Help I need serious help.

[Anxieyote]

I called into work again, you guys.

I already called in for a false Covid scare (1 week off) and a stay at the mental hospital (1 week off).

If I keep calling in, I'm going to lose my job. And along with it, my last chance to complete school without going into debt (my job offers a full-ride scholarship).

This isn't ok, and it will probably make my life worse. I can't afford to lose any more opportunities or advantages. I'm almost 30 years old with just an associate's degree and no experience outside of retail. I didn't expect to be wage-slaving this long, and it's taken its toll. I hate my life.

The reason I called into work today was because I am experiencing severe suicidal ideation. I couldn't imagine working in an environment where I'm supposed to be a happy ray of sunshine when I'm in this state.

When I do this, I'm being a burden to my coworkers and managers. Losing just one person during a shift can make things hell for the rest of the staff when you work in a restaurant.

But I had to. Going into a shift on the verge of tears wouldn't be good, and I'm in the mental breakdown zone.

I have two days off now, and I want to make the most of it. I know you guys are people who are struggling just like me, but I want to at least talk about things with someone who will listen. I spend most days isolating in my apartment playing videogames by myself, but I'm going to need to talk to people if I want to get better.

I talked to a nice person on Discord last night who distracted me with a board game, but a deeper discussion wasn't possible with them since they weren't comfortable with the subject of suicide. Most normies I speak to respond with distractions like, "let's watch a movie!" which is better than nothing, but if I keep running away from how I feel inside, I will be dead soon.

 

[rationaltake]

I understand how difficult this is. Just wondering if there is even one person you can talk to?

And you really don't sound fit for work at the moment. Take care

 

[Anxieyote]

I understand how difficult this is. Just wondering if there is even one person you can talk to?

I have a therapist who I only get 30-minute sessions with every couple months or so. He's booked so heavily that I can't get in to see him very often.

Aside from that, I only feel comfortable talking to my ex (he broke off contact about a year ago), and some randos on Discord who will listen to me, but have no idea what to say or how to help.

This forum is my best bet at the current moment. My social anxiety doesn't flare up as much when talking to people here because I know that personal judgments aren't as harsh as they would be in a normal setting.

 

[rationaltake]

Ok. Is there any possibility of an emergency appointment with your therapist? I get the impression you really want to sort things which is good.

 

[Anxieyote]

Ok. Is there any possibility of an emergency appointment with your therapist? I get the impression you really want to sort things which is good.

Possibly. He needs to talk to me for multiple hours though and dissect my entire life so he can help me, and I don't think he will do that. There's a lot of heavy emotions I need to spill out so that I can finally move on.

I'm tired of spending hours on this forum ruminating, and then having to go out in public and interact with people like a regular person when my mind is lit up in flames. I am clawing at the sides of this hole I'm in like, "Let me out! Let me out! Let me out!"

 

[rationaltake]

Possibly. He needs to talk to me for multiple hours though and dissect my entire life so he can help me, and I don't think he will do that. There's a lot of heavy emotions I need to spill out so that I can finally move on.

I'm tired of spending hours on this forum ruminating, and then having to go out in public and interact with people like a regular person when my mind is lit up in flames. I am clawing at the sides of this hole I'm in like, "Let me out! Let me out! Let me out!"

I get it. Appearance and reality are far apart.

You sound like you feel trapped but you know what you need and are prepared to work at it. Have you asked your therapist if he can help you in the way you need? If not could you find a different therapist who can go into things with you?

 

[thefoodispoison]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've had issues with with attendance lately too and it's scaring me. Are you eligible to apply for intermittent FMLA?

 

[Anxieyote]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've had issues with with attendance lately too and it's scaring me. Are you eligible to apply for intermittent FMLA?

I looked it up, and I don't qualify unfortunately. I haven't worked there long enough. I may have to come to terms with the fact that I need to quit. The job and the people I work with make me want to die. Going on a job hunt again wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. And I have enough money to survive on for several months.

 

[dospi1]

You can dm nay time mate, we can exchange discords if u want pls do it (:

 

[LADY007]

I called into work again, you guys.

I already called in for a false Covid scare (1 week off) and a stay at the mental hospital (1 week off).

If I keep calling in, I'm going to lose my job. And along with it, my last chance to complete school without going into debt (my job offers a full-ride scholarship).

This isn't ok, and it will probably make my life worse. I can't afford to lose any more opportunities or advantages. I'm almost 30 years old with just an associate's degree and no experience outside of retail. I didn't expect to be wage-slaving this long, and it's taken its toll. I hate my life.

The reason I called into work today was because I am experiencing severe suicidal ideation. I couldn't imagine working in an environment where I'm supposed to be a happy ray of sunshine when I'm in this state.

When I do this, I'm being a burden to my coworkers and managers. Losing just one person during a shift can make things hell for the rest of the staff when you work in a restaurant.

But I had to. Going into a shift on the verge of tears wouldn't be good, and I'm in the mental breakdown zone.

I have two days off now, and I want to make the most of it. I know you guys are people who are struggling just like me, but I want to at least talk about things with someone who will listen. I spend most days isolating in my apartment playing videogames by myself, but I'm going to need to talk to people if I want to get better.

I talked to a nice person on Discord last night who distracted me with a board game, but a deeper discussion wasn't possible with them since they weren't comfortable with the subject of suicide. Most normies I speak to respond with distractions like, "let's watch a movie!" which is better than nothing, but if I keep running away from how I feel inside, I will be dead soon.

Have a good, hard cry!!.. put your head in the pillow and let it all out. At least, it will get the tension out of your body. Sending hugs!

 

[PTSDPigeon]

I have a therapist who I only get 30-minute sessions with every couple months or so. He's booked so heavily that I can't get in to see him very often.

Aside from that, I only feel comfortable talking to my ex (he broke off contact about a year ago), and some randos on Discord who will listen to me, but have no idea what to say or how to help.

This forum is my best bet at the current moment. My social anxiety doesn't flare up as much when talking to people here because I know that personal judgments aren't as harsh as they would be in a normal setting.

I recommend talking to someone homeless - sometimes that helps. I lived in a shelter for a while. i saved up money so I COULD PROVIDE FOR MYSELF without church intervention or domination by men. I then put 2 years into school and certification and lived off of my savings. I've determined that if I eventually HAVE to go back to one, it won't be that bad.

I was employed full-time by a gov't organization (M-F) and also worked weekends at a grocery store and served in a busy restaurant. I busied myself 7 days a week in order to stay away from lonliness, isolation in my studio apartment.

Being homeless helped me. It gave me a reason to "not want to go home" while putting pressure on me to save funds, stay occupied and avoid space to myself where I tend to go off tangent.

I had side effects from suicide / PTSD all of the time and either quit or was termed. I've worked for corporate offices, restaurants, small biz's .. you name it. Some good, some bad. Because you had a bad day, It doesn't mean you're PERMANENTLY NOT A GOOD FIT FOR THE WORKFORCE and anyone who tells you that is RUDE and OPPRESSIVE.

I don't have chat options on my account, yet.

Just hang in there and it sounds like you're trying.

Why not go find a bum on a park bench and buy he / she some soup and a tea? I've sat near them in my hammock at a park just to stay away from "normal" people even after being housed for 1.5/yr.

I found remote work a few days ago and am starting PT for another biz in some more office work. Non-corporate, hoping the element is peaceful. My employer learned a lot of depressing stuff about me on my interview.

I blew up on the bus and and a bus stop about "women having rights" and corporate and religious BS which set me off into my most recent depress mode. My mind was racing about "coming to work submissive" "respectful relig. women, only". I'd studied, certified, have already been hired in the field and was a good fit. Whether it's real or not (I've experienced multiple times that this is REAL), I was set off into suicide mode. i've walked away from multiple interviews recently afraid of the FLAG/ARMY/GOD look of the business. Came dressed in a suit or other business attire and fled - at least 3-4 times last month. Culturally, I'm awkward and have suicide and woman problems and feel black-sheeped.

Very hard time to go through.

My suggestions sound "canned" but they work for me.

Don't give up! You can do it!
you might consider a part-time job working with depressed people - mentally ill people. A lot of people who are "different' do well working in mental-health fields, i worked at a law school once (project work) where a "regular old" law student had to be coaxed off of the upper floor who wanted to jump. My brother is going to medical school soon and my mother recently found him on the roof with a knife (or balcony). He was suicidal and is wrapping up his MS. He's also struggeled with alcohol and mental health problems. People do. Don't let it stop you. If this fucks up, another situation will be more ideal. Really.

I went with a mental health counselor to potentially file disability. Due to PTSD. My social security printed out my jobs: OVER 50. I was in my mid-thirties. I've held jobs for a year at a time since then, some for 2 (serving / bartending - totally in the PUBLIC), I've been in school (project management - other things / certification) I've been offered employment and have the same anxieties.

Please don't let it get you down. You can't be as old as me, as family-less as me or as problematic or challenged as me. I still found *something*. Not great pay but hey. 2 days a week of remote work isn't THAT bad. Another few days in another office doing things that don't look that challenging. We'll see.

i was also offered interviews by communities where mentally ill are housed for coordinative work. Diversity candidates can be a good fit and feel "at home". I declined. I'm still very back and forth.


Per a member of SS, I'm trying CBT techniques (someone recommended them to me) this week. I'm even printing documents with charts and "fill-in's" and will fill in responses so that I can learn more about what happened. I'm not ready today, but maybe tomorrow.

(high stress, for me).

Please don't give up. My loser-list is clearly longer than yours and I'm still trying to get up and do something to hang on by a thread. <3