Help I originally signed up because I was set on Catching the bus, but now I want to try and fight to live. I need advice.

[PetalsOnTheWind]

Like the title says. I want some advice on how to go about this. I have a fiancee who I love very much and who loves me very much, and I feel really bad with her watching me be depressed everyday, so I want to recover for her sake, but feeling bad for being suicidal/depressed/anxious in front of her just makes me feel like I deserve to not be alive. How do I pull myself out of this loop? and what are some ways I can improve in general? I can't do therapy, I can not afford it. I'm trying hard not to give up for her sake, but it feels harder day after day.

 

[boxtobs]

So. Hear me out on this one. There's a handful of free online substitutes for the suicide hotline that can make for a spotty in quality but very free and anonymous substitute councilor and social worker when you're in crisis or feel like you may be soon. They had a few very good resources for free therapy and group living accommodations (which I needed at the time) in my country too, so it may be worth it to check them out solely for resources.
If you're willing to attend support meetings for substance abuse despite (maybe, not going to presume here) not having substance abuse issues, a lot of us are also dealing with mental health conditions that drove us to usage as a coping mechanism, grief, past abuse and more. I've known plenty of people who have done the programs just for the fellowship aspect or because they knew people who abused substances and I can hardly judge them for it. It's good for when you need a place to belong and be allowed to suffer without being made to feel like a burden for feeling in the first place. No worries if that feels too fucked up for you to try though.
Also they are usually, at least around here, exceptionally/intrinsically religious in a way you can't separate if religion isn't your thing or is distressing.

I think an important part of recovery is making sure you don't feel like you have to pull yourself out of depression, at least certainly not unaided entirely or all at once. Expecting people to recover in a vacuum without support would be cruel, and, more often than not as long as you get someone in an understanding and safe environment and they want to get better, they'll make at least a little progress.

And as a little closing note. I wanted to say you're already doing one of the worst steps in recovery in my opinion. Wanting to get better and asking for help where you can. I hope you can feel more forgiving of yourself and your disability needs as time goes on. You're doing enough to deserve existence already if it's what you want. Good luck.

 

[WitheringBird02]

Here ... I made this long ass post if this helps you let's not give up shall we?

Post in thread 'You set a deadline, if you get better before that then you will not cbt. What do you do?' https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...ll-not-cbt-what-do-you-do.110443/post-1891784

 

[AngryDog]

From that brief description I suggest you find an activity you enjoy or used to enjoy. It can be anything, even something you know nothing about but were always curious to try out. If it's a sport or a hobby that requires skill, take it easy, you don't have to be good at it at all. I know that with depression someone is usually stuck in a mood of "I enjoy NOTHING" but the fact that you want to get better is a great sign. I wish you the best of lucks.