I miss my ex

[looking_for_peace]

sorry if this vent is weird. I'm drunk.

rn I'm so stressed with stupid college shit that I don't give a fuck about. I don't even know why I'm bothering with assignments/essays because I'm planning on killing myself anyway. I've always been suicidal, even at the age of 12. I remember how utterly shit I felt in school because I was bullied and/or ignored by all of my peers. What is more depressing is that I miss those times. I miss those times because it does not compare to the bullshit I deal with now at 20 years old. I thought things would get better.

I ghosted my ex when I realized I was going to ctb. It doesn't matter how much I love her if I'm going to leave either way, so I left. But I fucking miss her. And what is worse is that she misses me too. But I'm a suicidal alcoholic who doesn't want to get better, or maybe I can't get better. Addiction runs in my family. I've tried so many fucking times to get better, be sober. I can't do it. I think I will be ctbing soon. I just don't have the strength to deal with this

The few friends I made on here have ctb'd. I miss them so much although I don't blame them at all. Life is horrible

 

[sheleftme1]

Please reach out to her. As someone who misses someone who doesn't miss me… or want me I'd give anything in my life to get her back. I'm not going to be the one to try and convince you not to do something you have chosen to do. But if I were you I'd find joy in being with someone you love. You may not actually want to ctb… and there is a part of me that understands that fear of no ever being better. But don't ruin your chances with that… we all want to ctb because of our own reasons. And honestly I don't think I'll ever be able to do it. But you should at least give yourself a chance to find joy if she gives you that. I know I loved this woman I lost more than my life and that's why life without her now is just empty. Please give her your presence as life as the person that can't fix things is miserable. If she loves you the way I loved this woman you should give her a chance.
Also I'm a former alcoholic… I've been sober 6 years and trust me… getting off the alcohol doesn't fix your problems it just makes you have to deal with them. It isn't a great thing to have issues man trust me I know. We want to be normal too… but if you have love and she misses you find joy in her. Please do that…

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

It's okay to miss your ex, you are only human and you are allowed to and please be kind to yourself and also don't be too hard on yourself. If you miss her why don't just call her, talk to her and be honest with how you feel and you guys might be able to sort your issues out and she might end up bringing you peace and joy so that you won't have to complete ctb. Can you not complete ctb just for her since you said you miss her and she misses you too. Cherish the one you love and the one that loves you back. I know it's ironic for me to say this when I'm going to complete crb myself but if you feel there is a chance for happiness or peace in the future just give life another chance and please call her, she might be waiting for your call and just apologise for ghosting her. I wish you all the best to whatever decision you might end up taking and if you want someone to chat to .. I can listen and offer advice to the best of my ability as long as I'm still on this site.

 

[looking_for_peace]

Please reach out to her. As someone who misses someone who doesn't miss me… or want me I'd give anything in my life to get her back. I'm not going to be the one to try and convince you not to do something you have chosen to do. But if I were you I'd find joy in being with someone you love. You may not actually want to ctb… and there is a part of me that understands that fear of no ever being better. But don't ruin your chances with that… we all want to ctb because of our own reasons. And honestly I don't think I'll ever be able to do it. But you should at least give yourself a chance to find joy if she gives you that. I know I loved this woman I lost more than my life and that's why life without her now is just empty. Please give her your presence as life as the person that can't fix things is miserable. If she loves you the way I loved this woman you should give her a chance.
Also I'm a former alcoholic… I've been sober 6 years and trust me… getting off the alcohol doesn't fix your problems it just makes you have to deal with them. It isn't a great thing to have issues man trust me I know. We want to be normal too… but if you have love and she misses you find joy in her. Please do that…

It's okay to miss your ex, you are only human and you are allowed to and please be kind to yourself and also don't be too hard on yourself. If you miss her why don't just call her, talk to her and be honest with how you feel and you guys might be able to sort your issues out and she might end up bringing you peace and joy so that you won't have to complete ctb. Can you not complete ctb just for her since you said you miss her and she misses you too. Cherish the one you love and the one that loves you back. I know it's ironic for me to say this when I'm going to complete crb myself but if you feel there is a chance for happiness or peace in the future just give life another chance and please call her, she might be waiting for your call and just apologise for ghosting her. I wish you all the best to whatever decision you might end up taking and if you want someone to chat to .. I can listen and offer advice to the best of my ability as long as I'm still on this site.

thank you for your replies. I understand where you come from, I really do. But the main reason I ghosted is because I knew she would forgive me no matter what. You're right, I would be happier if I just called and apologized, but what about her happiness? should she have to put up with a selfish and toxic person who isn't willing to get better? someone who will likely ctb regardless of the love I receive? I know it seems fucking stupid when I have someone I love who loves me back, but I'm so mentally ill that it isn't so simple. I've hurt her so many times that it doesn't seem worth going back.

 

[Mirrory Me]

It may not make sense to stop drinking alcohol, but reducing the amount does - it has its own risks and side effects. If you can stay within the limits, it shouldn't be a problem.

 

[sheleftme1]

I'll say this… if she loves you then she wants you around. We all want to ctb for various reasons and most of those reasons are because we are struggling with something we don't know how to fix. You may ctb but it's unlikely honestly. It's a difficult thing to do or you would have done it. Her happiness may include you. You don't know the future man. And I don't know fully your trauma. I just know that if you know she misses you and you miss her then you should stop ghosting her. Love at its core can be very very heartbreaking and rather you call or not if you end up deciding to leave then she will hurt from it. I truly hate that I don't feel I can get my love back and you have that sitting in your phone a woman who loves and misses you. Please go and get your woman back. I know on this site we all have a desire to get away from suffering but it's not a sure fire fix either to ctb. I'm asking you as someone who loves very hard… just reach out to her and find out what to do. I don't want anyone to ctb truly… I want all of us to find a reason to live. And you are young enough that it's worth the shot. I'm sorry for trying to change your mind about something you have stated you will do… but there is a reason for you saying your feelings about her. You are obviously trying to be a good person but it's too late to prevent her pain. Just please reach out to her. Don't think about it and just do it.

 

[FuneralCry]

Existence really is so unnecessarily cruel and it does sound so tiring what you have to go through, it's certainly very much understandable wishing to finally be free from all the suffering that existing brings. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Vizzy]

thank you for your replies. I understand where you come from, I really do. But the main reason I ghosted is because I knew she would forgive me no matter what. You're right, I would be happier if I just called and apologized, but what about her happiness? should she have to put up with a selfish and toxic person who isn't willing to get better? someone who will likely ctb regardless of the love I receive? I know it seems fucking stupid when I have someone I love who loves me back, but I'm so mentally ill that it isn't so simple. I've hurt her so many times that it doesn't seem worth going back.

No don't call her or try to get back with her because it gonna be hard for you two better leave it this way as she can heal from this pain, if you connect with her and do ctb then it's gonna hurt her more

Just see her pictures or videos you have with her and just let it go!

 

[looking_for_peace]

No don't call her or try to get back with her because it gonna be hard for you two better leave it this way as she can heal from this pain, if you connect with her and do ctb then it's gonna hurt her more

Just see her pictures or videos you have with her and just let it go!

I agree with you. realistically, this is whats going to happen. I'm going to ctb. we live a long fucking time, I'd rather her love someone else

 

[Zaphkiel]

I mean.
You're aware of everything and you realize them.
Therefore you made the first step to not be and can chose to not be a 'selfish cunt'
Happiness can be a call away.
Why not try it?
Ctb'ing is a definitive and irreversible choice while you can try as much as you can / want.

Edit : saw my post needing to be reviewed by a mod. I guess it's for the c-word that I quoted from op. Sorry if I broke a rule.

 

[purity]

i believe you have the potential to recover from your alcohol addiction. though, it's another story on if it's worth the withdrawals and suffering that comes along with it. if you truly will ctb, i think ghosting her was your best resort. however, it seems you still have some compassion and essence left, so i urge you to try to explain and resolve things if you haven't. i dont know your situation as well as you nor is everything black and white, so in the end i hope you make the best decision.

 

[looking_for_peace]

I appreciate all of your comments.

 

[meowmeowkitty]

thank you for your replies. I understand where you come from, I really do. But the main reason I ghosted is because I knew she would forgive me no matter what. You're right, I would be happier if I just called and apologized, but what about her happiness? should she have to put up with a selfish and toxic person who isn't willing to get better? someone who will likely ctb regardless of the love I receive? I know it seems fucking stupid when I have someone I love who loves me back, but I'm so mentally ill that it isn't so simple. I've hurt her so many times that it doesn't seem worth going back.

no it doesn't seem stupid i fully understand. maintaining a relationship with someone when ur dealing with depression and suicide ideation is extremely hard, ESPECIALLY when you really love the person. i recently broke up with my ex too, i genuinely believe he was my soulmate if that kinda things is even real, but i did it for the both of us. he's so much happier and full of life than i am and i would hate myself if i brought him down or did anything to hurt him. i truly love him and i hope the best for him in the future, but as for myself, i can't wait to die.