I miss who I used to be.

[ggetout33]

As of writing, I'm 22 years old. But I miss who I used to be when I was about 17-19. My post-high school but pre-COVID years.

I think COVID slowly caused a radical shift in how I view the world since I missed out on the social opportunities that are normal for people that age, I spent a lot of time stuck in my room, and via the internet I got a front-row seat at how vile, selfish, and stupid people can be. And how incompetent at best and malicious at worst the institutions we depend on can be.

But before I was 20, I had a passion for living. I wanted to do art, I wanted to fall in love, and I had a plan for how my life would go. But as you can tell, it all fell apart. I got fat, dating opportunities dried up, no medication could treat my ADD without causing severe side effects so I gave up on that. Couldn't crack it at drawing so gave up on that. I thought I had a second wind by trying to publish erotica a few months ago but I personally blew that up. Haven't been motivated since.

Only thing I haven't given up on is guitar but that's only because I have other people to practice with and help me learn, and they count on me to remember my parts, its also the only thing I've consistently practiced since I was 17. I still try to practice but I think I could use more consistency.

Even though I know so much more compared to who I was back then, I also feel very aimless and ummotivated. I don't feel any sense of purpose beyond "be a guitar player" or work another wage-slave job. And honestly, if I were a ghost who found out I died in my sleep, my reaction would probably be something like: "Oh well, it wasn't gonna get better anyways. Sucks for my family and friends."

Sometimes it sucks to know more.

 

[DeathSleep]

I can relate. I never used to think about the past as much as I do now. I really fucked things up. I was more naive years ago but I had a life that I was somewhat keeping together. I didn't think about killing myself as much. For years now I've been in a hole that I can't get out of. All I see is this hellish cycle repeating itself for the rest of my life. It'll only get worse for me. Getting older I'm just collecting more reasons to ctb. I don't wish to go back and change the direction of my life though. I'm just done. I don't want to be here anymore.

 

[Raindancer]

Yes, I can seriously relate too. I have been struggling with that for a very long time and get into phases where I am dealing with the changes, and then when I miss who I used to be. It's painful knowing what has been and at least for me will never be again. It really is like mourning a death.

 

[WeDontKnowTheFuture]

i feel the same. I had a social life, a passion, dreams and i lost everythings, All the things that made sense in my life gradually collapse in the last three years.