I never cared about hurting someone emotionally by ending my life, now I do and I don't know how to fix it

[Jacquelyn]

I never cared too much about the possibility of emotionally harming my friends/family... Until recenty.

I've been dating this girl for almost a year. I love her a lot and I moved in with her. She got me a job where she works and we seemed to be doing great for a while.
Well I got fired and lost the job in (almost) the same way I lose all my jobs: overwhelming stress that leads to an emotional breakdown where I quit on the spot.
That happened a couple months ago, after that I had a seizure from benzodiazepine withdrawal while visiting my mother in a different state. I woke up in the hospital and was sent to a psychiatric facility to detox. A few weeks later I blew all my money to buy a plane ticket to get away from my mother and back to my girlfriend.
Now here I am, no money, no will to get another job, and very little motivation to do anything except eat, do drugs, or look at my phone.

I told my girlfriend myself that I don't have anything to offer her and don't want to be a leech. She seems to not care about any of that and believes our love is more important than me being a provider.

I don't want to hurt her by ending my life. I have no idea what I'd say in my suicide note. I know how much it would hurt her. It scares me. But I'm in pain. I don't want to put in any effort. I'm in pain both physically and mentally and I've barely started my adult life. I don't want to keep doing this.

With that being said, I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to leave her either. I hate this so much. I love her to death, but sometimes I wish I would've died before I met her. I'd imagine we would both be way happier.

What do I do about this? I'm sure people have ran into similar problems plenty of times, but I'm lost here. I think about it every day and the worrying about how she would react to my death kills me. Ideas?

 

[FuneralCry]

My note will attempt to act as closure for those left behind, I will say things like there is nothing you could have done, and now I am at peace. It means they will not be left with unanswered questions. It sounds like a difficult situation you are in, but of course we have the right to exit at a time of our own choosing, it is our life, our decision, but I know it is hard when we are leaving others behind. Personally, I couldn't suffer for the sake of others. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[pento]

I'm in a very similar position to you. Have a loving bf who would be crushed if I committed suicide, particularly without significant advanced warning. But working menial jobs for poverty wages is something I absolutely refuse to do. So I created a contract with society.

In your case, I think it depends on if your gf knows you're suicidal or not. You said she doesn't care if you are a provider, and if she said that despite not knowing you're suicidal, then staying alive is potentially an even better option. Imagine two parallel futures:
1. You kill yourself, she is heartbroken, maybe she'll get over it quickly, maybe not.
2. You don't kill yourself. Even if you just passively exist, staying in her life, you mean a lot to her.

I like to think of the 2nd option, depending on your level of depression, as either "chilling indefinitely" or "living corpse". If you believe you can handle just chilling and existing, then I implore you to strongly consider this option. But if you feel you would spiral out of control and legitimately can't handle being alive a second longer, then it would be immoral to deprive you of your right to exit peacefully.

 

[motel rooms]

If you believe you can handle just chilling and existing, then I implore you to strongly consider this option.

I'm in pain both physically and mentally and I've barely started my adult life. I don't want to keep doing this.