Venting I need release

[miserableburner]

Hello. im not sure how to do much on here or if this would count as an okay first post, i dont want to be terribly formal but thats just kind of how i talk. i must keep a lot of this private, i am paranoid but i am a male. i have a boyfriend and we have been dating for almost a year now officially. im not sure if this will be taken incredibly serious as it is only a cry for help and i may even delete this if i get too much attention but i do not feel that i know how to fulfill his needs any longer. for a long time now i have felt like a fraud, to him and myself. i am unwell notably and i spend a consistent amount of time dwelling on it on my own in order to find a way out. i do not want to break up with him as i still love him and ive done this entirely to myself, however i voice any concern i have to him and i feel brushed off. i have been increasingly suicidal for months now, and whenever he discusses it he expresses a faux worry which is entirely anger, demands we stop discussing it and then it feels as if it is a transaction. i need to make it up to him, always and everywhere i go i am pinned against a wall in which i have to take care of others and i never receive anything in return. i have lived with my parents my whole life and my mother stopped loving me when i was a young child and ever since i have been in the picture, she has tried to kill herself repeatedly all throughout my life and she has turned to drugs. i was born a burden, and she wanted someone to break the cycle. im not sure what to do, because the moment i receive care from any thing its only a small amount and nothing more after. i have been forced into the role of a dominant person by nobody but myself and when i dont fulfill it everybody is upset with me. i still feel like a child and yet i am always the one comforting people that it's okay to be one. it isn't okay for me and it never will be, nobody wants that out of me and I am as good as an object to everyone who once i stop helping and i go to face my own issues, i am wrong. it is wrong for the helper to want help and it is wrong for me to even do this. i have been called a pathological liar, a narcissist and someone with a victim complex for feeling how i feel when in reality i just want to be able to relax. i tell everyone i am completely free and yet i feel confined for my wrongdoings always because i have to maintain my ego and anytime i admit I'm wrong, or hurt or upset i get torn down and i manage to disappoint. i am the idealized version of me in everyone's heads and that is it, and i am a fool to think i am deserving of pity for opening myself up like this. i am a facade with no real personality and i hate who i am because it is a terrible push and pull of never truly satisfying anyone.