i miss therapy

[DestinyRot707]

i dont know if this is really the place for this, but sometimes i miss goin to therapy. just to have someone to ask me how ive been even if i still cant really be honest about it. like i could never actually tell her how i was feeling or what i was thinkin about but it was nice to be asked.
and i miss bein able to ask questions about myself, just find out if what im goin thru is normal or ok. and i miss havin the ability to figure out WHAT is wrong with me. my last therapist barely diagnosed me with autism, and she was really great at listenin to me when i brought up stuff, but i do miss bein able to say "ive been havin horrible mood swings and i dont know how to stop and i just dont wanna feel anything anymore" and be told that im not the only one who feels that way. i dont miss all the repeated suggestions of things that dont work, but im not missing my old therapist im really just missing the concept of help i think. maybe i miss thinkin that i could ever psyche myself up enough to actually start helpin myself- maybe i just miss that period in my life. before i dropped out, before my best friend died, before everything went to complete irreversible shit. i dont know

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Hello @DestinyRot707,

Thanks for opening up and I'm so sorry that now you seems to be in a desolate place.

i dont know if this is really the place for this, but sometimes i miss goin to therapy. just to have someone to ask me how ive been even if i still cant really be honest about it. like i could never actually tell her how i was feeling or what i was thinkin about but it was nice to be asked.

I think you are in a right place - people here listen to you carefully.
I don't think this forum can substitute therapy, but personally, people here has helped me a lot.
Do you still feel desolate? I saw you said it in "Say one word about how your feeling today" thread.

and i miss bein able to ask questions about myself, just find out if what im goin thru is normal or ok. and i miss havin the ability to figure out WHAT is wrong with me. my last therapist barely diagnosed me with autism, and she was really great at listenin to me when i brought up stuff, but i do miss bein able to say "ive been havin horrible mood swings and i dont know how to stop and i just dont wanna feel anything anymore" and be told that im not the only one who feels that way.

Please ask me questions about yourself - my nickname was a "therapist" when I was in a psych ward. Of course I don't know much about you, so I'll ask you several questions and I'll tell you my opinions (again, I'm not a professional so I can't give you concrete advice.)

You are definitely not alone, as I have bipolar II and experience extreme mood swings too, and attempted to CTB several times because I didn't want feel anything anymore.

but im not missing my old therapist im really just missing the concept of help i think. maybe i miss thinkin that i could ever psyche myself up enough to actually start helpin myself- maybe i just miss that period in my life. before i dropped out, before my best friend died, before everything went to complete irreversible shit. i dont know

I'm so sorry you think your life went wrong and now it's irreversible, because it's terrible feeling - personally, I burned all my bridges, too, and I felt like the only logical choice I could make in my life is to CTB.
Unfortunately, I can't tell you "there is help" because I know not all people can be saved. Definitely there might be help, and I really hope you find it, but I can't make any promise.
You've suffered a lot (dropping out, bereavement etc.,) and
All I can do is to try to alleviate your suffering.

I still want to die and I think I'm a useless person who forget everything at work, but I don't have any CTB plan right now, because I'm curious about this world.
I think this world is generally a cruel place, but at the same time, weird things happen - for example, I've read about an woman with bipolar disorder who was "saved" by her "imaginary friend" - even though her situation seemed to be hopeless.

I hope your days will be a bit less unbearable

Love,
LoiteringClouds

 

[DestinyRot707]

sorry it took me a while to respond @LoiteringClouds it always surprises me when people talk to me and i never know what to say-

thank you for asking, i dont think i feel desolate right now but i dont really know what im feeling at this moment. i feel like it takes me so long to even recognize what im feeling and by the time i can figure it out its already changed against my will for no reason. i know, logically, that im not alone but no one in my life experiences this, and they seem to be constantly frustrated and sick of it and i just feel so alone because of it. ive always been like this though as long as i can remember and my mom also says ive always been this way, but i feel like as ive gotten older its just gotten more and more obvious. i couldnt graduate, i couldnt keep a job, now its almost impossible to get a job because of how bad my record looks, my mom has to help me with rent because i can barely pay for my own food, i feel like such an embarassment and a failure. i feel like my whole life has gone down the gutter, like the only possible future i have is just a worse hell and i just wish i had died when it would have actually been sad- when people still thought i could actually be or do anything.
but the worst part to me is the people who still DO believe i have any value- all my friends care about me and i know theyd be miserable if i died. i mentioned it for myself, but my best friend was all their friend too and i know none of us are over it- i dont think any of us ever will be. but no matter how long i go without talking to them they just dont stop caring, and its as amazing as it is nightmarish. i feel like i cant leave without saying anything, because theyll just keep waiting for me to come back or somehow think i hate them or something silly, but i cant tell them if i ctb because it would just make them all miserable all over again. i dont want them to be sad anymore.

i want help, but id rather just die, but i dont want to hurt anyone, but im tired of being in pain, so maybe i want help even if id rather just die because i dont want to hurt anyone and maybe if i get help i wont be in pain anymore? but i cant even imagine not being in pain anymore, i feel like its all my life is and i dont even know if its possible for me to not be in pain. i feel like it must be hard wired into me, soldered into the deepest parts of me from birth or something. does any of this make sense? i dont think ive ever said all of this before i dont know if ive said too much or not enough it feels like ive somehow done both simultaneously.

i do like it here a lot, being here makes me feel less lonely- at the very least it assures me that im not the only one who kinda hates it here in this life. im glad i found this place. and thank you for talking to me, even if you dont respond being able to put all of this into words like this was nice. i dont think youre useless- i dont think people need to have a use. ultimately i wish we could all just be alive and experience the world without having to worry so much about things like being useful or worthwhile, or a appeasing other people. sometimes it just feels like a pipe dream.
really thank you, i hope your days are easier as well

 

[LoiteringClouds]

sorry it took me a while to respond @LoiteringClouds it always surprises me when people talk to me and i never know what to say-

Hello @DestinyRot707 and thank you for your reply

thank you for asking, i dont think i feel desolate right now but i dont really know what im feeling at this moment. i feel like it takes me so long to even recognize what im feeling and by the time i can figure it out its already changed against my will for no reason. i know, logically, that im not alone but no one in my life experiences this, and they seem to be constantly frustrated and sick of it and i just feel so alone because of it. ive always been like this though as long as i can remember and my mom also says ive always been this way, but i feel like as ive gotten older its just gotten more and more obvious. i couldnt graduate, i couldnt keep a job, now its almost impossible to get a job because of how bad my record looks, my mom has to help me with rent because i can barely pay for my own food, i feel like such an embarassment and a failure. i feel like my whole life has gone down the gutter, like the only possible future i have is just a worse hell and i just wish i had died when it would have actually been sad- when people still thought i could actually be or do anything.

Having nobody whom you can open up to is nightmare - I had nobody, too, until I found one of my best friend in a psych ward. I had coped with my painful feelings through self-deception - I had told myself "it will pass," "you're just overreacting," etc.
And feeling like a failure was overwhelming for me, too. I've made several CTB attempts in my life and one of the reason was embarrassment.
Recently, my feeling of failure has been relieved a lot, but I'm 36 and still living with parents because of my low income, and still want to die because of it. I guess I just don't know that I'm feeling like a loser.

And because you said you don't really know what you are feeling - do you feel like "I should feel xyz"? You created a thread "I should be happy," so I guess you are really tired and want a "proof" that you're tired. Or do you have no motivation to commit to new opportunity?
(If you don't want to be specific, it's okay.)
I'm not a therapist, so these are just guessing and sorry if I'm wrong.

but the worst part to me is the people who still DO believe i have any value- all my friends care about me and i know theyd be miserable if i died. i mentioned it for myself, but my best friend was all their friend too and i know none of us are over it- i dont think any of us ever will be. but no matter how long i go without talking to them they just dont stop caring, and its as amazing as it is nightmarish. i feel like i cant leave without saying anything, because theyll just keep waiting for me to come back or somehow think i hate them or something silly, but i cant tell them if i ctb because it would just make them all miserable all over again. i dont want them to be sad anymore.

This is a tricky situation I think.
I don't want to leave my friends without saying anything and can't tell them "I'll CTB", too.
In my case, I didn't care about other people when I attempted, because I thought "they'll get over it because bereavement is a part of life."
But now I don't think they'll "get over it" when I go - you experienced bereavement, so you know how devastating it is.
Thanks for giving me a perspective

i want help, but id rather just die, but i dont want to hurt anyone, but im tired of being in pain, so maybe i want help even if id rather just die because i dont want to hurt anyone and maybe if i get help i wont be in pain anymore? but i cant even imagine not being in pain anymore, i feel like its all my life is and i dont even know if its possible for me to not be in pain. i feel like it must be hard wired into me, soldered into the deepest parts of me from birth or something. does any of this make sense?

I'm so sorry to hear that - this is a catch-22 situation...
I think some people won't recover, so it's understandable that you don't think you can remove your pain without CTBing.

i dont think ive ever said all of this before i dont know if ive said too much or not enough it feels like ive somehow done both simultaneously.

This forum is not TED talks, so I appreciate more information than less. Some people might say you should keep it concise, but in therapy, you say what you think and your therapist help you organize your thoughts, and this thread is titled "i miss therapy," so we can talk like a therapy session, I guess...

i do like it here a lot, being here makes me feel less lonely- at the very least it assures me that im not the only one who kinda hates it here in this life. im glad i found this place. and thank you for talking to me, even if you dont respond being able to put all of this into words like this was nice. i dont think youre useless- i dont think people need to have a use. ultimately i wish we could all just be alive and experience the world without having to worry so much about things like being useful or worthwhile, or a appeasing other people. sometimes it just feels like a pipe dream.
really thank you, i hope your days are easier as well

I'm glad you're here, too.
This forum is definitely a sanctuary for me, exactly because I don't need to be a person of merit here.

@DestinyRot707,
You and I are on this safe haven.
I hope you relax and rest a bit,
And in yourself, you find some grit.

You want to experience this world,
Despite all abuse people hurled.
So don't be afraid, let us explore -
We will no longer have to implore!

(If this is considered to be toxic positivity, please let me know.)

Thanks so much and I wish you the best

Love,
LoiteringClouds