Venting I need to vent about this

[RavenSorrow]

This is my first time writing myself here and not just reading through what other people have written.
I feel realy lost at the moment. Im dealing knowingly with mental health problems since i was 16 but have them since i was even younger. i would say it all started when i was 4 when my parents were arguing a lot and i tried to suffocate myself because they were arguing about me. ofc as a 4 year old you dont have the knowledge of doing it in the best way without anyone noticing. so my SI kicked in everytime i was close to getting a feeling of losing conciousness. anyway from there on everytime when stuff went bad i basicaly had thoughts of dying. I had a lot of those in my youth because of my brother using me as a punching bag everytime he felt bad about something. Sometimes he only punched himself but a lot of those punches were meant for me. Since that happend to me while i was young i kinda copied that behaviour and now im not only thinking of dying but also punch, bite and kick myself till everything hurts when something bad happens. This could have been the mildest inconvenience at the wrong moment or just because i felt like i should punish myself because im alive and ruining everyones life. im pretty sure just by typing here im already ruining lives again somehow. i continued living that way till i was 16 where i had a total breakdown in school, which made me only able to mumble and stutter about that i want to ctb and how i cant deal with life anymore. Form there i tried therapy till i was nearly 18 but everything just went more and more downhill. My thoughts played like a movie that i cant turn off in front of my eyes. everywhere i went i saw people or myself ctb
a lot of people tried to tell me that wanting to ctb is bad and that i should try everything first before i do it, So i went into a psychiatry and stayed there for like 4 Months but didnt really help. With 18 i had one lucky accident. My appendix was bursting. If i wouldnt have gone to the hospital to check on whats causing the pain in my stommach then i could have died and everyone would have been guilt free. All i had to do was, just not telling about the pain i felt. But well i did. And now im paying the consequences. I met a lot of new people online. People that are better without me. People that would have a better life if they would have never known me since if im ever able to ctb somehow they would maybe feel pain even though they haven talked to me in months. i doubt they even know that i still exist. maybe they are also hoping for me that i do it.
Im 22 now. im in a relationship. And i dont know who i should believe now. My girlfriend is saying that im not showing her enough love and that im dragging her down with me. She is saying that when im talking to her most of the times im making no sense and that i would think that i am smarter than i actually am. We are in a long distance relationship since we met online and i rarely go outside except for going to my education. So times are already hard since we cant actually do something together except sitting in a discord call and not talk to each other since no one has something to talk about and playing video games togehter is difficult when she has connection problems. But even then its like i dont know what to talk about. Everytime my girlfriend gives me one of her big talks about how bad of a boyfriend i am and how im making her feel like she is Shit is making me want to ctb so bad. but i cant. even though right now would be the best time. i could just go, take the rope that i prepared 3 years ago with me and hang myself at night since my mom isnt home and my brother doesnt care anyway. He even wants me dead if i can believe his empty threats when i tried to resist his beatings, by punching back.
I cant ctb or else my dad will feel bad. I lost my grandparents (his parents) both died like 2 years apart with my grandpa being the most recent one and now he is on his own completelly. he is as alone as i am and he was already saying that he hopes that no one else is dying next. i feel like i would just be an asshole if i ctb right now.
My girlfriend gave me one final chance to make the relatinship work and i feel like im going to blow my chance with her and that i have no choice but to ctb. Since the relationship was my hail marry attempt to get into a life thats maybe worth living.
I probably sound so dellusional. I hate myself so much. why couldnt i just shut up about my appendix. I could have saved myself and others from so many problems that i caused but i didnt and it sucks.
Im sorry for everyone that is reading this. Since my story isnt even like close to what happend to other people on this side but it still affects me so i wanted to just vent it out. like i said im sorry.

 

[FuneralCry]

You don't really have to apologise for venting, just because other people's existences might have been more horrible, doesn't mean that you aren't suffering. Venting about wanting to die isn't a privilege only reserved for certain people.

 

[TraumaEscapee:)]

Don't apologise for venting. Keeping things bottled up isn't healthy. You need to let things out like you have done so people can help you in some way, even if it's just advice. You are important and that's why people have taken the time to read your thread. You are worthy don't you ever forget that =)

From what I can see you have had a really tough time and I want to say that I am sorry for that, you didn't deserve to be a victim of domestic violence. It sounds like your girlfriend has noticed a change in you and wants things to go back to how they were? However, if she's not supporting you to get any help then is she really a good girlfriend? People who love and care about you will go out of their way to help you, people who don't care about you or love you won't help you at all. I'm hearing that you have struggled for quite a long time with your emotions? Am I right? Please remember people will listen to you and there are people who will care about you and there are people who will help you. Keep venting. I'm all ears and the lady above who's commented is lovely she's very supportive towards everyone. Feel free to message us if you want to. I won't be here for too much longer. I only have a few weeks left. I'm 22 years old too. Be strong =)

 

[The anhedonic one]

Vent away my friend, venting is good. I love hearing people venting. A good rant does you good.

Long- distance relationships are known to be difficult. And if you're girlfriend isn't supportive then it's going to put even more pressure on you.
And even worse is the fact that she gave you an ultimatum, to make the relationship work.
What are you expected to do here when you've done nothing wrong ?
So sorry you are going through this.

 

[ZM4ever]

Im sorry for everyone that is reading this. Since my story isnt even like close to what happend to other people on this side but it still affects me so i wanted to just vent it out. like i said im sorry.

As others said already, venting is fine. We all need to vent sooner or later.
Actually my situation is similar to yours in some ways, my father died recently by heartattack while I was helping him one afternoon.
My mother has copd and although my desire is to end my life, I promised her I wouldn't and really, she needs my help.
She lives alone and her health is getting worse. Her mother died recently too... it's just too much.
I'm in love with a younger woman, she loves me but there's no future for us and we both know it though we still talk and spend time together.
When my mother dies, I'm ready to go. I won't waste time dwelling on it.

 

[RavenSorrow]

This is going to be Part 2 now
I just had a discussion with my girlfriend like not even 10 minutes ago, about if mermaids in the way that they are shown in tv and some videos that she send me could be real or not. This discussion went on for like 2 hours on discord. In these 2 hours ive been called delusional around 20 times, crazy 15 times and 10 times an idiot because i tried to explain with my knowledge about aquatic mamals how it would be very unlikely for mamals to exist as they are shown. It was a very dumb discussion because she didnt want to hear my argument but i listend to hers and we were circling through the whole discussion because i constantly had to repeat my argument since it would prove my point and give a base for my point of view. It was very demeaning to be called delusional the whole time. And up too a certain point it was making me aggressive because im constantly getting the feeling of like my knowledge doesnt matter no matter what i say if i dont agree with her it doesnt matter. I wasnt even trying to be right at one point. I was only trying to show her that im not delusional. I was trying to calm down and try to settle peace because this whole discussion was going to be a probably relationship destroying discussion if it would have went on for a while longer. Idk if i should have just let it end there. I still feel like i should have just let her shoot her entire load of demeaning words at me just so that i could counter with breaking up, so that there would be a logical consequence to her behaviour, but i guess im really delusional. Delusional about how i think that its a better idea to be with her of all people than fcking dead. I cant deal with it. Why am i getting blamed for everything that is going wrong. When i call her toxic because she is constantly demeaning me by calling me delusional and crazy for trying to make my point clear just trying to be heard and or call her toxic because she wanted to force me in to very umcomfortable situations even though i told her that these are uncomfortable for me, just because she wanted to and is also just deciding things just because she wants to like it would be nothing. for example. after 3 months of relationship she already was planning to have children with me and wanted to marry me buying a ring, pushing me to go into a store to get my ring size and then surprising me on new years with the ring with the relationship going 5 months at that time, while i had my doubts about it but the low self confident person that i am i couldnt say no. Because otherwise she would have cried in front of me while staying overnight for like 6 more days. She wants kids. i dont. Its still an argument we have to solve, because its a fundamental thing for this relationship. The only saying that i have in this argument is, either i agree or she is still getting her kid and i just dont have any custodiy and responsibility for it while still living together since the plan would be to live together normally. so i would still lose because i would still probably be either the father figure or the absent father figure. even if she wants to adopt it would still be like that making me trapped. In her mind it is resolved but in my point of view there is no compromise in kids or no kids. you cant have half a kid without an barbaric prozess that would half a kid, making one half of the kid dead and the other half with a lot of medical care maybe alive. by pointing out that im feeling like im not getting heard and therefore being told to go suck cok i called her behavior toxic. i tried to explain it to her why it seems toxic to me and this also makes me dellusional since i would just project my toxic behaviour on to her. i didnt know that trying to have healthy boundaries while also trying to change my way of thinking for her so that im not "dragging her down" and trying to adapt to her negative criticism by changing the bad stuff and turning it good, was considered projecting being toxic. A lot of people told me to break up from here since she is making me feel uncomfortable in a lot of ways. These People are for example my mom, who used to scream at me, for getting bad grades and belitteling me for mediocre ones while not helping me to get better or showing me any love or affection. My former best friend that has so far only one friend me so he has maybe not the best knowledge about relationships, even though i think he would know his boundaries i guess so maybe i should listen to him. My ex girlfriend that i have been to a the cure concert recently (november, ok not recently but it doesnt feel so long ago) that was also telling me to be careful and cautious and that if my girlfriend should ever dare to hurt me that she would beat her up if she has to. its only 3 people that told me that directly. accoriding to my mom, my grandparents, my father and friends of the family are worrying. Meanwhile i just feel trapped inbetween two bad places. At home im going mad. Because im constantly sitting alone in my room, being a slave and toy to my thoughts about Ctb. But at her place i have no free time for myself and am basicly a slave for my girlfriend for cuddles, hugs , and kisses. Which when used to much are very uncomfortable to me since im not used to them. Any dream or wish that i have for my own would be gone leaving me soulless since only her wishes count since im dellusional and crazy and if i would say something else that i would have to go to suck cok. I am not allowed to speech otherwise we would argue since we cant agree on anything. humans having different views? What? How is that possible? I thought humans all have the same opinion? (i hope the sarcasm was obvious otherwise here the remark) And so i have to decide between if i want to stay at my moms place risking it to go complettly bananas, maybe doing a ctb in like idk 3 years depending on how many of the the pets at home die since their age is going to be really close to the dying age (dog, 14 ,cat ,16) and if they are dying how they die since i cant deal with another thrombosis death from my cats since that would be the third time. (the last time was very traumatizing for me. ) so deciding between my mom and her place where i would probably survive for like a week and then we get into an argument because i would try stand my ground and not getting constantly pushed around. because of that i would probably get thrown out. endung up homeless and then i would probably just ctb in like a week after that. idk what im doing with my life honestly. like why am i still alive. i should have ctb 4 years ago and i still should do it since my only chances of relationship are either leaving me after 2 months or are so disregarding of my needs that i could kill myself and the only way they would notice it is that my body is feeling cold for multiple days in a row.
Just to be fair for my girlfriend since i kind only represented her bad sides. she also tries to help me with letting go of my traumas and all the blame that im putting on my family, surroundings, myself and stuff, so that i can "heal". Yeah thats all.
Thanks for reading this garbage and yeah thanks for answering.

 

[The anhedonic one]

So sorry

This is going to be Part 2 now
I just had a discussion with my girlfriend like not even 10 minutes ago, about if mermaids in the way that they are shown in tv and some videos that she send me could be real or not. This discussion went on for like 2 hours on discord. In these 2 hours ive been called delusional around 20 times, crazy 15 times and 10 times an idiot because i tried to explain with my knowledge about aquatic mamals how it would be very unlikely for mamals to exist as they are shown. It was a very dumb discussion because she didnt want to hear my argument but i listend to hers and we were circling through the whole discussion because i constantly had to repeat my argument since it would prove my point and give a base for my point of view. It was very demeaning to be called delusional the whole time. And up too a certain point it was making me aggressive because im constantly getting the feeling of like my knowledge doesnt matter no matter what i say if i dont agree with her it doesnt matter. I wasnt even trying to be right at one point. I was only trying to show her that im not delusional. I was trying to calm down and try to settle peace because this whole discussion was going to be a probably relationship destroying discussion if it would have went on for a while longer. Idk if i should have just let it end there. I still feel like i should have just let her shoot her entire load of demeaning words at me just so that i could counter with breaking up, so that there would be a logical consequence to her behaviour, but i guess im really delusional. Delusional about how i think that its a better idea to be with her of all people than fcking dead. I cant deal with it. Why am i getting blamed for everything that is going wrong. When i call her toxic because she is constantly demeaning me by calling me delusional and crazy for trying to make my point clear just trying to be heard and or call her toxic because she wanted to force me in to very umcomfortable situations even though i told her that these are uncomfortable for me, just because she wanted to and is also just deciding things just because she wants to like it would be nothing. for example. after 3 months of relationship she already was planning to have children with me and wanted to marry me buying a ring, pushing me to go into a store to get my ring size and then surprising me on new years with the ring with the relationship going 5 months at that time, while i had my doubts about it but the low self confident person that i am i couldnt say no. Because otherwise she would have cried in front of me while staying overnight for like 6 more days. She wants kids. i dont. Its still an argument we have to solve, because its a fundamental thing for this relationship. The only saying that i have in this argument is, either i agree or she is still getting her kid and i just dont have any custodiy and responsibility for it while still living together since the plan would be to live together normally. so i would still lose because i would still probably be either the father figure or the absent father figure. even if she wants to adopt it would still be like that making me trapped. In her mind it is resolved but in my point of view there is no compromise in kids or no kids. you cant have half a kid without an barbaric prozess that would half a kid, making one half of the kid dead and the other half with a lot of medical care maybe alive. by pointing out that im feeling like im not getting heard and therefore being told to go suck cok i called her behavior toxic. i tried to explain it to her why it seems toxic to me and this also makes me dellusional since i would just project my toxic behaviour on to her. i didnt know that trying to have healthy boundaries while also trying to change my way of thinking for her so that im not "dragging her down" and trying to adapt to her negative criticism by changing the bad stuff and turning it good, was considered projecting being toxic. A lot of people told me to break up from here since she is making me feel uncomfortable in a lot of ways. These People are for example my mom, who used to scream at me, for getting bad grades and belitteling me for mediocre ones while not helping me to get better or showing me any love or affection. My former best friend that has so far only one friend me so he has maybe not the best knowledge about relationships, even though i think he would know his boundaries i guess so maybe i should listen to him. My ex girlfriend that i have been to a the cure concert recently (november, ok not recently but it doesnt feel so long ago) that was also telling me to be careful and cautious and that if my girlfriend should ever dare to hurt me that she would beat her up if she has to. its only 3 people that told me that directly. accoriding to my mom, my grandparents, my father and friends of the family are worrying. Meanwhile i just feel trapped inbetween two bad places. At home im going mad. Because im constantly sitting alone in my room, being a slave and toy to my thoughts about Ctb. But at her place i have no free time for myself and am basicly a slave for my girlfriend for cuddles, hugs , and kisses. Which when used to much are very uncomfortable to me since im not used to them. Any dream or wish that i have for my own would be gone leaving me soulless since only her wishes count since im dellusional and crazy and if i would say something else that i would have to go to suck cok. I am not allowed to speech otherwise we would argue since we cant agree on anything. humans having different views? What? How is that possible? I thought humans all have the same opinion? (i hope the sarcasm was obvious otherwise here the remark) And so i have to decide between if i want to stay at my moms place risking it to go complettly bananas, maybe doing a ctb in like idk 3 years depending on how many of the the pets at home die since their age is going to be really close to the dying age (dog, 14 ,cat ,16) and if they are dying how they die since i cant deal with another thrombosis death from my cats since that would be the third time. (the last time was very traumatizing for me. ) so deciding between my mom and her place where i would probably survive for like a week and then we get into an argument because i would try stand my ground and not getting constantly pushed around. because of that i would probably get thrown out. endung up homeless and then i would probably just ctb in like a week after that. idk what im doing with my life honestly. like why am i still alive. i should have ctb 4 years ago and i still should do it since my only chances of relationship are either leaving me after 2 months or are so disregarding of my needs that i could kill myself and the only way they would notice it is that my body is feeling cold for multiple days in a row.
Just to be fair for my girlfriend since i kind only represented her bad sides. she also tries to help me with letting go of my traumas and all the blame that im putting on my family, surroundings, myself and stuff, so that i can "heal". Yeah thats all.
Thanks for reading this garbage and yeah thanks for answering.

So sorry you are going through this.
I have been through similar experiences.
I find relationship's incredibly difficult to navigate, and stressful.
My last gf would regularly invalidate my feelings, and demean me in various ways, despite the fact that I loved Her dearly.
Love is beautiful, yet brutal all at the time.

 

[RavenSorrow]

part 3
again about my relationship. I was just sitting in a discord call with my girlfriend and were sending each other memes, some of them wholesome and some just trying to be funny. Then she made a reminder of the discussion and send me a video about a guy talking about a story about a donkey and a tiger that argue about if the grass was green or blue. The donkey being the one who just wants to be right and the tiger that is having to deal with an idiot. She then also said that she is not discussing anything more with me because im the donkey. Since i would never bring facts and that i would always think that im so much smarter. Not only was that extremly rude it kinda hurt me to see that she thinks of me as an asshole and that basicaly everything that i say to her is wrong in her opinion. Like why am i in this relationship if she
1. Doesnt need me
2. Doesnt value my opinion
3. Thinks of me like an asshole / or as an extremly negative person that she would otherwise never be around with
4. Thinks that im always starting arguments
5. is only with me because she thinks she loves me but acts like im a delusional Crazy person that needs to be locked up to not spread my insanity
Basicaly every argument and conflict can only be avoided by just staying silent or not be in a call with her otherwise u always find yourself in an argument with her because she thinks she knows it better.
To the question what she would have felt or thought if i would have send her the video about donkeys and tigers with the same exact words as she has used (basicaly if she can empathize with me) she only said that she would have accepted it. As if. She would have started another discussion propably just to show me that i would be a donkey. Even though in the beginning of the relationship i was literally saying if im wrong and you can prove to me that i am wrong i will accept it because thats how its supposed to be. if you are saying something explain the though process behind it so people can somehow understand where you are coming from and follow your train of thought. This makes it easier to understand what the person is saying and therefore if you can agree or not. If you can agree Yay. we have an agreement. If we dont agree then explain why and put me through your thought process so that i can undestand why and what you are thinking and see why you reached that conclusion. If we have an agreement then yay. If not then congratulations we are humans with different oppinions and now we can either ask more questions about the opinion of the other as in like why they didnt come to this conclusion instead of that and so on or we can just move on since everything that has been needed to be said has been said. But no instead i always have a discussion somehow where people think that they have the absolute point of being right and that if i dont agree with them that i must be an idiot, delusional crazy man. Just to show how rude it is to do somehthing like that here a well know example.
Im an atheist because of my experience with religion and learning stuff from my history lessons mainly about christianity and that they basicly scammed people to get money and taxes with the sale of indulgences. From this and my family history i believe that there is no god. this is my personal believe. no one has to agree with me. some would think im wrong some would think im right and everyone has their reasons for it. It would now be complettly rude and isensitive if i go around in the world and claim that my opinion, my believe, my religion is the only one thats true/right and that everyone else would be an idiot, delusional crazy man.
Even if i would be able to prove something that helped me to came to my thoughts other people can interpret them different who am i to say that my interpretation of data is the only right one. I can only state how i interpret things and not that my view is the only right one. so forcing my views on someone would just be disgusting for me / a total turn off. I wish i could have discussions that are calm, respectful, non judgemental and open minded. But well i guess this kind of thinking is delusional, crazy idiot talk. or it would be in the opinion of my girlfriend since im such a delusional crazy person.
I think my girlfriend cant name one thing she likes of me. It cant be my personality since she is completly hating me when i express myself. So my looks and yeah nothing else probably mostly my looks. even though i look like shit. And what do i love about her? Lets see. She is ,even though she is kinda making me hate life more than i do when talking to my family, showing me more affection then my family ever did in the 22 years that i am alive. Her looks are okay, she is not looking like goofy so its alright and she is not talking like goofy so thats alright too. Do i like her music taste? no. I dont like kpop. Do i like her humor? If the humor only consists on calling other people rude while being rude herself and telling other people to suck cok then no i dont like it. Making one situational pervy joke is fine if the situation is allowing it or if it can be considered flirting like idk playing league of legends together and then in one situation you can fill that joke in and it would be funny and people laugh. That is okay. Not every 10 Minutes or when someone is saying something you dont agree with. Its just annoying. If the pervy joke wasnt ok then it can always be discussed to prevent it in the future but i guess that will be impossible since im so delusional and crazy.
So why am i still with her? Well she was kinda my only hope of somehow finding some value in my life but since its probably not going to work out since im not able to keep up with how i should think, behave and talk in her opinion, i feel like ctb is the best way to just not have to deal with anything anymore. Like. Is it too much that im asking for being treated respectfully by others when i treat them respectfuly myself and just try my best to find a way to contribute something to society while asking to maintain a certain life style that allows me to sit in front of my pc after a day of work and just enjoying a good game or some music? Like is that so much? I dont ask for cruises around the world and living like a king. im asking for Life that is not making me wanna die the longer i live it. Like i dont even have to sit in front of my pc all day long after work just give me something that makes it at least worth for me like idk cooking something with friends, watching movies with friends, playing board and card games with friends and so on. Like something that makes me say yes thats making me wanna live instead of on bs after the other. that is just making me anticipate it. since the next bs is just waiting around the corner to get me. Trying to just make me hate life so much, that im finding the strength to try to cbt again. (my last time was 4 years ago)
So yeah my 3rd vent in like 8 days that im now here. I feel like i could vent all the time. since there is always something that is just making me want to die since i've bottled up a lot of emotions and they kinda have no other way to go expect in here or pain on my body.