I ordered SN from DMC but hardly feel anything.

[elderDrifter]

I was able to order the SN just fine from DMC, and it's been in transit for a while now, but I don't feel much of anything about it.

I don't know when I'm going to use it, or if I'm going to use it at all, but I don't even feel much of a sense of reassurance knowing I'll have a way to end it.

Right now it seems a bit extreme to end my life given my current level of suffering, but it's nice to know I'll at least have it just in case it becomes too much.

You'd think I'd feel this big sense of peace, reassurance, and safety in having a way to end it. But frankly I hardly feel a thing. It's just weird. I expected to feel something, feel a different way about life, or something.

Is it because I don't have it yet? Or maybe I've grown so numb to life that not even this could affect me. I'm not sure. How does/would having SN change the way you see things?

 

[nomoredolor]

I got mine today and I feel relieved, even giddy to have it. I've been tracking it every day waiting for it to arrive. I don't have immediate plans to use it (tentative Fall) but in the back of my head I feel reassured knowing I have a reliable method for the next 3 years. I put my entire SN kit in a Christmas gift bag and filled out the tag to a fake person so that it just looks like a Christmas gift waiting for a friend should someone stumble across it. Not that I am keeping it in an accessible location. But I'm hyper aware that it's in here.

I had felt relieved to order it too and worried about a welfare check. But in general my feelings at the time were more blunted than I anticipated. Things might change when you get it but without knowing you personally I can't say.

Take good care
Anna

 

[danny10]

It gives me a lot of reassurance to even have SN. Because finally I am in control of my own destiny. It calmes me to know, I have SN which means having access to a rather quick and painless method to exit this world. I am not planning on use it any time soon, maybe end of summer is my CTB time.

 

[mirisasofia09]

I also ordered the sn this morning and I'm very happy. I will have a tool that will allow me to find the peace I deserve when I need it. It's more my mental reassurance that I will always have an alternative and I will finally be able to be in peace without suffering too much.

 

[blackbeauty]

I've not ordered it yet but I'm sure I would think "shit just got real". I'm quite impulsive too so if I did have SN around, I'm sure I would take it on a whim rather than it being a planned CTB.

 

[Eudaimonic]

I feel the exact same way. Well, I also feel very anxious. Maybe it's in large part because I still have to jump through hoops to source benzos (otherwise I don't think it's even worth doing the method for me), order several other things, and do everything right without getting caught. Though this is just my backup method, assuming I can get the primary one to work.