I often struggle with if I want to go

[SpinandPainr]

I'm sorry if this is in the wrong thread. Let me know and I will try to fix it somehow. I felt this was borderline. I'm posting here because this isn't really something I feel comfortable sharing with those that know me IRL.

I often struggle with whether I want to go. I find a lot of the stresses that make me suicidal now as an adult are economic. My closet successes have both been after periods of extended job loss.

(I suppose it's worth saying I am American. So a wealthy country with minimal social safety nets. I live in the region of the USA known for minimal social care, low wages, and cute accents. People outside the USA don't know regional differences which is understandable)

So back to that; extended job loss, and continously failing to earn enough to provide for myself. Periods of no heat, little food, asking strangers for tampons. begging and begging. and public losing my shit, as I have poor emotional regulation, enough times that everyone knows. oh god the shame. I impulse quit (not that impulse) by job last Friday and am having a meltdown looking for another. I quit as I could not function from panic attacks. my stomach hurts now and I need to do math. I'm.spiraling as I am falling my math class, have been unable to help myself (anyone want to dm me for college algebra help?) and am scared I will lose financial aid. requires at least a 70. in my head I am a failure. a complete failure. someone with no friends in the area. I have them but miss them... phone calls only do so much.

plus in the past few months I've gotten a bunch of comments on how I talk a lot. sure. I knew that. but it has become evident I am annoying. I feel bad as everyone deserves an opinion and to be comfy and happy. I feel bad because I just wanted to share my joy, not bring down other's day. maybe I shan't care so much but I fail at that too. in my head im just this constant failure.

and I miss dating. I miss being in love. I know nobody wants a broke partner but fuck I miss love. my reason to hold on often is my cats. I miss being partnered. also I don't believe in the concept of a bio clock per se but I get sad. I turn 26 this year. I wanted a kid. the dream of ever affording one eludes me. I would have to also find a trustworthy partner. I wish I still felt pretty; I suppose the bigger issue is that there's no reason to want me, lol. I'm lonely. it's definitely aggravated by the lack of friends I have here. I'm starting to feel that I don't deserve anything good.

my brain is a broken record of insults to myself

and I am a coward. I am afraid to buy the SN. I wanted a beautiful life. I always wanted to go visit germany. silly as it is I keep waiting to pull the plug until I can see. I'm a failure though. for years the thought of a plane ticket motivated me and these days I truly can't believe I can even get that. I can't rely on my own rent or electricity or transport. im a failure. and I can't even really commit to self harm. found the spots for night night but the psychological element. I am working on overcoming it. there's at least one person who knows of my history with breathplay so I think this could be passed off as unintentional. I don't know. that's for reading my aimless rant

 

[Grog]

You're not a failure at all. It just sounds like anxiety has you in a vice grip. And that's okay; it has me in a vice grip too
And I'm very willing to bet that you're not annoying at all! You're just passionate! I am too! And you wanted to share your joy! What could be wrong with that? I love when people have lots and lots to talk about — those are the coolest and most interesting type of people!

Do you go to therapy or take medication for anxiety? If so, does it help much?