I need affirmation and acknowledgement.

[borderline-feline]

It seems like everyone I interact with tries to tell me that I have value, that I'm not worthless. I just want to punch them for it, because I know that they're either lying or stupid. I need someone to acknowledge that I'm worthless, that I'll never be capable of learning to draw, and that my loved ones would be better off if I caught the bus. I need these objective truths to be affirmed by someone, and I've been trying since my first post on this forum to get someone to affirm that.

Not only am I worthless, but I also have to deal with my brain trying to gaslight me into believing that I'm the most horrible thing that a person can be. I just want to end my pain, but I can't.

I objectively have no value, and I wouldn't want to get better, even if it was possible (which it isn't). I'm not a good person, but I deserve to be able to die. Maybe if I got even one person to acknowledge my worthlessness and lack of potential, then maybe I could convince my favorite person to give me permission to die. I don't have ownership of my life, and that's the reason why I haven't been able to catch the bus; he has to allow me to die, or else I'm stuck being alive (unless a split happens, which would result in me catching the bus to punish him).

All I need is to be able to convince my favorite person to let me die, and without a surefire way to do that, I can't even bring the topic up. If I brought it up again and couldn't convince him, then I would run the risk of him leaving me. I need to be able to convince him that expecting me to keep the promise I made out of fear of him leaving

I can't get better because medication has done nothing for me, and therapy doesn't do anything in general, not just for me. Why is mental illness the only kind of thing that gets "treated" by talking to the patient? It doesn't work. Mental illness is the result of a chemical imbalance in the brain, therefore the only way to treat it is to fix that imbalance with medication.

Don't try to tell me that I'm not worthless. Don't try to tell me that I'm capable of learning to draw. Don't try to tell me that my loved ones wouldn't be better off without me. Don't try to tell me that I don't need permission to die. All of those claims are incorrect, and saying them will only make me spiral further.

As a final note, my relationship with my favorite person isn't unhealthy, and it gets tiring having to explain this all the time. If you try to assert that my relationship with him is unhealthy, then I will ignore everything that you say.

 

[Anonymus]

And the opposite has happened to me. The people around me have made me believe since I was a child that I did not have the same value as others and I believed it for many years, until I was 22 years old.

In fact everything is still the same as ever about me and what they see of me... but years ago I realized the same as you, that there are too many stupid people deciding what I am and what I am not capable of doing.
I happen to be able to do more things than most people.. but my mental disorders over condition what others think of me.. but I have already surprised them too many times. And I don't care what they think of me anymore.

Don't care about others and do what you want to do whatever path you choose.

//

I a mi m'ha passat el contrari que a tu. La gent del meu voltant m'ha fet creure desde petit que jo no no tenía el mateix valor que els altres i m'ho vaig creure durant molts anys, fins els 22 anys.

De fet tot continua igual que sempre respecte a mi i el que veuen de mi.. però ja fa anys que em vaig adonar del mateix que tú, que hi ha masses estúpids decidint que sóc i que no sóc capaç de fer.
Resulta que sóc capaç de fer més coses que la majoría de la gent.. però els meus trastorns mentals condicionen en excés el que els altres pensen de mi... però ja els he sorprés masses vegades. I ja no m'importa el que pensin de mi.

Despreocupa't dels altres i ves a la teva sigui quin sigui el camí que triís.

 

[borderline-feline]

And the opposite has happened to me. The people around me have made me believe since I was a child that I did not have the same value as others and I believed it for many years, until I was 22 years old.

In fact everything is still the same as ever about me and what they see of me... but years ago I realized the same as you, that there are too many stupid people deciding what I am and what I am not capable of doing.
I happen to be able to do more things than most people.. but my mental disorders over condition what others think of me.. but I have already surprised them too many times. And I don't care what they think of me anymore.

Don't care about others and do what you want to do whatever path you choose.

//

I a mi m'ha passat el contrari que a tu. La gent del meu voltant m'ha fet creure desde petit que jo no no tenía el mateix valor que els altres i m'ho vaig creure durant molts anys, fins els 22 anys.

De fet tot continua igual que sempre respecte a mi i el que veuen de mi.. però ja fa anys que em vaig adonar del mateix que tú, que hi ha masses estúpids decidint que sóc i que no sóc capaç de fer.
Resulta que sóc capaç de fer més coses que la majoría de la gent.. però els meus trastorns mentals condicionen en excés el que els altres pensen de mi... però ja els he sorprés masses vegades. I ja no m'importa el que pensin de mi.

Despreocupa't dels altres i ves a la teva sigui quin sigui el camí que triís.

I'm glad that you were openminded about this. A lot of people aren't. Thank you.

 

[mint]

a lot of this sounds familiar to me. same things people always tell me. "you're such a talented artist blablabla" like that's not bullshit.

i can't tell you that you're worthless, nor will i tell you that you're worth anything, because really the fact is i don't know you. all i can really do is tell you the other thing you probably hate hearing all the time: you're not alone feeling like that. i struggle with a lot of the same stuff you do, it sounds like. i have a brain that works triple overtime to tell me that all the worst, most vile shit you can think about yourself is 100% immutable fact. it's a confusing way to live, to say the least. i know what it's like not knowing one way or the other if someone thinks you're worthless or not. that uncertainty is worse than any insult someone can throw at you. it's like torture.

anyway. i wish i could tell you that you're worthless. just to make that uncertainty stop.

 

[borderline-feline]

a lot of this sounds familiar to me. same things people always tell me. "you're such a talented artist blablabla" like that's not bullshit.

i can't tell you that you're worthless, nor will i tell you that you're worth anything, because really the fact is i don't know you. all i can really do is tell you the other thing you probably hate hearing all the time: you're not alone feeling like that. i struggle with a lot of the same stuff you do, it sounds like. i have a brain that works triple overtime to tell me that all the worst, most vile shit you can think about another person is 100% immutable fact. it's a confusing way to live, to say the least. i know what it's like not knowing one way or the other if someone thinks you're worthless or not. that uncertainty is worse than any insult someone can throw at you.

anyway. i wish i could tell you that you're worthless. just to make that uncertainty stop.

Honestly, uncertainty is one of the things I hate the most, which is why my brain is still infested by this roach that gaslights me. Too many people preach this mantra of "maybe I am; maybe I'm not", but that doesn't work for POCD.

 

[mint]

Honestly, uncertainty is one of the things I hate the most, which is why my brain is still infested by this roach that gaslights me. Too many people preach this mantra of "maybe I am; maybe I'm not", but that doesn't work for POCD.

i'm not sure what's pocd, i've never heard it before.

 

[borderline-feline]

i'm not sure what's pocd, i've never heard it before.

POCD is a particular theme of obsessive compulsive disorder. OCD centers around intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviors to try and stop the thoughts. Since I mentioned that my brain tries to gaslight me into thinking that I'm the worst thing a person can be, you could probably guess what the P stands for.

It's something I'm usually afraid of talking to people about, but having some level of anonymity on here helps. It's a very misunderstood OCD theme that carries specific shame and stigma because of the nature of the thoughts that get thrown at me against my will.

 

[mint]

POCD is a particular theme of obsessive compulsive disorder. OCD centers around intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviors to try and stop the thoughts. Since I mentioned that my brain tries to gaslight me into thinking that I'm the worst thing a person can be, you could probably guess what the P stands for.

It's something I'm usually afraid of talking to people about, but having some level of anonymity on here helps. It's a very misunderstood OCD theme that carries specific shame and stigma because of the nature of the thoughts that get thrown at me against my will.

aaahhh i think i understand. i've never met someone with that, so i can't say for sure. it seems like it would have a lot of stigma tied to it, yeah. i don't know the particular circumstances or anything, but either way it sounds like you have a lot of stuff in your brain working against you.

i think about it like this: lots of people have intrusive thoughts and certain obsessions, but even worse than those things is the lack of infrastructure to give those people treatment. to me, that's way worse.

 

[CowsAgainstCapitali]

POCD is a particular theme of obsessive compulsive disorder. OCD centers around intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviors to try and stop the thoughts. Since I mentioned that my brain tries to gaslight me into thinking that I'm the worst thing a person can be, you could probably guess what the P stands for.

It's something I'm usually afraid of talking to people about, but having some level of anonymity on here helps. It's a very misunderstood OCD theme that carries specific shame and stigma because of the nature of the thoughts that get thrown at me against my will.

I relate to all of this so hard. Never officially diagnosed as POCD but I'm sure I would be. Just want to say I know exactly how that feels.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm really extremely sorry about all the emotional turmoil you're feeling and for having contributed to it. Your pain is very palpable. Unfortunately, especially given all that is happening, this forum isn't the right place to ask for people to tell you you should kill yourself. You of course have the complete right to come to your own conclusions about yourself and your life.

 

[borderline-feline]

I'm really sorry about all the emotional turmoil you're feeling and for having contributed to it. Even though you believe it to be justified it's still devastating that you have such an abysmal opinion of yourself. Unfortunately, especially given all that is happening, this forum isn't the right place to ask for people to tell you you should kill yourself.

I understand that. I'm not really asking for people to tell me that I should kill myself. I guess what I need is for people to acknowledge that I don't have potential or value. Admittedly those things sound very similar, but it's not me wanting people to tell me what I should do, but rather that I want people to understand and accept what I say about myself.

I don't do well with people saying positive things about me, just like I hate being happy. It's difficult to explain things like this to people, but I think that I have no value mainly because I don't have an identity. I don't know who I am, and I'm not capable of gaining skills because of how overwhelming and scary it is. I also get disproportionately upset about things that really shouldn't matter, but they matter immensely to me, regardless of how unimportant they actually are.

A lot of things about me are things that people struggle to understand, like how I hate being happy. There's also the fact that I don't know if taking mood stabilizers would be a good idea because I don't want to lose my anger and sadness over certain things that I'm not comfortable talking about. I have a defective brain in every way possible, so I try to escape reality, which only works for so long.

I've dealt with a lot of guilt, a lot of trauma, and a lot of confusion over the things that happened to me when I was young. I can pinpoint 4-5 experiences that made me the way that I am, but none of those things can be changed since they're in the past.

Whenever I'm happy, I get anxious about what will ruin my mood, but I also miss the comfort of being sad if that makes any sense.

I relate to all of this so hard. Never officially diagnosed as POCD but I'm sure I would be. Just want to say I know exactly how that feels.

It really sucks to have to deal with those kinds of intrusive thoughts, so I very much feel your pain if that means anything to you. My best friend told me a while back that she decided that she does actually want kids, and that terrifies me, because as selfish as this probably sounds, it would feel like she's abandoning me. I don't want our friendship to end, but I also can't handle being around such a massive trigger.

I'm bad at focusing on the present, but I'm gonna try. I'll burn that bridge when I get to it. Hopefully I won't have to deal with anything though.

I hope you're able to get rid of your pain, because it really does feel like shit.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I don't think anyone here can give you what you want I'm afraid. We simply don't know you to know whether you are worthless.

Let me ask you this though- do YOU know anyone (asides from yourself) that you believe to be worthless? If so- would you say it to their face? Even if they asked you to?

If EVERYONE on this forum was even in a position to say you were worthless, would that be enough? Isn't it your favourite person's approval you want? Would they be swayed by individuals on an internet forum?

I could argue that we are ALL worthless. The human race is a fucking disaster. In all likelihood- we'll wipe out the very planet we all depend on- along with a huge amount of other innocent species. What human achievement can you think of that hasn't either benefited humans or- has tried to minimise the damage we have already done? Human achievement is only any good if you think humans are good...

 

[borderline-feline]

I don't think anyone here can give you what you want I'm afraid. We simply don't know you to know whether you are worthless.

Let me ask you this though- do YOU know anyone (asides from yourself) that you believe to be worthless? If so- would you say it to their face? Even if they asked you to?

If EVERYONE on this forum was even in a position to say you were worthless, would that be enough? Isn't it your favourite person's approval you want? Would they be swayed by individuals on an internet forum?

I could argue that we are ALL worthless. The human race is a fucking disaster. In all likelihood- we'll wipe out the very planet we all depend on- along with a huge amount of other innocent species. What human achievement can you think of that hasn't either benefited humans or- has tried to minimise the damage we have already done? Human achievement is only any good if you think humans are good...

I've known a lot of people who I would consider to be worthless, and I would tell all of them to their faces.

I don't know if it would sway his beliefs, but I think that it could help. He considers himself to be a logical person, even if I'd say that he does get influenced (read blinded) by his emotions at times, like when he told me that he likes my singing voice. I'm genuinely tone deaf, and my favorite person isn't the type to lie, so I know that his opinion of my singing voice is solely a result of his feelings for me.

I get exhausted by people's refusal to acknowledge that it's even possible for a person to be worthless, so if nothing else, it would at least reduce stress and pain by some amount if I was told that I'm worthless. I think I've explained enough in various posts, including this one, to show that I'm a worthless leech.