I miss being actively suicidal

[SanJunipero1]

I know it sounds counter intuitive but before my failed attempt and confirmation that I don't have the capacity to override my survival instinct, the thought alone that I could end my own suffering and that my destiny was in my own hands was enough to calm me down whenever I'd have an overwhelmingly painful episode.
I could literally calm myself down just by putting a noose around my neck.
Now whenever we things get too much, I'm self annihilating in other ways with booze, drugs or binge eating. It's a good thing we are on lockdown coz I know if it was just business as usual, I'd go out and get fucked up without any regards for my safety. I want to die, I don't want to hurt myself. Oh to just fall asleep and never wake up...

 

[WhiteDespair]

There's a freedom in wanting to die. I've been soft CtB for a little while like not wearing a seatbelt. The worst was when I wasn't looking to make it home.

Then, you find you can control other aspects of your life and go from there.

 

[SanJunipero1]

It was just such a relief of an escape plan and losing it makes my episodes so much harder to climb out of.

I honestly believe that if everyone had the freedom of self determination, that knowledge alone would be enough to push through the darkness.
It's the sensation of being trapped forever that makes it all so unbearable.

I'll climb out of this hole eventually coz I always do, and I'll get back on top of things, be fully functional, have fun etc but I'll also be back here eventually too.

I can normally go two three months before crashing because that's how long I can pretend life is worth living without my soulmate. I just wish I'd never tried to join him because knowing I can't is the worst.

 

[Done at Fifty]

There's a comfort in living life with one foot out the door. Being suicidal for me is like standing in the door way of life, looking in at existence, not wanting to engage and ready to step out completely if it gets too bad. That's why I love this forum. I have others standing in the door way with me who understand.

 

[timf]

Sometimes people find that suicidal thoughts free them from the pressures that have been accumulating and conclude that it is a confirmation that they should go through with it. However, often the ability to detach from the pressures is what was important to achieve. Some find an attractiveness in suicidal ideation because they derive a sense of purpose or control combined with an expectation of relief.

What is often found is not confirmation that suicide was the right choice, rather the ability to overcome was within the person all along. Credit and recognition needs to be given to that which is already in you, that spark of control and purpose that can be applied so that it grows from an infrequent spark to that upon which a happier life can be built.

 

[SanJunipero1]

There's a comfort in living life with one foot out the door. Being suicidal for me is like standing in the door way of life, looking in at existence, not wanting to engage and ready to step out completely if it gets too bad. That's why I love this forum. I have others standing in the door way with me who understand.

Yeah it really helps talking to people who get it. I'm mostly active on a young widow forum which is my lifeline. Everyone there is so supportive and there are many like me, suicidal over the loss of their person. I don't tend to post much here as I don't feel the same level of kinship but I will always be grateful to this place as it was the first I came across where people truly understand what it means to be suicidal and who don't judge. That's why I dip my head in from time to time.

Sometimes people find that suicidal thoughts free them from the pressures that have been accumulating and conclude that it is a confirmation that they should go through with it. However, often the ability to detach from the pressures is what was important to achieve. Some find an attractiveness in suicidal ideation because they derive a sense of purpose or control combined with an expectation of relief.

What is often found is not confirmation that suicide was the right choice, rather the ability to overcome was within the person all along. Credit and recognition needs to be given to that which is already in you, that spark of control and purpose that can be applied so that it grows from an infrequent spark to that upon which a happier life can be built.

I appreciate you taking the time to reply but my situation is different. I am already aware of all this and know all the things that do and don't help. I also know that I am very capable of living but I simply don't want to. Even when I'm having the best time, laughing my head off having great fun with my mates or receiving praise for my writing, being told how helpful it is to other widows, it doesn't matter, none of it comes close to being with him and even on my happiest day, if you could give me a pill to take that would see me die in my sleep, I would take it without a second's hesitation.

I was just bitching about the fact that my most severe episodes were much easier to alleviate when I had the illusion of an escape route.

But thanks anyway.