DysmorphTic
Member
- May 29, 2023
- 8
And it was the best thing I ever done.
I hitch hike from place to place, and walk from place to place. I sleep in the woods, or behind gas stations, or just anywhere really.
I felt trapped where I was, because I couldn't succeed in suicide and everything in my life was redundant - the same thing every day.
I still want to die but I actually have moments of happiness now. I'm a very spiritual person, and being a homeless wanderer has gotten me in touch with my spiritual nature.
When I start to feel claustrophobic and stuck, I just go to a new city, or a new state. It helps a bunch. I feel free, kind of like how I imagine death would be, but I still have problems. My problems are religious im nature, and seem quite bizzare, but being a transient wanderer has equipped me to deal with these problems better.
I realize I cannot die, and I have always existed - a religious realization. I realize that my life is equal parts good to equal parts bad, so my life is just neutral. I wish I could die, because then I could stop the roller coaster of being happy one day and sad the next. I'd rather everything just be neutral and grey, neither happy nor sad, instead of this fucked up cycle of alternating joy and despair.
But being on the road helps. I haven't given up, I still believe there might be some way to end my misery, even though I can't die. I love going from place to place, and seeing families together and hug and kiss and interact, even though I have no family of my own. I love being out in nature, right now I'm drinking beer and letting ants crawl on my feet, sore from walking. It tickles and I love it, I love ants and I love bugs and I love animals. A few days ago I saw two raccoons in a dumpster and they were so fucking cute, I threw them a beef stick.
Sometimes I get very cold at night, and I lay down covered up with my blanket and I go into a state that is not awake nor sleeping, because it's too cold to sleep. This is my favorite thing, to lay there and be somewhere in between consciousness and unconsciousness - it feels like being dead, and I like that.
I love the bugs and the insects, and I love some of the people. Some of the people I meet are very bad, and have done bad things to me. I figure people have done bad things to them and made them bad, sometimes I start feeling bitter and I am bad, too. But most of the time, I feel love and compassion for most things, so I think my good side wins out in my inner war of good vs evil. Even when I wish the world would blow up, it's only because I wish everything would die so we could all have peace together.
I love you guys, I've lurked this community a long time, and I think you are the best community. You guys are *real* and not fake, and you help each other because you know each other's pain. I think when you become suicidal, you feel like you're on the verge of death, and this causes you to drop any sort of facade or mask or fakeness, and be your real self, because you're not afraid to be your real self anymore because you feel as though you are soon to leave, so there is nothing to hide.
Much respect to all of you, the suicidal kids with hearts of gold, you are the only real people I have ever met.
I hitch hike from place to place, and walk from place to place. I sleep in the woods, or behind gas stations, or just anywhere really.
I felt trapped where I was, because I couldn't succeed in suicide and everything in my life was redundant - the same thing every day.
I still want to die but I actually have moments of happiness now. I'm a very spiritual person, and being a homeless wanderer has gotten me in touch with my spiritual nature.
When I start to feel claustrophobic and stuck, I just go to a new city, or a new state. It helps a bunch. I feel free, kind of like how I imagine death would be, but I still have problems. My problems are religious im nature, and seem quite bizzare, but being a transient wanderer has equipped me to deal with these problems better.
I realize I cannot die, and I have always existed - a religious realization. I realize that my life is equal parts good to equal parts bad, so my life is just neutral. I wish I could die, because then I could stop the roller coaster of being happy one day and sad the next. I'd rather everything just be neutral and grey, neither happy nor sad, instead of this fucked up cycle of alternating joy and despair.
But being on the road helps. I haven't given up, I still believe there might be some way to end my misery, even though I can't die. I love going from place to place, and seeing families together and hug and kiss and interact, even though I have no family of my own. I love being out in nature, right now I'm drinking beer and letting ants crawl on my feet, sore from walking. It tickles and I love it, I love ants and I love bugs and I love animals. A few days ago I saw two raccoons in a dumpster and they were so fucking cute, I threw them a beef stick.
Sometimes I get very cold at night, and I lay down covered up with my blanket and I go into a state that is not awake nor sleeping, because it's too cold to sleep. This is my favorite thing, to lay there and be somewhere in between consciousness and unconsciousness - it feels like being dead, and I like that.
I love the bugs and the insects, and I love some of the people. Some of the people I meet are very bad, and have done bad things to me. I figure people have done bad things to them and made them bad, sometimes I start feeling bitter and I am bad, too. But most of the time, I feel love and compassion for most things, so I think my good side wins out in my inner war of good vs evil. Even when I wish the world would blow up, it's only because I wish everything would die so we could all have peace together.
I love you guys, I've lurked this community a long time, and I think you are the best community. You guys are *real* and not fake, and you help each other because you know each other's pain. I think when you become suicidal, you feel like you're on the verge of death, and this causes you to drop any sort of facade or mask or fakeness, and be your real self, because you're not afraid to be your real self anymore because you feel as though you are soon to leave, so there is nothing to hide.
Much respect to all of you, the suicidal kids with hearts of gold, you are the only real people I have ever met.
