I don't think it's a good idea putting a gun up to your head "not seriously" and squeezing a trigger in hopes that the safety might fail. What if you don't have the gun in the correct spot and it happens to go off, just like you wish, but instead of killing you, it only maims you, and you become incapacitated in some way, maybe a vegetable, unable to remove yourself from this new "reality" you've created for yourself? It's not worth it. I think if you want to kill yourself you need to be serious about it. It's not something you want to happen through happenstance, or luck of the draw, as the case may be. I'm not a fan of shooting yourself in the side of the head, anyway, as I think the outcome is just too uncertain. But, the way you're doing it just adds more uncertainty as to the outcome. That's just my 2 cents, so take it for what it's worth. I hope you can find clarity about what you truly want and can get to the peace you deserve, no matter how you need to get there.
