so hard for life to get better and failing, i don't have the energy to try and recover. but i also can't ctb and escape all of this. i really just want things to go back to how they used to be back before summer 2020.

 

[Jrmull1993]

I'm extremely sorry to hear about the pain your experiencing. If you don't mind me asking, who else have you told about this?

Perhaps telling your family you don't want to CTB, but the feelings are very tempting espically with the constant reminders such as the removed locks will start household changes for the better?

 

[butterfly3]

I'm extremely sorry to hear about the pain your experiencing. If you don't mind me asking, who else have you told about this?

Perhaps telling your family you don't want to CTB, but the feelings are very tempting espically with the constant reminders such as the removed locks will start household changes for the better?

i haven't told anyone else, but i told my friend i was in the hospital and i'm pretty sure he was able to assume that it was an attempt. i think my aunty knows too but i'm not certain.
i think i might have convinced them to put the locks back on the doors tonight but they haven't done it yet and im not sure if they really will.

 

[Jrmull1993]

It will unfortunately be baby steps until you return to a feeling of "normalcy".

I dont see anything wrong with you asking your parents who else from the family knows. Perhaps tell them that you won't harbor and ill feelings. You just want to know so you can address it if it comes up.

 

[virgilwalks]

Open honest communication with your family is a difficult situation. We are here for you.

 

[theboy]

I very much understand your situation. I guess sometimes the family senses that you will do CTB. It's like it's no surprise since they've seen your previous attempts and the pain you're going through. That's what I read in some comments on this forum and it made sense to me.
What happened in 2020 that you liked so much?

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you suffer. It sounds like a difficult situation that you are in and I know that it's hard to carry on when you are so tired. It really is such a cruel existence. I hope that in whatever happens, you find relief.

 

[butterfly3]

I very much understand your situation. I guess sometimes the family senses that you will do CTB. It's like it's no surprise since they've seen your previous attempts and the pain you're going through. That's what I read in some comments on this forum and it made sense to me.
What happened in 2020 that you liked so much?

nothing spectacular, things were just not bad. i was very chill, its like i had no thoughts in my brain for the first time in a while. i had friends but everyone was kinda in the same boat with quarantine so i didn't feel like i was missing out or felt especially lonely. its like as soon as summer 2020 hit my anxiety, depression and intrusive thoughts sky rocketed out of nowhere, and a bunch of negative life events happened too like my dad getting sick and me developing an eating disorder, paired with growing apart from and losing most of my close friends. and some other stuff but im not really bothered to go into everything lol