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New Member
May 26, 2024
My life has been the constant thorn in my side. I don't think people understand any of the pain I've gone through. I need someone to hear my story before being unable to tell someone when I CTB.

I was doomed from conception to a couple of parents who decided to separate in utero. I guess I was disowned from birth, my mother telling me my father never really accepted me like my brother. Because I was "too light" to be his.

My mom catered to a brother with autism and so, grandma and I were best friends. Until my cousin came along. She was the one that my grandmother held higher than most grandchildren. There was talk of adopting her. I was put aside.

Combine this with A DECADE of abuse and events that were disturbing. I'm talking about my mom drugging my brother. I'm talking about watching someone die and hearing someone die and cry for mercy. I'm talking about severe bullying and humiliation. I'm talking about more than one occasion.

The first incident was 3. I watched my uncle die in his hospital bed when I was a damn toddler. I remember my grandfather going to chemo... I was 3 when I remember nurses took me away so I didn't see it all. My dad was the physical abuser in my life (giving me a scar) and brother took suit.

The bullying started at 5 with Ashley and Mark. I use these names because they're common, so... It's not much of a landmark.(Besides, if they were, I would be smart enough to change names, dear reader.) It was because of a hearing issue. I had been labeled as "slow" because of my deafness, and it was corrected. Still... That label was enough for a classmate to pick up on it.

School from 1st grade to 3rd grade were fine. Then I was labeled as "slow" again, due to hearing loss. I was taken out of that class to have the surgery.

I was taught how to self-harm in 7th grade, and did so in 9th. It quickly became an addiction. 100+ cuts everywhere.

I entered recovery, found out my diagnosis just to be told to CTB by others. I only lived because of my psychotic episodes convincing me to live.

So far, I've watched about 3 or 4 people die due to medical ailments. The longest lasted for a month's time. I've had people CTB on their own accord. I thought medicine makes things better, but it never is. I'm in an abusive relationship. I'm slowly becoming an alcoholic. Everyone is cutting themselves off from me due to my mental diagnosis.

I think I just am going to CTB myself. I can't picture going any other way.
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Reactions: blurred, DefinitelyReady, coralreef and 10 others


Just wanting some peace
Sep 24, 2020
I'm sorry you've had to suffer so much in this cruel existence, it must be really dreadful what you've been through. But anyway best wishes.


We fly and fly but never reach our destination.
Oct 7, 2020
Your story doesn't sound very pleasant, indeed. I wish you all the strength and luck to watch your life become a better one - one way or the other.


Jul 3, 2019
I'm sorry. I believe you. It is so unfair to start life with suffering and then it just carries on and there is more of it.

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