I ran away and it was dumb

[Stroopwafel.]

Like what did I even expect. I knew I had a 99.9% chance of it being some dramatic ass thing. But I felt so desperate that I had to give it a try. If I do not come back soon they will call the police. Which means they will discover my SN and take me straight to the psych ward. So I have to go back in a bit. I really don't want to and I'm really procrastinating the moment to head back. I can't wait much longer as they will start to stalk me again and threaten with the police again.

I honestly wouldn't mind so much if they did not inform my parents. I'm SO mad at them for this. They called my mom and now my mom is in total panic mode stalking me and it breaks my heart. I hate that those kind of institutions call my mom whenever something like this happens. I'm an adult and I don't need you to upset my mom like this, please think for a second. I will definitely tell them to never ever do that again.

Living with people controlling your life like this for so many years is so hard. Every fart I let they know about. I can not do anything without people panicking out and yelling at me and calling the police or locking me up. I hate living at those places. I hate the control they have over my life. I will never be able to peacefully CTB. I always have to take a huge huge risk of failing because there's ALWAYS people around and they are always watching me.

I guess this was a great test to see 'how fast will they start panicking when I'm gone' and the answer is too fucking fast. I have no chance. I'm not gonna be stupid and make them call the police and let them discover my SN and take me to the psych ward. I guess the only option I have to take the SN is at my apartment with way too fucking many people around me who can hear me. It's a huge risk to take it in my apartment, but it's literally the only option I have. If I do not come back during the night I'll be arrested and locked up, and even worse my SN will be taken away (I was smart enough to hide half in my apartment tho so I would still have enough left but it's not worth getting locked up for)

Honestly the the fact that my mom is worrying so much is what's gonna take me back. I feel awful for doing this to my mom AGAIN. If they didn't call my mom I would probably have ignored them much longer. Maybe I would not have gotten back to them. Maybe I would have given it a try, I would have turned my phone off and I would have given them all a big fuck you. But now my mom is involved and I can't hurt her like this. I can't. I don't want to.

I'm just not ready for what's gonna happen when I get back. I need to act cool so they won't worry too much and won't call the dumb crisis people who will maybe lock me up. But how am I gonna act cool? This morning I was a total wreck and now it's like 100 times worse. I'm afraid to go back. I'm afraid of what's going to happen. I don't wanna go back but I have to.

 

[http-410]

Currently, I also often think of "just" running away, so it's interesting for me to read your experience. Still, I think it's unwise to rush things. The way the situation has developed, I think it's wiser to go back, as you plan to do. I can well understand that you are afraid of it, I would feel the same way, but don't feel bad, you are desperate and looking for a solution (in whatever form).

I assume that since you live in such a controlled institution, people around you know about your suicidal intentions, right? But do they know how serious the situation is? Maybe this situation brings an opportunity to talk openly about everything and to get more/better help?

I'm interested in how things went, how are you doing now?

 

[Stroopwafel.]

Currently, I also often think of "just" running away, so it's interesting for me to read your experience. Still, I think it's unwise to rush things. The way the situation has developed, I think it's wiser to go back, as you plan to do. I can well understand that you are afraid of it, I would feel the same way, but don't feel bad, you are desperate and looking for a solution (in whatever form).

I assume that since you live in such a controlled institution, people around you know about your suicidal intentions, right? But do they know how serious the situation is? Maybe this situation brings an opportunity to talk openly about everything and to get more/better help?

I'm interested in how things went, how are you doing now?

You are absolutely right. It was a very unwise decision. But this desperate feeling and knowing I can not be on my own for even a few hours, is killing me something. It makes me SO mad and I just do dumb things every once in a while. I know that if they didn't call my mom I would not have been back by now. I would have turned off my phone, go to a hotel and continued my plan. But my mom was already driving here because she was like 'I'm so worried and I'm gonna find you' I mean, how could I have ignored that? How could I have ignored her? She made me realize that my plan was dumb and I had to go back. Now I feel so bad for putting her into this situation. I feel like a monster. I love my mom and I don't want her to worry like this.

I'm back since like 45/60 minutes, I'm not sure. I was super mad at them for calling my mom. But they left me alone for the first 30 minutes. I opened a bottle of wine and as I didn't eat and drink in over 24 hours (it think I didn't in almost 48 hours at this point) I was drunk FAST. I drank half a bottle in like 30 minutes, so yeah I'm totally wasted rn and still drinking.

They came to me to bring me some food after 30 minutes and I was soooo hungry so I ate it all in like 5 minutes lmao. They tried to talk to me but I was already pretty drunk. At some point I asked them which idiot thought calling my mom was a good idea???? And they were like 'well if you told us you'd go for a walk no one would have called her' and I'm like 'damn you really think I didn't try that like at least 383892 times before? No one will let me leave when I'm in this state. You would have called the police immediately.

I kept in touch with them during the last few hours I was gone, so that they wouldn't call the police. I know pretty damn well now to manipulate those people at this point, when it comes to this. I just can't and also don't want to manipulate my own mother. No way. Never. So I came back and told my mom to turn around because I'm back.

Yes, they know I'm suicidal, that's why they got so worried and I'm honestly surprised how long it took them to call the police. Like I said, I think I'm pretty good at manipulating them at this point, but I outdid myself here lmao. If they didn't contact my mom, I could have bought myself a lot of time tbh. At the end of the conversation I yelled at him that I would not have come back if they didn't contact my mom. Not a smart thing to do, but like I said, empty stomach and wine made me drunk so fast and I really regret I yelled that at him. He will come back in an hour and I'm just totally wasted and I have to make sure I keep my damn mouth shut till at least tomorrow.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are suffering, it sounds like you are going through a lot. I can imagine it must be hard living in a controlled environment for so long, I bet it would make most people desperate. I wish you well.