i need a hug or something

[raindrops]

ive been trying to get better but i feel so hopeless most days i avoid therapy too.

my ex boyfriend who i was with 15 years who i loved despite the toxic things that happened i thought it would be ok, in the end.


today i found out he now has a 40 yr old girlfriend who has 4 children (2 are teenagers)

hes my age also, we had no children.
15 years for this i feel ashamed.

like i should catch the bus now.


i really thought he'd take time to himself after 15 years. a hobby, work, anything but what hes doing now. hes changed so much, it makes me sad. he was a metal head, not now hes what we call in the UK "chavy" now.
its all so confusing
i wish i was brave enough to end it now, my life that is.

its mad to think ive sort of journaled here on and off through these years and if i read back what he put me through before, i shouldnt care but im too blame. i miss him, i love him.

we had only slept with eachother, now he has had sex with this woman.
i feel sick, ive still only ever slept with him and im 30!!! im so scared, i just want to have peace.

 

[Edistrying]

I send you a hugggeee hug. We're are gonna be ok again. I hope so

 

[raindrops]

I also had to call the police today she came to my home screaming and shouting, my grandmother was shaken, this woman was demanding a fight. her only reason was because i embarrassed my ex partner in a petty way over fb and she took offence so i called her some names and then decided to bring her children, in the rain, to my home (grandmothers home) and scream/shout ridiculously loud, i was scared.

then i remembered a time when i argued with him when we were together he told me "if i wasnt with you, I'd be with a much nicer, calmer, loving woman"

today proved he hasnt found that.
shes worse than me, i would never go to someones home and demand a fight, for that anyway!

15 years....
i feel so confused about living or dying...
my choice...
its just ughhh...
i really feel like ive switched reality how has this all changed and especially him so much.
*when i mean today i mean yesterday i suppose its 2:25am here. i cant sleep now i know he gets to hold someone else at night.