Venting I NEED TO DO SOMETHING, IM GOING CRAZY FROM DOING NOTHING

[myfinalform]

As the title says im going crazy im scared that i will ask to be put in a mental hospital again (we cant have phones there) so i will be worst than i am if i go. But i cant stand anymore, i dont know what to do, my mom today asked me to choose a course for february 2023 but its 5 months away, its too damn long time to pass, i thinking in starting to do some walking to lose weight but its to little, i need something that will fill my mind from this boredom, how can i survive this, if boredom killed i was plain dead already, i dont have anymore to draw, to listen, to create, to see, i already did everything in my possibilites to pass the time. just to wonder that i will have probably more 55+ years to live this life give me chills, i cant kill myself i dont have resources, only benzos which is nothing, jumping of a bridge, building or entering in front of a truck im not that brave AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA i wish i was never born if a knew my life would turn out like this, no friends in real life, i dont know the point of this thread cause nothing will change anyway gonna put some song for you to hear and forget i say something because doesnt matter anyway

 

[[HNO]]

occupy day schedule with self improvement (reading, exercising, obtaining skills, exercising discipline)
as example i locked in home and i think im not belong to social collectives anymore so ill never visit courses or school. i do this to be prepared for wageslaving and renting apartments or something to off myself ofc

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds awful what you are going through. Existing really can be torture. I also find the thought of enduring this life for many more decades to be horrible, it's what makes the thought of non existence sound so appealing. The life expectancy is far too long. I wish you relief.