Story I murdered my own bird at around 5 years old

[m4rius]

I don't have many memories of it as it was long ago. We moved apartments with it. It was there since my birth.

It was a male, grey-white cockatiel. It was named "Kokos".


(picture above is from google, but it looked similar)

The only memory I have that stayed with me is when I murdered it.

I was around 5 years old. Must've been before I started kindergarten.

The bird was loving and often kept to himself. It was in its cage, at the balcony, at night.

From what I remember I wanted to hurt it, or kill it as some kind of "revenge" against my mother, to spite her. I knew this bird must've meant something to her. At that time I didn't really care, all I wanted was a reaction out of my mother.

But no, I did care. When I was killing it, I wasn't comfortable. I felt sick, and yet I kept at it. I was committed to kill. The urge to do it and spite my mother overwhelmed the feeling of empathy.

I used a Windex sprayer to intoxicate the bird through a series of sprays.

My mom would catch me once or twice, she'd pick me up and scold at me like any other sensible parent.

You'd think I'd listen and maybe internalize what the fuck I just did, but no... I had to get the job done. I had to have killed the bird and see my mom breakdown crying or something.

And so I went and sneaked around to spray at it once more. My mom would see me again and this time I'd run around the cage spraying like some smug twat, laughing mischievously.

I heard its whimpers, its cries for help. I saw its attempts to fly out of its cage, to seek safety. I knew it was being intoxicated. I knew it was dying slowly.

And yet, I kept spraying. Over and over.

Eventually it died. My mom picked it up and had it on her hand, crying and screaming at me for what I have done.

I didn't really process anything. I was standing there and feeling a bit guilty, mainly shocked.

I hope this bird forgives me. I haven't grown up in the best household, something in me was broken very early. I'm so sorry.

 

[Nikalas]

What the fuck

 

[hamtaro]

Sickening.

 

[horse]

That's the strangest thing I've read all week, I know it's Monday but still.

 

[absolomonisgone]

You were 5 nothing to make person not happy. Forget

 

[HayBunny23]

I don't know why I hurt the things that I do either. At least you were only 5.

 

[whatevs]

You deserve to forgive yourself but only after you suffer for what you did. I also killed a bird with toxic spray as a kid but because it took too long (everything happened in the same day) I just crushed it with a truck toy.

To this day it disturbs me what I did but I've suffered for who and how I was. I was also sexually abused around that time. If you were abused that can account for the psychopathic behavior. I do think slowly poisoning an animal is more concerning that something that happens more off an impulse.

I've grown to be a compassionate man that is becoming fully vegetarian. You're probably salvageable if you feel bad for what you did. Take care and good luck.

 

[Zelonis]

I would recommend you talk to someone for this. Did you know what you did was wrong? Did you regret this act? Do you still have these thoughts? What you did was cruel and callous. My grandma had the same type of bird and it passed last year in January 2022 from old age. If you have these thoughts about animals and/or humans I would highly suggest getting help. I don't like to tell people what to do on this forum, especially "Suicide Discussion"but this post shocked me.

 

[HerculePoirot]

Girl with Dead Bird

Life and death in a sixteenth-century masterpiece The portrait we have come to call Little Girl with Dead Bird is an enigma. On the one hand, we hardly know anything about this sixteenth-century masterpiece. But even so, on the other hand, the picture fascinates viewers to this day. This...

lup.be

 

[nilahq]

I used to mistreat my pets when I was really little as well, remembering it now makes me feel like a piece of shit. I starved my hamster to death because I was mad that he bit me, I was about 7 years old. The shock of losing him and other pets made me awfully depressed and disgusted at myself because they didn't deserve that. I'm unable to have pets now because I am aware that I cannot love an animal but I do miss having a little furry companion. While I'm not glad that there are other people like me who've mistreated their pets, I feel a little understood. I hope you can forgive yourself and find ways to help yourself cope.

 

[m4rius]

Maybe look up sociopathy or psychopathy? When I was studying this in school I've read that it is not uncommon for kids to torture animals. Even though it is a big antisocial trait most of the kids grow out of it and realize that what they were doing was bad.

I did grow out of it, I think? I remember many times as an older kid being overly empathetic for even plants and scolding at a friend for cutting flowers or something saying that it hurts them, and many more examples.

I grew up to be quite normal as kid in primary school as the fights between my parents would lessen. This time they'd be away from each other in different homes. I think that's what really helped to ensure my emotional development.

Early in my life, like when I'd be a toddler my parents would almost kill each other in fights, we're talking stabbings, beatdowns, etc. It was hell, a bloody hell sometimes. Full of screams and shouting. I always felt like one of my parents were gonna die. I don't know if that ever affected my ability to process empathy as a 5 year old, I think I was too immature, but I definitely absorbed some of that unnecessary violence I'd say.

Did you realize what you've done and felt bad later on in your life? Has this ever happened again? Do you feel empathy when something bad happens to your family members, friends or pets? Just something to think about.

Yeah dude I broke down crying over things I've done and felt in the past. Family members? It depends, I would definitely cry over my mom and dad though. It's difficult though as lately I've been growing more numb, that's the issue, that's the part that scares me. I just don't really process things that are very stressful, instead I stress about minor inconveniences. I'm trying to seek a good psychologist and maybe psychedelics to override that deep trauma I ignored for eternity, it probably wouldn't be enough for my suicidality but it's worth a shot.

 

[SexyIncél]

I don't understand some reactions. Clearly the OP is deeply hurt about it, with profound self-guilt. And they were just 5. Lots of perfectly happy people start wars, and poison kids with lead or malnutrition...

 

[JuliaOnTheNet]

To be fair when I started reading it I was thinking like "Oh god this poster could end up killing someone maybe" but then I kept on reading and you did feel bad about and it's still something that bothers you.
We all do horrible things, some worse some less bad but what's done is done and nothing can be changed about it. Most people feel remorse looking back on their bad actions and it can be really fucking terrible.

I wouldn't have a worry in the world asking you to take care of my bird when I can't anymore

 

[NeverReallyHere]

Some of the reactions on here are insane. He was 5 years old FFS, and his parents were clearly abusive and deeply dysfunctional - some people need to get some perspective, seriously.

 

[LunaXCBN]

Psychopath in training
(I don't blame you for anything btw, you were 5. Just early signs of something bad brewing up)
((I'm also not a medical professional do not take my word for anything pls ty))

 

[Himalayan]

I freed one when i was 5 or 8. Wasn't mine, watched to much captain planet perhaps.

 

[mushroomhive]

what the hell? i've never heard of a 5 year old this sadistic, when i was 5 i was already commited to my love and care for them. i own two cockatiels, same bird you murdered for selfish revenge. they're incredibly intellegent, they mourn the deaths of their partners, they mate for life and are incredibly loyal. i have NO sympathy for people who kill animals especially avians - one of the most emotionally intelligent animals. i saw someone similar to you on tiktok, who beat a rooster to death with a rake and had no regrets. i'm not gonna say exactly what i want too because i know it's against the rules but i have no qualms about you being in the kind of state to be on a suicide forum. you couldn't have even killed it quickly, cockatiels are very fragile it was possible, but no. you chose to .. poison it? torture it? listening to its screams for help and mercy? it trusted you. fuck you.

these are my lovely sweet boys, Waffles and Bobby. these are the kinds of animals you killed. innocent and loving. i don't care if i'm being harsh to me this is akin to murdering a kid. there's no excuses for killing such a lovely animal, this is animal abuse.

 

[mushroomhive]

I freed one when i was 5 or 8. Wasn't mine, watched to much captain planet perhaps.

i've heard of a lot of kids releasing pet birds, but i can't be mad at them for it. it comes from a good place, the intention to set a bird free is wholesome if you are young and don't have the knowledge that releasing a pet bird is a death sentence

 

[Dyscalculia]

This is definitely something to look deeper into in case you haven't. But I also get that a lot of kids do terrible stuff to animals sometimes just out of curiosity, or because they don't understand what they're doing or that it's causing pain and suffering to the animal. Big reason why I think kids should not solely own their animals, but be looked after by adults. Lot of kids do something incredibly hurtful to animals without even knowing about it. I own up to my memory too, I remember cutting short my cat's whiskers when I was 6. Shortly after I realized I should not have ever done that because that's how cats orient themselves and such, it acts as a sensory tool. I feel terrible about that to this day, so as long as you feel bad about it and you acknowledge that it was fked up, you can grow from it and work on it.

 

[FadingFast2023]

When I was a young kid my cat scratched my eyelid and I picked it up by the tail and spun it around. The cat had a life long fear of people other than my sister. I am pretty old now and still feel guilty for it. I have donated a ton of money to animal shelter and currently have a stray cat that I spoil the living shit out of and never laid a finger on. I think that is all we can do to make amends for these things that haunt us.

 

[Himalayan]

i've heard of a lot of kids releasing pet birds, but i can't be mad at them for it. it comes from a good place, the intention to set a bird free is wholesome if you are young and don't have the knowledge that releasing a pet bird is a death sentence

Why would it be a death sentence? That bird wasn't raised in a cage, it was captured. Even if it was raised, the animal would probably be happier whit death, than living on a cage anyway.

 

[Faejin]

While I am not neuro scientist, I am studying to be a chemist so what I say has little meaning in this.
I think that your brain had not fully developed empathy at such a young age.

You see children do mean chit all the time because they just do not understand that the other thing is a living thing that experiences things too. Now you may look at it and feel awful, but back then there's a decent chance that you barely even registered it as a living being. Yes, you may have understood that it was alive, but you may not have registered what it felt or that it was experiencing it too.

Children lack a lot of ability when it comes to understanding something else's perspective just like how a child believes that everyone knows the same thing they do and think their thoughts

Remember, feeling shitty or cringe about something you did in the past is a sign that you have grown as a person.

 

[donttellmybf2004]

I don't have many memories of it as it was long ago. We moved apartments with it. It was there since my birth.

It was a male, grey-white cockatiel. It was named "Kokos".

View attachment 105024
(picture above is from google, but it looked similar)

The only memory I have that stayed with me is when I murdered it.

I was around 5 years old. Must've been before I started kindergarten.

The bird was loving and often kept to himself. It was in its cage, at the balcony, at night.

From what I remember I wanted to hurt it, or kill it as some kind of "revenge" against my mother, to spite her. I knew this bird must've meant something to her. At that time I didn't really care, all I wanted was a reaction out of my mother.

But no, I did care. When I was killing it, I wasn't comfortable. I felt sick, and yet I kept at it. I was committed to kill. The urge to do it and spite my mother overwhelmed the feeling of empathy.

I used a Windex sprayer to intoxicate the bird through a series of sprays.

My mom would catch me once or twice, she'd pick me up and scold at me like any other sensible parent.

You'd think I'd listen and maybe internalize what the fuck I just did, but no... I had to get the job done. I had to have killed the bird and see my mom breakdown crying or something.

And so I went and sneaked around to spray at it once more. My mom would see me again and this time I'd run around the cage spraying like some smug twat, laughing mischievously.

I heard its whimpers, its cries for help. I saw its attempts to fly out of its cage, to seek safety. I knew it was being intoxicated. I knew it was dying slowly.

And yet, I kept spraying. Over and over.

Eventually it died. My mom picked it up and had it on her hand, crying and screaming at me for what I have done.

I didn't really process anything. I was standing there and feeling a bit guilty, mainly shocked.

I hope this bird forgives me. I haven't grown up in the best household, something in me was broken very early. I'm so sorry.

I'm not gonna send you some hate letter like the other people here. I'm sorry you have this memory, I'm sorry you have to carry the guilt and pain from it. Im sorry the bird went through that pain too. Children who grow up in very traumatic situations often have episodes of animal-violence. It's unfortunately pretty common. But many children like this grow up into wonderful, kind adults. This memory does not define you. You were five, that's incredibly young. I doubt you even truly understood concepts like death and pain. Im sure you're a much different person now, and I wish you peace and closure.

 

[releasespieces]

The people judging the OP need to take a long hard look at themselves.

Sorry you went through that OP and I'm sorry there are some members here without empathy or understanding.

If it happens to a pet its unforgivable, but the truth is that people slaughter and abuse animals in a factory, assembly line fashion daily and at ridiculous numbers. We are born into a cruel world filled with suffering, abuse, war and neurotic behaviors. You can in no way blame the established cultural norms on a CHILD.

In a related story I ripped the legs off a spider until it had only two left and I laughed at it trying to walk when I was probably about 8 years old. I also found joy in forcing my childhood friends' head underwater and holding it there. I'm sure there were other strange destructive behaviors I exhibited from time to time as well. Behaviors like that aren't that uncommon among kids, I witnessed kids killing birds by the dozen for fun with a BB gun, blowing up seagulls with alkaseltzer, etc. I grew up in an abusive and violent household, a father with PTSD from Vietnam who attacked kids when startled or in a mood. A best friend with a biker dad who was as violent and destructive as they come.

If you grow up in rural areas violence against animals is a normal everyday occurrence.

If any of you want to shame someone like this… shame yourselves.

 

[Hollowman]

In a parallel universe in the future you will be that bird. I'm gonna make sure of it. (If it's true that I'm an almighty creator being :)

OP ! I'm coming baby

Wtf...you're not an almighty creator being.

 

[Sunny-Pia]

I don't have many memories of it as it was long ago. We moved apartments with it. It was there since my birth.

It was a male, grey-white cockatiel. It was named "Kokos".

View attachment 105024
(picture above is from google, but it looked similar)

The only memory I have that stayed with me is when I murdered it.

I was around 5 years old. Must've been before I started kindergarten.

The bird was loving and often kept to himself. It was in its cage, at the balcony, at night.

From what I remember I wanted to hurt it, or kill it as some kind of "revenge" against my mother, to spite her. I knew this bird must've meant something to her. At that time I didn't really care, all I wanted was a reaction out of my mother.

But no, I did care. When I was killing it, I wasn't comfortable. I felt sick, and yet I kept at it. I was committed to kill. The urge to do it and spite my mother overwhelmed the feeling of empathy.

I used a Windex sprayer to intoxicate the bird through a series of sprays.

My mom would catch me once or twice, she'd pick me up and scold at me like any other sensible parent.

You'd think I'd listen and maybe internalize what the fuck I just did, but no... I had to get the job done. I had to have killed the bird and see my mom breakdown crying or something.

And so I went and sneaked around to spray at it once more. My mom would see me again and this time I'd run around the cage spraying like some smug twat, laughing mischievously.

I heard its whimpers, its cries for help. I saw its attempts to fly out of its cage, to seek safety. I knew it was being intoxicated. I knew it was dying slowly.

And yet, I kept spraying. Over and over.

Eventually it died. My mom picked it up and had it on her hand, crying and screaming at me for what I have done.

I didn't really process anything. I was standing there and feeling a bit guilty, mainly shocked.

I hope this bird forgives me. I haven't grown up in the best household, something in me was broken very early. I'm so sorry.

I hate people who think they can just make excuses for hurting animals because there really isn't any excuse for hurting an innocent animal, no matter what!!!!!..if life is really that hard....well then it would be beter if people just kill themselves instead...rather than taking an animals life who can't even defend themselves. Evil selfish humans just want to make someone else suffer for the pain they're enduring....I say if you didnt grow up in the best household then u should have held those peopl accountable and sprayed that windex up their nostrils...plus you really didn't need to share this post along with a picture of that poor animal...

 

[spiritedspirit]

Wtf...you're not an almighty creator being.

how would you know

you wouldn't

so yeah …

 

[Someone123]

I don't have many memories of it as it was long ago. We moved apartments with it. It was there since my birth.

It was a male, grey-white cockatiel. It was named "Kokos".

View attachment 105024
(picture above is from google, but it looked similar)

The only memory I have that stayed with me is when I murdered it.

I was around 5 years old. Must've been before I started kindergarten.

The bird was loving and often kept to himself. It was in its cage, at the balcony, at night.

From what I remember I wanted to hurt it, or kill it as some kind of "revenge" against my mother, to spite her. I knew this bird must've meant something to her. At that time I didn't really care, all I wanted was a reaction out of my mother.

But no, I did care. When I was killing it, I wasn't comfortable. I felt sick, and yet I kept at it. I was committed to kill. The urge to do it and spite my mother overwhelmed the feeling of empathy.

I used a Windex sprayer to intoxicate the bird through a series of sprays.

My mom would catch me once or twice, she'd pick me up and scold at me like any other sensible parent.

You'd think I'd listen and maybe internalize what the fuck I just did, but no... I had to get the job done. I had to have killed the bird and see my mom breakdown crying or something.

And so I went and sneaked around to spray at it once more. My mom would see me again and this time I'd run around the cage spraying like some smug twat, laughing mischievously.

I heard its whimpers, its cries for help. I saw its attempts to fly out of its cage, to seek safety. I knew it was being intoxicated. I knew it was dying slowly.

And yet, I kept spraying. Over and over.

Eventually it died. My mom picked it up and had it on her hand, crying and screaming at me for what I have done.

I didn't really process anything. I was standing there and feeling a bit guilty, mainly shocked.

I hope this bird forgives me. I haven't grown up in the best household, something in me was broken very early. I'm so sorry.

I am glad you feel empathy and sorrow for this- this situation is really 99% your mother's fault, extreme trauma can lead to terrible things. I really believe that there is a chance you will be reunited with this bird in the next life and it has forgiven you long ago, recognizing that it was a response to horrible abuse at such a young age. Honestly I have also been haunted by things like using live bait for fishing, which is also very cruel, in my opinion.

 

[katara]

You must have had a really strange relationship with your mom. It sounds like even when you did this you realized how terrible it was. I don't really know what to comment on this. I hope you are a better person now. I think we all do evil things at some point in our lives. I've had issues with my mom as well, sometimes I wanted her to die in a car crash so i'd never have to see her again. I was mad at her for things she let happen to me. I've tried to forgive, but i can't forget the hurt she caused me to go through. I know that no parent is perfect, i think it's normal to want a reaction out of your parent/s, and your way was definitely not a good one.

 

[mushroomhive]

Why would it be a death sentence? That bird wasn't raised in a cage, it was captured. Even if it was raised, the animal would probably be happier whit death, than living on a cage anyway.

pet birds do not know how to survive in the wild. not only is it very unlikely that bird is native, but i'm also guessing it was a small bird like a parakeet. which are flock birds. let a little parrot out in a random country when all it knows is the safety of a human home and doesn't know to avoid predators and how to get food without even the protection of a flock .. it's going to die. sorry. it happens all the time. here's some quotes from simply looking up if its bad to release a pet bird; "People often believe it's symbolic to release doves (or white pigeons) to give them freedom, but in truth, it's a death sentence for a domestic bird. Domestic birds have neither the genes nor the developmental experience to survive in the wild." "It is unbelievable cruelty to "set a pet bird free." You are not "freeing" it, you are abandoning it to a terrible death, either a quick one at the talons of a hawk or falcon, or a slow, agonizing one as it dies of starvation and dehydration." "Birds that have been raised with humans simply do not know how to be wild birds. They are not accustomed to dealing with weather. They don't know how to look for their own food. They never learned how to watch out for predators, and if they lived in a house with a friendly cat or dog, they may make the deadly mistake of assuming any dog or cat is friendly. Because of all this, if you set one of these birds free, you would likely be sentencing him to a horrible death. Is that really better for the bird?"

AND SECOND; it's very uncommon for wild birds to be resold as pets in a common pet store. all the budgies and canaries you see are captive bred - you have to go out of ur way to find a wild caught one. as for the "they're better off in the wild and dead than in a cage" .. i just. lol you REEK of ignorance about pet birds. obviously i think it takes a very specific kind of person to properly take care of a bird, and they shouldn't be as easy to buy as they are, but if done right a domestic bird can be very happy. half of the time, the cage is just a roost. i have two birds, happy as ever, sing songs, one of them even flirts with me. their cage is just for sleep and for getting food. they play, get enrichment mimicking the wild, etc. that bird is not better of dead than with a person, if the owner was bad and kept it locked up like a decoration itd be best rehomed to a loving home not.. dead. yikes