Discussion I realized my time was up when I became exhausted by explaining..

[nopointinlivingg]

what depression feels like and how it affects my life/how I function (or don't function, more frequently). When I was younger, I was always eager to explain to others, in an attempt to be genuinely seen/heard/understood. After years of receiving the opposite, I find myself completely exhausted by the idea now, both mentally and physically. I poured so much of myself into doing so to try to repair friendships, relationships, family trauma. I see now it was all in vain. At best I was misunderstood, at worst vilified and abandoned.

I've had therapists suggest journaling and I was always resistant to the idea because I already had so much experience screaming into the void trying to get my "friends" and family to see and understand me, and it never helped. Why would that suddenly change because the words are going onto a piece of paper? I even struggle to post on here sometimes, it really all just feels so fucking pointless, but I know that I will be understood here, so I push. Today is one of those days.

So now instead of explaining, I'm just going to go through with it - no note. Doing my best to amp myself up to actually plan and execute.

Anyone else relate?

 

[willitpass]

I've gotten to the point where it's often actually angering to me to try and explain. There's nothing new to what I'm saying, I've been in the same echo chamber of self hatred nearly all my life. And when I try to tell someone new about it I become angered when they don't see what I'm trying to say and try to help me get better anyway. It's very frustrating.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

It was the same for me sometimes. After getting delusional responses from anti-choice people nearly every time, it is exhausting. I'm sorry you had a similar experience.

 

[nopointinlivingg]

I've gotten to the point where it's often actually angering to me to try and explain. There's nothing new to what I'm saying, I've been in the same echo chamber of self hatred nearly all my life. And when I try to tell someone new about it I become angered when they don't see what I'm trying to say and try to help me get better anyway. It's very frustrating.

I can definitely see that. I think I went through a period of anger too (it's my go-to emotion other than sadness, lol) and now I'm just totally dejected.

 

[february in alaska]

Oh man, I've never known exactly how to put this into words until now. Absolutely. I used to want to tell everyone about my own experiences. These days it feels like too much to even begin explaining it to myself. It's why I doubt going back to therapy would help me. I have a million things to say and issues that need fixing and all of them lead back to one thing: I'm tired. Too tired to unpack any of it. Too tired to get better

That's why this is the one place I vent these days… at least people here already understand so much of my mindset, and I don't have to explain anything. Best of luck with whatever you choose to do, seriously <3

 

[nopointinlivingg]

Oh man, I've never known exactly how to put this into words until now. Absolutely. I used to want to tell everyone about my own experiences. These days it feels like too much to even begin explaining it to myself. It's why I doubt going back to therapy would help me. I have a million things to say and issues that need fixing and all of them lead back to one thing: I'm tired. Too tired to unpack any of it. Too tired to get better

That's why this is the one place I vent these days… at least people here already understand so much of my mindset, and I don't have to explain anything. Best of luck with whatever you choose to do, seriously <3

I think you did a pretty good job putting it into words this time

Agreed though... therapy is starting to feel especially useless. And same to you