I need help

[Graham.N]

Each day is getting increasingly more unbearable, and more and more options are becoming more appealing. Pain is slowly becoming less of a consider and the outcome is all that matters. If drinking chemicals from under the sink provides the results then why should pain even matter. What is a few hours of pain, or even a few days of pain in comparison to a lifetime or even 1 year of pain. I am slowly unable to trust anyone, including my parents.

There is always that question about the genie what your 3 wishes are, and you can't wish for more wishes, but no one ever said I can wish to be killed or be dead. Fuck it. Everything is bullshit anyways. I wish to be dead. Kill me now please.

I've seen countless dog be euthanized who have had the potential for much brighter futures but were robbed of them because it would cost the city council or taxpayers too. How do you think health insurance even works then?

 

[darksouls]

the entire system of society is perverse

 

[timechained]

I've been here before, where you just think what do I care about a little pain if it means I get to die.

I tried to poison myself and ended up just burning my stomach - it wasn't pleasant and I was conscious the whole time.

Life just sucks especially more so if you can't get the necessary help.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand finding it torturous and painful to exist, all I wish for is to never suffer ever again, I just wish to be gone as well, I hope that you find the peace you search for, I wish you the best.

 

[Alexandra_]

Yes, if life brings only suffering, then the torment before death is nothing compared to decades of torment. I wish you only the best

 

[bqueenorange1]

This is exactly me

 

[Graham.N]

Everyday it feels that the meaning I get out of each day diminishes more and more. Almost like the half-life of a drug on element. It's like radioactive decay. I have felt this way for quite some time but it feels like a series of events has set this off recently and daily events trigger it more a more. As I lay here in bed tonight waiting to fall asleep, the reoccurring thought and desire comes back up: hopefully this is the last time. The crying spells are coming back too. I fight it, and repress it. Men aren't supposed to cry like this. I can't be seen like this. People will say think and think things. I guess that was another reason I tinted my windows. At least now I can cry quietly and out of sight of others. Best not interfere with there lives and bring them down. This space is more appropriate. If it weren't for Tesla's Full Self Driving, I wouldn't be able to get around anymore. In a professional setting I can still drive but repressing those emotions can only go on for so long. At least that is how it was in the past. Stealing a police officers shot gun when putting my radio away was a though I had at the end of my shift. If I close my eyes I cal still see that room. Counting the time. Ready set go. It makes my heart race. I can hear it. Then it stops. Daily this went through my head until I had to leave. They never said anything other than they were said to see me go. There were parts I like but the dogs were just becoming numbers, and as per directions they were disposed of at the dump. It cost about $75.00 for ten "dry aged" dogs as opposed to $2500 to be taken to the county for rendering. The magical blue bottle locked on the back of my truck too. So many close calls, I think that was a 10-14 days voluntary grippy socks vacation. It wouldn't be safe for me to be on the bus and crying like that, and like wise I feel way safer with the aid of it then trying to drive the car solo. Today the crying was bad enough that the car couldn't see my eyes and gave me alerts to pay attention. This is out of the norm. In the 20,000 plus miles driven in the last year in Full Self Driving I've never seen the app act like that. It gives me just an enough free down so I can still function in my life. I'm also starting to listen to like the same 3 or 4 song only and daily. The remind me of when I was living 100% (kinda) independently, driving to work in the mornings or exploring the city and delivering pizzas. I was soul crushingly lonely but here it is just the same. I really need support and help now more then ever. I've had 2 a projects on my desk for weeks now and have not touched the. Time has never been moving so quickly.Those who see this please send me a pm