Help I on paper have everything. I want to die every day. Is there hope?

[lprip]

Here is my life at bullet points:

- 25 years old
- Programmer, makes a great salary and money is never a problem, and I generally like it
- Went back to live with my parents after a mental health crisis, then the pandemic happened and I never left
- Parents are loving and supportive, and basically do everything for me like I'm a fucking child (cooking, cleaning, etc)
- Working from home
- In some crazy cosmic coincidence I have a girlfriend who I love and loves me and understands me. She is genuienly the best part of my life, and sticks with me through everything
- Was a gifted child, never had many friends, skipped a grade, afterwards was severly bullied and never really managed to connect with people in school
- Don't have any close friends outside of my girlfriend
- Diagnosed with Depression at age 16, but depressed since I remember myself.
- Recently diagnosed with ADHD
- Have severe executive discussion - can't follow anything through, can't create, have hard time completing projects, organizing stuff, etc
- Was treated in every way possible:
- Tons of different pills
- Years of therapy with whomever
- ECT (yes they shocked my brain and it fucked my memory)
- Experimental Ketamine treatment
- Nothing affected my mood, will or self hatred
- Feel constantly guilty that I got everything in life but am just wasting it
- See how my time ticks by and everything slowly gets worse
- Can't connect with people
- Every simple task takes so much from me
- Recently my therapist retired and I haven't been able to find a new one
- Before that I was already stagnated
- Feel useless and a burden
- Gained a lot of weight since the pandemic, I now weigh 100kg
- Realized I can't go to the gym, started getting a personal trainer
- Despite that, and trying to eat healthier, I still can't lose weight or feel better about my body
- Really can't stand myself. Feel I'm so far behind on developing as a person than anyone.
- My only "hobby" is killing time by playing video games with some sort of youtube video in the background. It makes my brain numb.
- I used to be able to read books, now it's too hard.

My girlfriend really tries to help me but she has got nothing.
My therapist and psychiatrists say it would get better with age, but after like 4 years of serious therapy I don't believe them.
Can't stand the guilt, the self hatered, the emptiness of my life, the loneliness.

It seems to me that there is just nothing more for me.
I tried so many stuff and that's just it.
Maybe something alleviate symptoms, but nothing will make my brain not what it is.
Nothing will make me be the kind of person I want.

There isn't a point in my life that I can think of, that given the option to die instantly I wouldn't take it.
Ironically, the same dysfunction that keeps me stagnate, also doesn't let me to plan my death.

Honestly, I just want someone to give it to me straight once.
No mincing words, no stupid life philosophies.

Just agree with me that
That's it, that's my brain, that's my life, and I can either keep it or not.

And I choose not.
I don't think there is anything for me I haven't tried yet.
And if I don't want to live when I have so much, surely I won't want to when I lose everything.

So to me, the only way I see is to CTB.

Please let me know what do you think, if there's something else I can do, and if not how can I CTB in my condition.
Thanks.

 

[Grav]

A lot of what you wrote I recognize in myself as well. I also look at life like you but I have a few different things, more reasons not to ctb than "live for". I've got no easy answer for you, it's up to you whether or not you think life is worth living. Seeing what you have vs what some people on here deal with doesn't help, it feels crappy to talk about life not being worth it when others are having a worse existence, but each person has their own goals and limits. Lately I've been thinking about what would I really do if money was no object, etc and while I have some ideas, money is an object so they won't happen. So I keep floating through each day, same old same old. If you're looking for a change of living maybe start looking around for something new to do. It might spark something that you really dig but never thought of. Not sure on your gf but since she's there bring her into it. Even something as mundane as eating a new kind of food may bring a bit of spark.

 

[Dot]

cn recmmnd & gve info on a dffent typ of thrpy if tht wld b helpfl

 

[wr3ck3d]

What do you mean by "it gets better with age"? You're not a bottle of wine. Your brain doesn't get better just because it ages. You don't outgrow out of depression.
There is medication for ADHD and you can use the "got everything in life" to help yourself do what you want. It doesn't have to be productive for others, as long as it's helpful for you, at least in the beginning. It looks like you have what you need to become better, except for a will to do so, at which point I can only suggest to follow your heart.

But @Dot might have something better for you!

 

[lprip]

That's what my doctors tell me. I don't buy it.

They also say I can't take ADHD medications because I'm at risk for getting psychosis

A lot of what you wrote I recognize in myself as well. I also look at life like you but I have a few different things, more reasons not to ctb than "live for". I've got no easy answer for you, it's up to you whether or not you think life is worth living. Seeing what you have vs what some people on here deal with doesn't help, it feels crappy to talk about life not being worth it when others are having a worse existence, but each person has their own goals and limits. Lately I've been thinking about what would I really do if money was no object, etc and while I have some ideas, money is an object so they won't happen. So I keep floating through each day, same old same old. If you're looking for a change of living maybe start looking around for something new to do. It might spark something that you really dig but never thought of. Not sure on your gf but since she's there bring her into it. Even something as mundane as eating a new kind of food may bring a bit of spark.

I compulsively shop sometimes. Nohthing helps

 

[SilentSadness]

Sounds like your suffering is very real despite better-than-average circumstances; it's certainly not abnormal to feel pain despite having everything. Suffering doesn't discriminate and everyone is hit by its worst. For me it is much more vivid than happiness. Based on what you've said, it sounds like you have a good chance to recover but if you can't bear it anymore then I wouldn't criticise you for it. Everything does come to an end but it's your choice whether to enjoy/endure it while you can. I hope that you can choose the path that brings you peace.

 

[StillBreathing]

Are you me? Seriously, reading your post I can relate to almost everything. I'm also a programmer, see myself as smart, gifted with intelligence but unable to apply myself in big projects or life endevours. I always tried to mimic people around me, never felt like I belonged anywhere. Recently moved to my father's place because I would probably CTB if I didn't.

I don't know how to help you because I seem to be looking for the same answer. What I can tell you is that the only time I feel like I want to live is when I am "high on something". Now this does not have to be drugs. For example this morning at the gym. I felt atop of the world like nothing could stop me. Of course this is just all the chemicals released in my brain during the intense workout, mixed with caffeine and other PED's taken beforehand. I do believe there is something in our brain chemistry that is off. I don't have an ADHD diagnosis like you but I am on antidepressants that increase dopamine. They helped alot at the beginning but not anymore. I cannot get anything stronger without a diagnosis. Do you take any medication for your depression or ADHD?

Our brain is probably missing something, this is why I believe that:
- I have always been addicted to something:
- OCD in different forms, coming and going
- During my childhood: video games, collecting pokemon, plushies etc
- In high school video game addiction was at it worst, 16 hours a day (World of Warcraft), my grades went from top to bottom
- Hitting puberty, porn became a big problem. I had access to anything I wanted to watch. This combined with video games made me sit at home all the time.
- In adulthood I still have these addictions but at different ratios. With way more knowledge and access to money, drugs and the ability to buy what I desire. It is a slippery slope. I seem to function way better when I am in a relationship, but they never last that long. I both thrive and hate being completely alone, it's hard to describe.

This is no good answer to your question but I could see myself a lot in your post so I thought I would reply anyway. Me myself I will try to bring all of this up to my next therapist and maybe there is some treatment they'd let me try... I wish you best of luck my friend.

TLDR: Our brain chemistry is probably fucked, try exhausting every option before you make a decision you cannot undo.

 

[berniata]

TLDR: Our brain chemistry is probably fucked, try exhausting every option before you make a decision you cannot undo.

Currently adopting this method. Exhausting every method is well... exhausting.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

You don't have everything if you wish to die every day.

Don't give up on the weight loss. From what you say it must be contributing to your self chatted and general emotional malaise. I'm not sure what it'd look like but there must be an effective method.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that after all, only you know if you should continue existing, it's a completely personal decision and other people cannot tell you what to do as they aren't enduring your existence. It's very much understandable wishing to be free from this world as it does sound tiring what you have to go through but anyway, I wish you the best in whatever happens going forward.

 

[cristaleyez]

Wow I'm also...
- In my 20s
- Live with parents/guardians who do the housework
- Have a wonderful partner
- Also a gifted child, never had many friends, was given the opportunity to skip a grade
- Diagnosed with depression in teens and also remember having it as far as I can remember
- Diagnosed with ADHD
- Have horrible executive dysfunction
- Have been treated with so many pills I couldn't even count the amount of my fingers and my toes
- Years of therapy
- About to get a ketamine treatment
- Can't connect with people
- Therapist I was attached to and disclosed a lot of information to, which is difficult for me, left
- Struggle to lose weight no matter which regimen I follow (perhaps try to find out your body type? I believe I'm an endomorph and I gain fat very easily with a slow metabolism, it's very fun (sarcasm))
- Pretty much only strictly game and watch YouTube videos in the background of whatever the hell I'm doing
- Can't read books

It really did feel like reading another version of myself. And yet, similarly, I want to CTB as well.
I've been in therapy since 2017- 6 years. It'd say it has, comparing to how I was in 2017 gotten better. But that's only in comparison. I'm still trapped in my mind all the time.

In fact I think a big reason I want to CTB is because of my ADHD. The execution dysfunction it causes is unmanageable for me. I don't have a job because I can't commit to one.
Just want you to know there's someone in a much similar boat who still feels the way you do.

Life can seem perfect, but there are always external factors you can't control. You say you have everything, but I see that you seem to have debilitating ADHD like I do and it makes me want to CTB as well.

Don't feel as if you don't have the choice to CTB because of how good your life "seems" to be. You still seem to be suffering. "Other people have it worse" mindset is probably just ingrained in our heads from society and other people attempting to make us feel better. (It doesn't.)
In the end, it's your choice and your decision. No matter which you choose, know this random Internet stranger supports you and relates way too much.

 

[lprip]

I wish I could
I compulsively eat
And I can't control what food there is because I don't live alone. Even if I did I'm much more likely to not anything than to eat healthy which is not good.
I really hate working out. Every time I do it I do it unwillingly.
I wish I could switch hobbies,do anything else but my brain prison won't let me.
It's stupid I know, but I can't even force myself to do a lot of stuff, and certainly not consistently.

How can I CTB? What ways are available for someone like me?

 

[StillBreathing]

No one here on this forum can help you except yourself. Whether it be loosing weight, eating more healthy or working out more. In the end it is up to you and how much you want to change. You can give up and CTB, or you can start fixing your life today - one small step at a time.

 

[lprip]

Great. I'm gonna give up.
I'm trying small steps my whole life and it led to nothing.

So I'm here for tips to ctb.

I have money, but I have limited skills and time when I'm truly alone.

What method is recommended here?
Is there any way to do it and still donate organs? I'm willing to sacrifice a lot of other advantages for that. I thought maybe hiring an assassin? But I don't know what would stop them from just taking my money and not killing me.

 

[situationalsui]

ADHD meds were the only class of meds that ever helped my depression at all. You may want to seek a second opinion from someone who specializes in ADHD. They will also reduce appetite and definitely help with motivation and focus. If needed, you could always find them from somewhere other than a dr I suppose.
Good luck with your search for methods. It's takes a while to get into looking but it can bring some relief at least in my experience.

 

[Abadoned_Me]

this is easy and pretty painless https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/shallow-water-blackout.101163/

im planning on doing this ctb method next time i go out

 

[ranaway]

wish you can find a way to help yourself.

 

[SexyIncél]

Can't stand the guilt, the self hatered, the emptiness of my life, the loneliness.

Nothing will make me be the kind of person I want.

What are some attributes of the person you want to be?

Maybe get out of your comfort zone, if you have one? Go around, get people's stories, share yours. Get your heart broken by the unnecessary suffering all around you. Combine logic & emotion, find your imagination. Make life chaotic. Try homelessness with 5 bucks in your pocket. Commit crimes against corporations and the powerful, ones so absurd they have no defenses nor surveillance against them. As you do this, send silly crazy things to your gf; don't be concerned if it's "good", fuck that concept

Get a stupendously powerful firearm, and spend a month far from where you live. When stressed, aim the barrel through your mouth, towards the brainstem. Pull the trigger a certain number of times. Make sure you check it's empty each time, if you want death to be intentional

Come back to your old life and see how alien it is

Just a thought and some examples. Don't know if this'll be helpful

My therapist and psychiatrists say it would get better with age, but after like 4 years of serious therapy I don't believe them.

I doubt they offered logical arguments and evidence for such confident claims. They're often magicians with placebo jedi mind tricks, hoping that asserting something will make it real. Spamming you with stuff they learned in school to reproduce a society of normies

 

[StillBreathing]

Great. I'm gonna give up.
I'm trying small steps my whole life and it led to nothing.

So I'm here for tips to ctb.

I have money, but I have limited skills and time when I'm truly alone.

What method is recommended here?
Is there any way to do it and still donate organs? I'm willing to sacrifice a lot of other advantages for that. I thought maybe hiring an assassin? But I don't know what would stop them from just taking my money and not killing me.

I respect your decision. I suggest you look at other threads on the forum. There is a lot of discussions on different methods. I wouldn't involve anyone else in you CTB, it could ruin their life too.

Please do yourself and your loved ones a favor, put a lot of thought into this.

ADHD meds were the only class of meds that ever helped my depression at all. You may want to seek a second opinion from someone who specializes in ADHD. They will also reduce appetite and definitely help with motivation and focus. If needed, you could always find them from somewhere other than a dr I suppose.
Good luck with your search for methods. It's takes a while to get into looking but it can bring some relief at least in my experience.

How did you bring this up to your psychiatrist/therapist? I told her straight up I thought I had ADD and that the depression could be a side effect from that because of my struggles with finishing projects, low attention span etc. I even showed her tests where I scored really high for ADD but I was completely disregarded.

 

[HermitLonerGuy]

this is easy and pretty painless https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/shallow-water-blackout.101163/

im planning on doing this ctb method next time i go out

it is extremely difficult to willingly hold your breath to the point of passing out. The method is good yes but the actual practical application and how hard your body will fight makes it very difficult. If a person can hold their breath to the point of passing out and the body not forcibly doing anything to stop that well then its a rare case.

 

[Abadoned_Me]

it is extremely difficult to willingly hold your breath to the point of passing out. The method is good yes but the actual practical application and how hard your body will fight makes it very difficult. If a person can hold their breath to the point of passing out and the body not forcibly doing anything to stop that well then its a rare case.

i think thats why u hyperventilate first, the body will be tired and already have a lack of oxygen so its less likely to try
plus, if this changes anything, ive heard of like younger people (like 10 - 13 yrs) doing it, so i doubt its super hard or painful
then again, i seek out pain, so maybe thats just me personally thinking it wouldnt be that bad. Who knows

 

[situationalsui]

I respect your decision. I suggest you look at other threads on the forum. There is a lot of discussions on different methods. I wouldn't involve anyone else in you CTB, it could ruin their life too.

Please do yourself and your loved ones a favor, put a lot of thought into this.


How did you bring this up to your psychiatrist/therapist? I told her straight up I thought I had ADD and that the depression could be a side effect from that because of my struggles with finishing projects, low attention span etc. I even showed her tests where I scored really high for ADD but I was completely disregarded.

I respect your decision. I suggest you look at other threads on the forum. There is a lot of discussions on different methods. I wouldn't involve anyone else in you CTB, it could ruin their life too.

Please do yourself and your loved ones a favor, put a lot of thought into this.


How did you bring this up to your psychiatrist/therapist? I told her straight up I thought I had ADD and that the depression could be a side effect from that because of my struggles with finishing projects, low attention span etc. I even showed her tests where I scored really high for ADD but I was completely disregarded.

I'm sorry you were disregarded. I happened to find a psychiatrist who specialized in both bipolar and ADD so I was fortunate. I think you could request an assessment for ADD and then ask for meds. You could also take that assessment to another doctor, especially one who specializes in treating ADD. Good luck!! It sure sounds like those meds might help you and you deserve accurate treatment and diagnosis.

 

[wanttodie]

me to. I want to die every day