I really am a selfish person

[-nobodyknows-]

There was a time in my life where I would do anything to survive. Therapy, pills, hospitalizations, and more extreme methods of treatment. But, one day, I realized that I didn't want to survive. I wanted to live, even if doing so would kill me in the end.

I know that if I do end up killing myself, it will cause a lot of pain to the people around me. And yet, I have still chosen the path that will inevitably lead to that. Rather than seeking the deepest, darkest cave to sequester myself in, I chose to emerge, and face the storm outside for as long as possible.

And so, I have chosen to do my best to live normally for a while. Get off medication, and stop going to therapy and seeking treatment. Spend some more time with people, and try to make friends. Try to find meaning in life, and set some goals.

I have done all of this. And yet, I did so with the full knowledge that I will still probably kill myself in the end. By doing this, by lying to everyone around me like this, by pretending that I got better, I know that I am only increasing the severity of the inevitable fallout.

In the end, I wonder what they will think. Would they realize that I've been pretending all along, rather than simply falling back into my old depression? I don't think it really matters though, and, to be honest, I don't know which I'd prefer they believe.

If they do realize the truth, I hope they can at least recognize why I chose such a fate. I do not want to slowly wither away in a drought while crying out for rain all the while. I would much rather put on a smile, and walk into the flames. They are incredibly painful, causing my skin to blister as I approach. But I continue moving forward. Perhaps, rain will fall, and the flames will die down before I reach them. But in a drought as long as this, it seems like a long shot.

And so, I will not hide from the darkness within myself. I will face it, no matter what happens next. If it kills me, then it kills me.

What a selfish person I am.

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

You have no idea how much many relate to you and how many I've met and heard who relate to your values and your life.

I just want to say that your confession felt driven by guilt and a little sense of shame, knowing you have done everything you can, but equally knowing you can not lie to anyone, and I am so sorry you have been hurting, equally being okay to survive as much as you could in this world by your own choice, and I admire that.

Suffering should never be placed on neither the party or the sender who is receiving the punishment for their existence to even feel like there is crises in validating others needs or those who have came before you devoting themselves and honoring your sense of self and your duty, because true love should never have to endure suffering, yet it feels like that double sword is always crossed and the reality is the human experience is just that way somewhere and it tackles a deeper problem, too, where it brings people less community because no one wants to share the true experience of pain and dealing with emotions without one getting offended because your the one hurting, and why I am saying you aren't selfish alone but those who equally made you out to believe you are, and I truly again, wish I could do everything to make sense of it to you, but it's you alone who can help determine your perspective to be on why you feel this, and without a doubt, I can guarantee your feelings are safe with us and you can make a promise to yourself to be strong for them, even though it's hard and you don't need to feel this guilt being weighed down on you either…

You're not selfish alone! Honestly, we are all! Just in different ways.

 

[soonnotkoei]

There was a time in my life where I would do anything to survive. Therapy, pills, hospitalizations, and more extreme methods of treatment. But, one day, I realized that I didn't want to survive. I wanted to live, even if doing so would kill me in the end.

I know that if I do end up killing myself, it will cause a lot of pain to the people around me. And yet, I have still chosen the path that will inevitably lead to that. Rather than seeking the deepest, darkest cave to sequester myself in, I chose to emerge, and face the storm outside for as long as possible.

And so, I have chosen to do my best to live normally for a while. Get off medication, and stop going to therapy and seeking treatment. Spend some more time with people, and try to make friends. Try to find meaning in life, and set some goals.

I have done all of this. And yet, I did so with the full knowledge that I will still probably kill myself in the end. By doing this, by lying to everyone around me like this, by pretending that I got better, I know that I am only increasing the severity of the inevitable fallout.

In the end, I wonder what they will think. Would they realize that I've been pretending all along, rather than simply falling back into my old depression? I don't think it really matters though, and, to be honest, I don't know which I'd prefer they believe.

If they do realize the truth, I hope they can at least recognize why I chose such a fate. I do not want to slowly wither away in a drought while crying out for rain all the while. I would much rather put on a smile, and walk into the flames. They are incredibly painful, causing my skin to blister as I approach. But I continue moving forward. Perhaps, rain will fall, and the flames will die down before I reach them. But in a drought as long as this, it seems like a long shot.

And so, I will not hide from the darkness within myself. I will face it, no matter what happens next. If it kills me, then it kills me.

What a selfish person I am.

how does that even make you selfish? it doesnt. forcing yourself to live normally without aid after having been through rough times takes a lot of courage.

 

[JustA_LittlePerson]

Nice writing skills. What a good writer you are.