I really am trying

[-nobodyknows-]

For a couple of years, I tried to follow the idea that, if I tried to live my life like a normal person, I would change somehow. And so, I tried my best to live.

Unfortunately, things did not exactly play out as I had hoped. I am still in as much pain as I was before. Nothing I have done is working. And, to make matters worse, things are starting to come apart now. It is as if the very world is telling me "you do not belong here".

I am trying to keep it together. Trying to have faith, that something will change. That something will make my efforts to try to stay worthwhile. But now, it feels as if the stones on the cliff I have been trying to scale are cutting at my hands in an attempt to make me fall.

I hate this feeling. This sense that I no place here. That I am destined to kill myself. I can physically feel it. It's as if something cold is being pressed against my skin. I get so cold, to the point that I shiver and my teeth chatter.

I am trying. I really, truly am. But, I can feel myself slipping. And knowing what such an event will do to the people around me makes me hate myself so much. I hope that, if I do die in such a way, that they will know this, somehow.

What else is there to do? Is anything more I can even do? I do not know. I feel that I am doing all I can. But I don't think it will be enough. I think I am too far gone now, that I have been like this for too long.

I can tell that I am losing my will to keep pushing forward. The side of me that wants to resist, to survive, is being eroded, like water against rock. I don't have any way to fight it, any reason for me to stay.

I am being eaten alive.

 

[GoSan1]

Even if you end it, and cannot push forward anymore, you were strong and fought till the end. That is more than enough.

People tend to call it "give up" but that is not giving up. That is being knocked out from a fight that is too hard. And you fought beyond well, it was simply an unfair enemy to begin with.

 

[lost_one]

I am so sorry about the way you are feeling, I feel a lot the same, if you have someone IRL to talk to please do, they will know you better a probably know what to say. I fyou don't I am really sorry and I hope the words of a fucked up stranger on the internet serve as some solace.

You are strong and brave, if you want to keep fighting please do, unfortunately life is like this, things go wrong more than right, you have to tell yourself that at least you tried. I also understand the feeling of not belonging here, idk if there is a lot you can do to fight it, my therapist tells me to make friends to try, because having a support system makes the pain more bearable. I don't think you "should live like a normal person" that won't make you happier, you need to be yourself, and accept the good and bad in you. "Sit with your feelings and try not to judge them", I know it is easier said than done.

I know that if the people exist you probably don't want to put that burden on to them, and it can get heavy if you only have one or two people to talk to, in that case I feel like this space is also a place to share.

Once again I am so sorry, because I understand you a little too much, and honestly I wish no one had to feel this way. Good luck.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

I could have written your post. I takes much strength to keep going in this mental state. You are not alone.