Story I plan on drinking N as soon as I get my hands on it

[Chasing Sleep]

arrived in just 2 days??

I'm pretty sure the shipping label said it was created on the 16th, so I think was more like 1 day

 

[Chasing Sleep]

Update #5

Currently, I'm storing my N in a dark place in my bathroom. I'm really happy with the way it's labeled because it makes it so much easier to blend in. I have a "suicide bag" that contains the N, some Orajel, and mint mouthwash. I packed other "cosmetic" items around it to make everything blend in, and at first glance, it really just looks like someone's overnight bag.

I was tempted to taste it, but I know once you open the bottle it greatly alters the shelf life. Not that it matters considering I plan to ctb as soon as I'm given the surefire opportunity, but still.

I tested the effectiveness of Orajel numbing your sense of taste. I plastered two different types on my tongue and then tried to eat soap. Didn't taste the soap but the way my throat felt numb kinda freaked me out. It wasn't that I couldn't swallow, rather that I couldn't feel myself swallow. I panic easily so it wasn't a great experience...not sure if I'll end up using Orajel after all.

My current issue is that this weekend is an awful time to plan to ctb. My niece has been excited to see me this weekend and I just don't have the heart to do it the day before she visits me. I promised her we'd eat ice cream sandwiches together ):

When I woke up this morning I was fully in the headspace to ctb. I was having a wonderful dream where I was part of some cadets force but we were all goofing off and having fun together, with no worries of ever experiencing pain or sadness. We were scaling this lush mountain range, searching for the highest spot so we sled race all the way back down. I felt like an adventurous kid again, without any worries of any dangers I may have faced, without having to look at a broken world through the eyes of an adult. It must've been a glimpse of heaven: pure, childlike bliss.

Suddenly the dream switched to me sitting on a couch with some girl I'd never seen in my life. Her dad was across the room, gently interrogating me to make sure I was up to his standards for his daughter. No one took it seriously of course, and we found ourselves gigling because in my dreams I guess I have nothing to be ashamed of. I wasn't some 27-year-old bum that still can't live on her own. During her dad's "interview" I felt the girl take her hand in mine. She brushed her thumb against my palm and I could see her soft smile from the corner of my eye. I felt this flurry of butterflies that I've never experienced in any relationship I've had here on this earth. I felt this swelling in my chest...like I knew I could trust her- like I knew she was the kind of girl that would love me through anything. I held her hand tight and smiled back at her dad with confidence. I felt fulfillment, excitement, and love. Fulfillment because being a part of those cadets gave me some sort of purpose, though I didn't really understand what our task was. Excitement because exploring those mountains unleashed the hungry adventurer in me and the childlike excitement of wondering "what's beyond that corner?". Love because I existed in a world where the ones you love would never break your heart. And the best part? No anxiety, no depression, no mental illness. I was at peace.

And then I heard my mom knock on my bedroom door. My comrades in the mountains, the girl who held my hand- they all vanished in a heartbeat.

I'm still trying to think of a way to describe how bad that felt.

Anyways, sorry for the random dream vent. My current plan to ctb is to hold on for this weekend and give my niece the time of her life. She's leaving on Monday so I'm hoping late Monday's the ticket date for me. I wanna see those mountains again so bad.

 

[Mtnwildflowers]

Update #4

Just picked up my N from a UPS drop-off location. The packaging was super discrete and the bottles are in perfect condition. I hardly can believe I actually have N. Holy shit.

I'm excited for you. I'm suppose to get my tracking number for my purchase of N soon :)

Oh and definitely don't have your location on. I think you mentioned that in a past post. Make it a point to turn it off earlier or someone will know something is off. My mom was secretly tracking my phone (I'm in my 30s and had no idea) and called the police and I got cornered by the police in a gun shop during my last attempt to buy a gun for suicide.

 

[Chasing Sleep]

I'm excited for you. I'm suppose to get my tracking number for my purchase of N soon :)

Oh and definitely don't have your location on. I think you mentioned that in a past post. Make it a point to turn it off earlier or someone will know something is off. My mom was secretly tracking my phone (I'm in my 30s and had no idea) and called the police and I got cornered by the police in a gun shop during my last attempt to buy a gun for suicide.

Aw man ): I'm so sorry that happened to you. I completely understand too- I've had the cops called on me twice now and you feel so helpless when they catch you.

I had one member PM me suggesting using an app to disguise my GPS location, so I might try that. Thing is, idk if that works for law enforcement. At this point, I'm just paranoid that anything can give me away.

---

Update #6

Trying to give my niece a good final weekend with me. She has officially been adopted from the foster care system and into our family for 3 months now.

I brought her a huge bag of gifts, took her to the arcade to race on go-karts together, and then I treated us to some milkshakes. She had the time of her life. We're heading to bed now. She gave me a really good drawing of Todoroki that she drew for me before her visit. Turned the drawing around to see a note on the back she left for me. It says "you're the best aunt. Don't forget you're my family forever."

I can't stop crying.

 

[milly]

Aw man ): I'm so sorry that happened to you. I completely understand too- I've had the cops called on me twice now and you feel so helpless when they catch you.

I had one member PM me suggesting using an app to disguise my GPS location, so I might try that. Thing is, idk if that works for law enforcement. At this point, I'm just paranoid that anything can give me away.

---

Update #6

Trying to give my niece a good final weekend with me. She has officially been adopted from the foster care system and into our family for 3 months now.

I brought her a huge bag of gifts, took her to the arcade to race on go-karts together, and then I treated us to some milkshakes. She had the time of her life. We're heading to bed now. She gave me a really good drawing of Todoroki that she drew for me before her visit. Turned the drawing around to see a note on the back she left for me. It says "you're the best aunt. Don't forget you're my family forever."

I can't stop crying.

How old is your niece?

 

[Chasing Sleep]

How old is your niece?

13- she was put in the foster care system after being abused by her birth family for years. She's been so excited to have been adopted and according to my family I mean the world to her as a role model.

Sadly, she's right at the age where something like this would probably really mess her up ): I feel horrible

 

[Chasing Sleep]

Update #7

Here's my N checklist so far:

• 2 bottles of N from D (I weigh 90-100 pounds, so this is more than double what I'd need)
• Orajel (probably won't use)
• Small portion of wine (alch apparently speeds up the N?)
• Mint mouthwash (probably won't need to use if I'm drinking wine after the N)
• Mini sewing scissors to open the bottle with
• Large plastic cup for the N
• 1 slice of bland ass bread (final meal let's go )

I do not have:

• Meto
• Any AE
• A will to live

I'm not worried about not having an AE, since it's only necessary if you have issues with keeping stuff down. My biggest fear is timing everything and not getting caught. I may not have the chance to fast if I'm suddenly given the right opportunity to chug N without the risk of being found too early. If I'm given the proper chance to fast, I'll still try to eat a slice of bread an hour or two before chugging.

I haven't read much about what N does if you have had more than just a "light meal" ahead of time, does anyone have an idea? I'm just hoping everything plays out in my favor soon. I'd rather not be constantly fasting as I wait for the right time.

Another helpful development in my story is that I found a program on my PC that I can use to hack the GPS location on my phone. I'm being heavily monitored by family and a friend via the Life 360 app, so it's really hard to sneak away anywhere. If I just turn the location off, they'll know I'm definitely doing something fishy.

My plan right now is to use the program to spoof my location elsewhere (probably at work, or someplace really far away to send cops on a goose chase if it comes down to that), plant my actual phone inside my car someplace else, then find a secure spot to pass away in peace. Considering my size and dose, there's a very high chance of me dying within a half hour. In reality, I'd probably be gone before cops even had the chance to start a search for me.

I guess I'm very very afraid of that small possibility. I've had plans thwarted by cops before and it sucks so bad.

 

[milly]

I really envy you for having N and all set to go.

 

[fizi22]

@Chasing Sleep when you tested the orajel, where you able to drink the whole bowl of soup? and how long did the numbing last?

 

[Chasing Sleep]

@Chasing Sleep when you tested the orajel, where you able to drink the whole bowl of soup? and how long did the numbing last?

It was actually soap, not soup I straight up just started eating some soap haha

I didn't record exactly how long it lasted, but I felt like the numbness went on for at least a good half hour. I wanted to test it again soon (maybe with some bitter-tasting alcohol), but only on my tongue and not my throat because it feels super uncomfortable when your throat's numb. One thing's for sure is that it definitely did a good job at masking the taste of soap for me.

 

[Chasing Sleep]

If the timing works out, I may be able to attempt tomorrow. My fingers are crossed

 

[TheMothraFiles]

If the timing works out, I may be able to attempt tomorrow. My fingers are crossed

I hope it all goes well.

 

[Mtnwildflowers]

Update #4

Just picked up my N from a UPS drop-off location. The packaging was super discrete and the bottles are in perfect condition. I hardly can believe I actually have N. Holy shit.

I just got mine as well. I know it's smart to have the package be discreet but part of me wishes I had the bottles with original packaging just to make sure but I obviously know that's not smart. I've heard of people testing them though. I just don't want to open it to test and it exposes it to air more and loses potency or something . Guess that's the only way though

 

[VoidDesirer22]

If the timing works out, I may be able to attempt tomorrow. My fingers are crossed

Best of luck.
I'm joining you very soon.

 

[milly]

Any update? @Chasing Sleep

 

[FindingPeace8]

I just got mine as well. I know it's smart to have the package be discreet but part of me wishes I had the bottles with original packaging just to make sure but I obviously know that's not smart. I've heard of people testing them though. I just don't want to open it to test and it exposes it to air more and loses potency or something . Guess that's the only way though

I'm new here but have been struggling chronic illness. I just sent an email out to the contact in the Nov PPeH. I just want to verify that I am contacting the right email. I'm glad you've been successful attaining what you need to have options. Could you reply here or pm me just to verify that email is the one you used successfully to obtain what you need? Thank you so much.

 

[dandan]

arrived in just 2 days??

yeah, that was weird, more like sales pitch.
damm, 2 days? I travelled some cities in south mexico and this guy just two days?
Thread has stopped, no more updates, damm.
maybe thats how it is.

 

[jacrispy]

yeah, that was weird, more like sales pitch.
damm, 2 days? I travelled some cities in south mexico and this guy just two days?
Thread has stopped, no more updates, damm.
maybe thats how it is.

looks like they posted their last update on 03/24 and haven't been back on since 03/25. too long to be in a psych facility. thinking the CTB attempt was successful. glad to know they have found peace.

 

[SolomonKado]

Update #1

Just paid D through Western Union, geez was it a pain in the ass. Apparantly WU has been experiencing a server-wide issue, so I had to find a location in person in order to send money.

I asked him to ship it to a UPS drop-off location because I've read that PO boxes are risky and I can't have it shipped to my address. My parents and friends have me under their thumb because they're suspicious I'm plotting something.

I do not plan to ctb at home, even though I would love to pass peacefully in my own bed. It's too risky and I don't want to traumatize a loved one. My current plan is to rent a hotel room, head to "work" one morning (my shifts start at 6AM), check-in, and document my passing on this website. I feel exceptionally guilty because my loved ones are trying to help me, but I am so exhausted and only want peace now.

Thank you so much for your kindness

Thank you, sending you love and luck on my end as well. Have you already gotten your N? It feels like so many people on this site either have a bottle or are in the process of getting one.

Thank you so very much

I wish you all the best of luck! I know what tired feels like.

 

[notahappygirl]

Thank you for documenting. I'm planning on taking N as well and want to drink something with it since I've read a lot about it's bitter taste (don't want to throw up) if someone can help