Venting i really believed i got better

[v0id]

i didn't. i can't change. i wasn't able to. i am falling apart again and i'm crumbling under the weight of it all. and this fucking cycle never ends, does it? one day, you see the world in brighter terms. the next, it will remind you why you've always wanted to end it for the past years. it's vicious. i don't need any fucking hopes if it wasn't going to get better anyways. i don't NEED to feel anything remotely good if it was going to be so much worse right after. i just don't understand why i simply can't just die. i wish i was in a lethal accident. i wish i was sicker.

i just can't stand this any longer. it's the hope that hurts more than the constant dull ache of ever having to live. the ever deceitful hope and promises of betterment. i wanted to believe that i was going to be normal. that one day, i won't be as fucked in the head. god. i hate it so much.

 

[58Alice85]

you aren't fucked in the head, you are seeing things clearer and clearer

 

[treecat]

I totally understand what you mean... in fact i did get "better" and i achieved some goals i always wanted but even after all that.. the feeling never goes away