I Need Not To Feel This Anymore

[kane]

I need to figure out some way to short-circuit my despair. I can't stand feeling this way. I just want to curl up in a ball and numb it all away, but I can't. I need to function. Shit needs to get done. I need energy, and focus, and belief in my own ability to overcome obstacles. I need to somehow feel that things are worth doing.

It makes sense that I feel this way. I'm insanely isolated, full of shame and guilt for who I am and things I've done. I hate myself, I hate other people, I hate reality. I see no meaning or purpose to life. I see no future worth living for. I have no real hope. So it makes sense that I feel this overwhelming despair.

But still, I need to find some way out of it. I can't go on like this, or things are going to get much worse. I can't spend most of each day wanting out anymore. Struggling to get even the most basic tasks done. So I need some way to disperse those feelings, until it's finally the right time to ctb. I need to be able to convince myself that everything will be ok if I do the hard things that I need to do, even if I know rationally that things will never be 'ok'.

I don't really know what I'm looking for here...I just can't stand feeling this anymore. I'm stuck in an endless cycle of wanting out, but not being ready to die, and having no motivation to do anything.

 

[timf]

Some people get stuck because they can't find something that makes them feel good. I think you mention that you recognize that there is going to need to be work that is done. This perspective is healthy because it recognizes that one generally does not step out of feeling bad into feeling good. The transition is often marked by a path of difficulty.

Sometimes the path is made difficult because we cling to that which harms us. Sometimes it is difficult because it is unfamiliar. It can even seem difficult because if we choose a wrong path it can make things worse.

The difficult path is often not undertaken because there is no guarantee that it is going to work and no one likes to do difficult work for nothing. Here it can be useful to consider that the difficult work itself is its own reward. Even if the path proves unfruitful, it can lead us to try other paths with a greater chance of success. Instead of lloking for that which makes us feel good, we can allow ourselves to feel good just for looking. The process becomes one from which satisfaction is drawn from the attempt more that expectation of the destination.