I realised CTBing isn't for me but now it hurts knowing there's no 'way out'

[enviro400mmc]

So after some unfortunate events in my life recently the thought of suicide really became very enticing to me. I became almost set on the idea of CTBing being the solution to everything and eventually after a long search of finding places to validate my feelings and maybe find out information about methods I found this place. But a week or so of lurking has actually had the opposite effect and made me realise that I probably don't want to kill myself. I won't bore everyone with the details but I think reading about other people's experiences and plans has given me a deeper understanding of the sense of peace and finality that suicide is meant to bring and I don't really feel like I can relate to that in my reasons which originally made me want to CTB.

The problem is having to accept that suicide is probably off the table is very painful. For a start, my search for methods and general morbid obsession with CTBing gave me a real sense of purpose in life, and now I feel a bit lost without it. Secondly, I now have to face my currently rather miserable life and all the problems that face it. Previously, knowing that was a challenge I did not have to face was such a comfort to me and now its just really difficult to know I have to wake up each morning and try and get on with my life. Everytime I think about my life right now I immediately 'ah I just want to kill myself' but the rational part of my brain knows that's not the right thing to do and accepting that hurts quite a lot. Lastly, I think a lot of my desire for CTBing came from wanting to get revenge on and instill guilt into the people who have let me down, and now it really hurts to know that I have no way to stop them from being happy with how they have treated me and the state they have put me in because they have no idea what I am going through and even if they knew I doubt they would care or take it seriously.

So yeah, I don't know what to do. I genuinely don't want to CTB but the thought of recovery is so difficult.

 

[hamvil]

Well you already know that CTB is not your way out, that is in some sense a relief since you now one less option in front of you. Now you either accept to live like this or try to fix it.

I feel that I will not be able to implement any of the popular methods described on this forum (albeit in the short term). I check my jumping please from time to time but clearly so far I did not manage to jump. My fear is that I will live like this for another 40/50 years unless nature has something else planned for me.

The people that made you unhappy will not give a fuck about you committing suicide. A few people put me in this condition (well with some help from myself) and I am sure they will not care less if I am gone. Revenge is very hard to implement, unfortunately.

 

[Shu8]

You explained my situation. I have no idea what to do, how to get my life little bit less misery, no idea is CTB the only solution I have. Like my mind is empty with pain. If you find any solution, please let me know.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm sorry you are suffering. I suppose in one way, it's good that you've come to this conclusion- as @hamvil just said- you now know your options are either to try and accept your life as it is, or to try and make steps to change it.

I agree with you that if the people who have contributed to you getting to this place are callous, it's unlikely you will be able to make them feel remorse for what they have done. I suppose the only other option is to try and change your own experience of this trauma. I can't say I've had enough experience of it myself but have you tried therapy? I do sincerely applaud you for making the decision to keep trying with your life but I think you need and deserve support. I wish you all the best.

 

[enviro400mmc]

The people that made you unhappy will not give a fuck about you committing suicide.

I'm not really sure about this. I think the people I am talking about have a line of misery which if they have instilled it upon me they would eventually feel remorse. I think as soon as it gets to suicide that's where I have no doubt they would feel bad.

have you tried therapy?

Thank you for your kind words. I have had therapy for the best part of 5 years now with the same therapist, and whether it has ever been helpful is pretty questionable. The problem is having previously recovered from mental health difficulties I now feel a lot of pressure to act as if I am fairly normal and happy. Even if I can say I am unhappy or have had some difficult things happen to me recently, I think I'd be really uncomfortable with admitting quite how badly it has affected me and particularly talking about my recent suicide obsession. It's a topic I want to make another thread about at some point because its pretty confusing.

You explained my situation. I have no idea what to do, how to get my life little bit less misery, no idea is CTB the only solution I have. Like my mind is empty with pain. If you find any solution, please let me know.

That sounds like a really tough situation. I imagine each person's solution is going to be different depending on your problems and your personal circumstances. That being said I think it does require motivation, which is very hard to find unless you personally make the choice that you want to stay alive. I wish you the best of luck, and if I ever do start to feel like I'm recovering I'll try my best to help you.

 

[enviro400mmc]

Back here to vent agian.

I swear recovery is one big cycle of pain. Like every time I realise how depressed I am and how shitty my life is I just instantly can't stop thinking about how much I'd love to CTB. Like just the idea that I have to carry on facing life feels so unfair and depressing, but so does the fact that killing myself feels like a solution. And I know the rational part of brain thinks I should keep myself alive and even if then I don't have good methods to CTB and my SI would always stop me but its like all I can think about. And then I'm meant to sit through lectures or try and be at all productive with my time and I can't because all I do is just sit and think about how much I hate everything. Like I'm just completely addicted to thinking about suicide. I swear when I was younger I used to be bullied at school because I was really obsessed with busses but this is a whole new level of obsession and a very different type of bus.

Also I swear when I try to write down my rants they come out so shit. Like all day every day for me is just one long internal monologue about how much I hate my life and everything right now and in my head it sounds like this amazing articulate well explained masterpiece speech about my life but then when I write it out on here it sounds like its been written by an uneducated 12 year old

 

[deathbylife]

So after some unfortunate events in my life recently the thought of suicide really became very enticing to me. I became almost set on the idea of CTBing being the solution to everything and eventually after a long search of finding places to validate my feelings and maybe find out information about methods I found this place. But a week or so of lurking has actually had the opposite effect and made me realise that I probably don't want to kill myself. I won't bore everyone with the details but I think reading about other people's experiences and plans has given me a deeper understanding of the sense of peace and finality that suicide is meant to bring and I don't really feel like I can relate to that in my reasons which originally made me want to CTB.

The problem is having to accept that suicide is probably off the table is very painful. For a start, my search for methods and general morbid obsession with CTBing gave me a real sense of purpose in life, and now I feel a bit lost without it. Secondly, I now have to face my currently rather miserable life and all the problems that face it. Previously, knowing that was a challenge I did not have to face was such a comfort to me and now its just really difficult to know I have to wake up each morning and try and get on with my life. Everytime I think about my life right now I immediately 'ah I just want to kill myself' but the rational part of my brain knows that's not the right thing to do and accepting that hurts quite a lot. Lastly, I think a lot of my desire for CTBing came from wanting to get revenge on and instill guilt into the people who have let me down, and now it really hurts to know that I have no way to stop them from being happy with how they have treated me and the state they have put me in because they have no idea what I am going through and even if they knew I doubt they would care or take it seriously.

So yeah, I don't know what to do. I genuinely don't want to CTB but the thought of recovery is so difficult.

Preach.

Ditto