Kanau_Nano
Member
- Apr 12, 2026
- 18
Since my last attempt to ctb, I often feel like I'm literally in hell and it scares me a lot. I should not have lived through what I did. That's what makes me believe this. Even the doctors told me they were shocked i was still here. I took a large amount of opiates, benzos, alcohol, muscle relaxers, everything I thought would end it. I started with a small amount and then took a little bit more, then I took everything as fast as I could. I eventually blacked out, but I kept continuing taking anything I thought would end it. I only know this cause some things were missing when I came back that I didn't remember taking. I ended up falling all over the place and wandering outside which is when I got picked up by the ambulance. My pulse was very low according to the hospital papers. I was in a coma for multiple days, and woke up on a ventilator paralyzed, and in intense fear for what felt like forever. I was convinced i was paralyzed for good. I eventually was able to move my hands enough to beg for the ventilator to be removed. It was very very uncomfortable. I was crying a lot. I then got taken to the psych ward awhile later. I had injuries on my face from falling, and my voice and throat were in bad shape, but thankfully they healed well. No one came to visit me except my parent. They told me if I ever really ctb they would too. So now I feel trapped. I also feel so guilty for what I put my family through.
A few months later I developed stomach issues and intense migraines. My anxiety and mental problems are still just as bad, and I can't do anything to help myself. I did my best to improve my life to try and be happy, but nothing works. I just wait for my sick parent to die so I can ctb. I will attempt a method that is almost 100% sure to work. I'm scared that I still won't ctb successfully and I will be completely paralyzed. Stuck in my suffering. If this really is hell I'm sure it will happen. I will still try. I just can't take it anymore. I am truly sick, and i hate myself.
Has anyone else experienced feeling like they were living in hell? Does it go away for good?
I'm glad sometimes I feel like life is just life and not some twisted torture. I told my therapist about this and they said if life is hell why do good things happen? To try and give me hope before it's crushed it seems.
A few months later I developed stomach issues and intense migraines. My anxiety and mental problems are still just as bad, and I can't do anything to help myself. I did my best to improve my life to try and be happy, but nothing works. I just wait for my sick parent to die so I can ctb. I will attempt a method that is almost 100% sure to work. I'm scared that I still won't ctb successfully and I will be completely paralyzed. Stuck in my suffering. If this really is hell I'm sure it will happen. I will still try. I just can't take it anymore. I am truly sick, and i hate myself.
Has anyone else experienced feeling like they were living in hell? Does it go away for good?
I'm glad sometimes I feel like life is just life and not some twisted torture. I told my therapist about this and they said if life is hell why do good things happen? To try and give me hope before it's crushed it seems.
