Misery99
Experienced
- May 12, 2020
- 212
We had lots of things in common and we managed to stay in touch throughout the years. He was always listening to my venting about my narcissistic family and issues like that without any judgement. He wasn't interested about being social and outgoing and neither I am. He didn't want to have kids or anything stressful like that. He wished to live in peaceful nature. Just like how I want to live the life. He never pressured me to do anything which I didn't feel comfortable about. In modern age where most people are only focused about sex when it comes to online dating and not about getting to truly know the person, what we shared was truly remarkable. I miss talking to him and sharing our ideas often. Sometimes the thoughts in my mind are too loud wondering if he's okay nowadays and I can't even sleep well.
Back then I was too paranoid about people knowing my suicidal tendencies and personal issues unless it was anonymous so I even hid myself from him for many years. But he didn't judge me for it or anything. I remember sending him a picture of myself with my eyes covered. I was acting like such a paranoid weirdo. It's probably because of my mental health issues. He was dealing with his own issues too. He hated being around people and he said that he even likes having privacy in a relationship. I liked that idea too. Most people want to be over each other all the time when they are in a relationship but it can feel suffocating. It's nice to get some 'me' time and being able to sleep alone and spend some quality time alone for some days even while you are in a relationship. We both enjoyed the freedom of solitude.
I realize that what we had was something very special. We understood and accepted how each other felt and to my surprise when we finally met after years of chatting, we had even more chemistry in person than I had imagined. He gave me a warm hug and I felt like my depression disappeared when that happened. He was a good and honest person.I wish that I had met him in person a lot earlier. Things could have been a lot changed if that was the case. But I was already in the process to move to another country and he thought that it would be better for me to move to there. But a home doesn't feel like a home if it's not the life you actually feel comfortable living. I would not have to be pretend to be someone else if I was with him and I would not have to worry about sudden plans to travel and none of the stuff which I don't actually like to do. Just chilling whole days and weeks would have worked great for me and that's what he had wanted too. Us not having to deal with the people and just living in our own worlds. We could have enjoyed a comfortable life until we both had decided that it's time for us to ctb and leave this chaotic world together.
Back then I was too paranoid about people knowing my suicidal tendencies and personal issues unless it was anonymous so I even hid myself from him for many years. But he didn't judge me for it or anything. I remember sending him a picture of myself with my eyes covered. I was acting like such a paranoid weirdo. It's probably because of my mental health issues. He was dealing with his own issues too. He hated being around people and he said that he even likes having privacy in a relationship. I liked that idea too. Most people want to be over each other all the time when they are in a relationship but it can feel suffocating. It's nice to get some 'me' time and being able to sleep alone and spend some quality time alone for some days even while you are in a relationship. We both enjoyed the freedom of solitude.
I realize that what we had was something very special. We understood and accepted how each other felt and to my surprise when we finally met after years of chatting, we had even more chemistry in person than I had imagined. He gave me a warm hug and I felt like my depression disappeared when that happened. He was a good and honest person.I wish that I had met him in person a lot earlier. Things could have been a lot changed if that was the case. But I was already in the process to move to another country and he thought that it would be better for me to move to there. But a home doesn't feel like a home if it's not the life you actually feel comfortable living. I would not have to be pretend to be someone else if I was with him and I would not have to worry about sudden plans to travel and none of the stuff which I don't actually like to do. Just chilling whole days and weeks would have worked great for me and that's what he had wanted too. Us not having to deal with the people and just living in our own worlds. We could have enjoyed a comfortable life until we both had decided that it's time for us to ctb and leave this chaotic world together.
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wish I didn't act like such a paranoid and insecure person back then and wish I had the courage do what I wanted without seeking approval from my narcissistic family.
