Aimiya
Autism
- Nov 24, 2023
- 30
As a teen i used to have really bad dreams, of being chased by monsters. Of getting lost in a torture house. Of getting robbed and shot after dawn. Had a similar "infinite bathroom" dream most people must have heard about(I don't miss this one). Dreams trying to convince people I didn't do some random thing they were accusing me of doing. Dreams of being paralysed, and seeing a house/wall would fall on my family, being unable to scream or move, then being left there, alone, to see the pile of rocks, unable to do anything or even cry. Dreams of being stuck in a time loop where my family would be killed and I could do nothing each time. Dreams of knowing I'm in a dream, going to sleep in my bed to wake up irl, but then I'd wake up in another, slightly different dream and wouldn't notice I'm dreaming for like, 30 minutes, then after realizing what happened, I would repeat the process, of sleeping and waking up in a dream, each time I'd wake up in the dream it'd be more and more obvious I was sleeping, and couldn't wake up irl, it'd drive me crazy. Etc. Those happened very frequently.
Used to "hallucinate", saw people I knew standing in random places like a mannequin, looking straight ahead, they wouldn't move, but sometimes as I'd take my eyes off them, their heads would be looking a little lower/higher than they were before. Heard grunts just like someone who hit their leg walking in the middle of the night, very small grunts of someone who doesn't want to make any noise, who doesn't want me to notice them, some of these would come from behind me, it took me months to be able to turn around after hearing these, but never saw anything. Hallucinations where i saw blurred writings everywhere, some of these would be bloody red, saw objects moving, saw strange, deformed people looking at me, from cracks, from my peripheral, but most of the time it was from the doorway. Again, frequently, but no more than 1 at a time.
But most importantly, I miss my sleep paralysis demon, that thing was scary in ways I can't even describe, because I don't remember what happened in those dreams!
My brain has always been a master of shutting off bad memories, or any memory really, I've always had a below-average ability to recall events, period.
All I know is that I'd wake up in a cold sweat, feeling dreadful, with an urge to scream, sometimes I'd be crying, sometimes I'd just go into a fetal position while trying to convince myself it was just a dream and allat. They weren't violent dreams for the most part, that I can say for certain, it's just that some sounds - visuals - mannerisms will make anyone freak out.
One time, I vaguely remember realizing I was in the middle of a sleep paralysis dream, tried giving it the whole "you're not real, you don't scare me" schtick, it worked, until it didn't, it was so scary my brain went haywire. Needless to say I woke up the same way, maybe even worse, now knowing it's scary to the point knowing it's not real is not gonna help.
But on the next day I'd think "that was super cool, so interesting, my reaction and everything, also it's crazy how my own mind can come up with creative ways to freak me out"
That got me trying to intentionally have a Sleep Paralysis dream, which I only managed to pull off once. i slept with a (purposefully)wet belly exposed to my fan on the 2nd highest setting. My dad used to tell me sleeping with an exposed/cold belly, aka not wearing a blanket, especially if he ate before going to sleep, always made him have bad dreams. Ig it's not a placebo(?)
Anyway, idk WHY I miss sleep paralysis, don't know if I just liked seeing how sleeping me reacted to the horrors and analyzing it after. If it was just the strange emotions I could not feel anywhere else. Idk if it was just different. If it just made me feel alive, in the midst of the terror.
Idk. Anyway, this post is a wreck, a complete mess, don't read it. I could barely remember most of the stuff I was trying to write about. And with my memory, it'll will probably stay forgotten.
Used to "hallucinate", saw people I knew standing in random places like a mannequin, looking straight ahead, they wouldn't move, but sometimes as I'd take my eyes off them, their heads would be looking a little lower/higher than they were before. Heard grunts just like someone who hit their leg walking in the middle of the night, very small grunts of someone who doesn't want to make any noise, who doesn't want me to notice them, some of these would come from behind me, it took me months to be able to turn around after hearing these, but never saw anything. Hallucinations where i saw blurred writings everywhere, some of these would be bloody red, saw objects moving, saw strange, deformed people looking at me, from cracks, from my peripheral, but most of the time it was from the doorway. Again, frequently, but no more than 1 at a time.
But most importantly, I miss my sleep paralysis demon, that thing was scary in ways I can't even describe, because I don't remember what happened in those dreams!
My brain has always been a master of shutting off bad memories, or any memory really, I've always had a below-average ability to recall events, period.
All I know is that I'd wake up in a cold sweat, feeling dreadful, with an urge to scream, sometimes I'd be crying, sometimes I'd just go into a fetal position while trying to convince myself it was just a dream and allat. They weren't violent dreams for the most part, that I can say for certain, it's just that some sounds - visuals - mannerisms will make anyone freak out.
One time, I vaguely remember realizing I was in the middle of a sleep paralysis dream, tried giving it the whole "you're not real, you don't scare me" schtick, it worked, until it didn't, it was so scary my brain went haywire. Needless to say I woke up the same way, maybe even worse, now knowing it's scary to the point knowing it's not real is not gonna help.
But on the next day I'd think "that was super cool, so interesting, my reaction and everything, also it's crazy how my own mind can come up with creative ways to freak me out"
That got me trying to intentionally have a Sleep Paralysis dream, which I only managed to pull off once. i slept with a (purposefully)wet belly exposed to my fan on the 2nd highest setting. My dad used to tell me sleeping with an exposed/cold belly, aka not wearing a blanket, especially if he ate before going to sleep, always made him have bad dreams. Ig it's not a placebo(?)
Anyway, idk WHY I miss sleep paralysis, don't know if I just liked seeing how sleeping me reacted to the horrors and analyzing it after. If it was just the strange emotions I could not feel anywhere else. Idk if it was just different. If it just made me feel alive, in the midst of the terror.
Idk. Anyway, this post is a wreck, a complete mess, don't read it. I could barely remember most of the stuff I was trying to write about. And with my memory, it'll will probably stay forgotten.
