i might take SN tonight

[user667]

tonight has been my plan for about a month now. i'm so scared. i feel like if i don't do it today i never will. am i going to be less scared in a week or two weeks or a month? no. i have to do it tonight. i want to die so badly. i'm not scared of death. i'm scared of waking up in the hospital and being stuck there. i'm scared of all the pain that's going to come after i take the SN. despite what others say here, i'm not naive enough to believe it's truly peaceful. i'm not even taking an antiemetic so i know i'm gonna vomit a shit ton. i want out of here but so many things could go wrong. part of me wants to go back to the psych ward. i would have everyone know how i'm feeling and treat me like a baby. but i know i don't really want to. it would be fun for about 30 minutes and then i would deeply regret it. because it doesn't solve the problem. the root of the problem for me is human existence. besides last time i went to the psych ward it was awful and they didn't even baby me they were mean asf. anyways i don't want that and i know i don't but survival instinct is kicking in and it always makes me feel like a very small child who needs to be babied. but i'm trying to just soothe myself and take care of myself so that i can go through with my plan. i know i'll finally be free once i'm dead. i'm just terrified of getting there. i don't know if i'll do it tonight but i really want to. i wish i didn't have to use SN i wish i could just flip a switch and drift off the death

 

[HadEnough1974]

tonight has been my plan for about a month now. i'm so scared. i feel like if i don't do it today i never will. am i going to be less scared in a week or two weeks or a month? no. i have to do it tonight. i want to die so badly. i'm not scared of death. i'm scared of waking up in the hospital and being stuck there. i'm scared of all the pain that's going to come after i take the SN. despite what others say here, i'm not naive enough to believe it's truly peaceful. i'm not even taking an antiemetic so i know i'm gonna vomit a shit ton. i want out of here but so many things could go wrong. part of me wants to go back to the psych ward. i would have everyone know how i'm feeling and treat me like a baby. but i know i don't really want to. it would be fun for about 30 minutes and then i would deeply regret it. because it doesn't solve the problem. the root of the problem for me is human existence. besides last time i went to the psych ward it was awful and they didn't even baby me they were mean asf. anyways i don't want that and i know i don't but survival instinct is kicking in and it always makes me feel like a very small child who needs to be babied. but i'm trying to just soothe myself and take care of myself so that i can go through with my plan. i know i'll finally be free once i'm dead. i'm just terrified of getting there. i don't know if i'll do it tonight but i really want to. i wish i didn't have to use SN i wish i could just flip a switch and drift off the death

You seem desperate and impulsive at this point. On one hand, you want out, on the other hand, you're not sure. Would you like to share what's happening?

 

[death137]

I'm sorry sending hugs

 

[user667]

You seem desperate and impulsive at this point. On one hand, you want out, on the other hand, you're not sure. Would you like to share what's happening?

i've wanted this for years. i'm positive i want this. but god i just want comfort. i want someone to hold me close and stroke my hair. i want to be a little kid again. but comfort only lasts for a fleeting second. the dread of reality sets in. and then i would be in twice as much pain as before. i think if i don't do it i will regret it. i think that regret will be the worst thing i've ever experienced. i want this so bad but it's so hard.

 

[HadEnough1974]

i've wanted this for years. i'm positive i want this. but god i just want comfort. i want someone to hold me close and stroke my hair. i want to be a little kid again. but comfort only lasts for a fleeting second. the dread of reality sets in. and then i would be in twice as much pain as before. i think if i don't do it i will regret it. i think that regret will be the worst thing i've ever experienced. i want this so bad but it's so hard.

Have you considered other options? Therapy, different types of therapy, medication, different types of medications? Do you have a disgnosis?

 

[user667]

Have you considered other options? Therapy, different types of therapy, medication, different types of medications? Do you have a disgnosis?

diagnosis depression anxiety adhd and i was supposed to get evaluated for ocd and bipolar in feb. i've tried everything. psych wards, PHP, IOP, therapy, like ten different meds. shit doesn't help. i don't want to feel better. i don't want to be happy. there is no point in "recovering" just to be stupid and ignorant. life is meaningless and the root of my problems isn't mental illness, it is existence. death will be the end of my existence and that is all i want so i don't know why it's so hard. survival instinct is a bitch ig. all i want is to be free.

 

[HadEnough1974]

diagnosis depression anxiety adhd and i was supposed to get evaluated for ocd and bipolar in feb. i've tried everything. psych wards, PHP, IOP, therapy, like ten different meds. shit doesn't help. i don't want to feel better. i don't want to be happy. there is no point in "recovering" just to be stupid and ignorant. life is meaningless and the root of my problems isn't mental illness, it is existence. death will be the end of my existence and that is all i want so i don't know why it's so hard. survival instinct is a bitch ig. all i want is to be free.

What do you think is the underlying root cause of your depression and anxiety? I understand that your mere existence is painful, but what do you think is the root cause of all this pain?

 

[Kbeau]

I hear you. I'd like to just not exist anymore. No drama or ctb work, just let me turn ths off switch - I'm done. Sounds like tonight might not be a great idea - maybe put it off for now. Whatever you decide I hear you and wish you the best

 

[user667]

What do you think is the underlying root cause of your depression and anxiety? I understand that your mere existence is painful, but what do you think is the root cause of all this pain?

it's more like life is pointless and i just don't enjoy conscious. i don't want to have a brain or a human body. i want to not exist at all. so in that sense it's not exactly about pain. my therapist says my depression comes from my childhood but that doesn't really make sense because i have two loving parents like they weren't always the best and some shit happened but it wasn't bad. anyways i don't really care what the root is. all i know is that i don't want to be here and i never will. i'm just trying to gather the strength to make it out of here

I hear you. I'd like to just not exist anymore. No drama or ctb work, just let me turn ths off switch - I'm done. Sounds like tonight might not be a great idea - maybe put it off for now. Whatever you decide I hear you and wish you the best

that's how i feel. i just feel like if i put it off what happens then? if i put it off when will i be ready? i don't think i can wait much longer.

 

[HadEnough1974]

it's more like life is pointless and i just don't enjoy conscious. i don't want to have a brain or a human body. i want to not exist at all. so in that sense it's not exactly about pain. my therapist says my depression comes from my childhood but that doesn't really make sense because i have two loving parents like they weren't always the best and some shit happened but it wasn't bad. anyways i don't really care what the root is. all i know is that i don't want to be here and i never will. i'm just trying to gather the strength to make it out of here

that's how i feel. i just feel like if i put it off what happens then? if i put it off when will i be ready? i don't think i can wait much longer.

my therapist says my depression comes from my childhood but that doesn't really make sense because i have two loving parents like they weren't always the best and some shit happened but it wasn't bad.

"They weren't always the best and some shit happened"... can you elaborate on that?

 

[user667]

"They weren't always the best and some shit happened"... can you elaborate on that?

i mean my mom had severe anxiety and perfectionism so she had this "vision" of a perfect family and my sister fit her vision and i didn't. so she sort of just like got upset and forced me to be someone who wasn't myself. so i dressed how she wanted and talked how she wanted and acted how she wanted for years, meanwhile i was very depressed and anxious but i went through it alone. after i attempted suicide she started being nicer and paying more attention to me but some fucked up stuff happened to like she yelled at me to kill myself and threatened me and stuff. i could see she was only doing it because she was hurt tho and i hate myself for hurting her. my dad idk he was alright but he never cared very much. i don't even think he ever wanted kids. he just sorta went to work and locked himself in his room so physically he's here but emotionally he's not really part of my life

 

[HadEnough1974]

i mean my mom had severe anxiety and perfectionism so she had this "vision" of a perfect family and my sister fit her vision and i didn't. so she sort of just like got upset and forced me to be someone who wasn't myself. so i dressed how she wanted and talked how she wanted and acted how she wanted for years, meanwhile i was very depressed and anxious but i went through it alone. after i attempted suicide she started being nicer and paying more attention to me but some fucked up stuff happened to like she yelled at me to kill myself and threatened me and stuff. i could see she was only doing it because she was hurt tho and i hate myself for hurting her. my dad idk he was alright but he never cared very much. i don't even think he ever wanted kids. he just sorta went to work and locked himself in his room so physically he's here but emotionally he's not really part of my life

Thank you for sharing and elaborating. So it seems like you were forced to be someone that you are not for many years and that has had an everlasting impact on how you are feeling in the present.

I think your therapist is right in saying that your depression is related to your childhood. I think you are dealing with the trauma that your controlling mother and emotionally distant father has caused you.

From my experience, I see a potential to recovery for you. However, as the saying goes, you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

I would recommend a book called "homecoming" written by John Bradshaw. Feel free to pm me if you want.

 

[user667]

m

Thank you for sharing and elaborating. So it seems like you were forced to be someone that you are not for many years and that has had an everlasting impact on how you are feeling in the present.

I think your therapist is right in saying that your depression is related to your childhood. I think you are dealing with the trauma that your controlling mother and emotionally distant father has caused you.

From my experience, I see a potential to recovery for you. However, as the saying goes, you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

I would recommend a book called "homecoming" written by John Bradshaw. Feel free to pm me if you want.

maybe there's a potential for recovery, but i don't want it. i've made my decision, i'm just struggling to complete it. i don't want to be helped. all i want is death. i'm just not sure how to get there. and i hate being stuck in limbo where i don't want to live or recover but i don't know how to die. it's living hell. id do anything to get out of here.

 

[HadEnough1974]

m

maybe there's a potential for recovery, but i don't want it. i've made my decision, i'm just struggling to complete it. i don't want to be helped. all i want is death. i'm just not sure how to get there. and i hate being stuck in limbo where i don't want to live or recover but i don't know how to die. it's living hell. id do anything to get out of here.

I'm absolutely convinced that there is a path to recovery for you if that's what you chose. I'm pro-choice, it's for you to chose what you want. However, I know that you're feeling overwhelmed right now and all you can think about is ctb, end the pain. I hear you and feel you. If you want to discuss a path to recovery, you can pm me. If you chose to exit, it would be impulsive and you may end up doing more harm to yourself.

As always, you can pm me if you want a path to recovery, taking baby steps.

Please consider reading the book "homecoming" from John Bradshaw. It deals with exactly what you've experienced as a child.

 

[LastFlowers]

Thank you for sharing and elaborating. So it seems like you were forced to be someone that you are not for many years and that has had an everlasting impact on how you are feeling in the present.

I think your therapist is right in saying that your depression is related to your childhood. I think you are dealing with the trauma that your controlling mother and emotionally distant father has caused you.

From my experience, I see a potential to recovery for you. However, as the saying goes, you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

I would recommend a book called "homecoming" written by John Bradshaw. Feel free to pm me if you want.

That is extremely offensive to analyze someone like that, on a site like this-of all places. (I was under the impression that people came here to get away from that sort of thing.)
Only they can know the real reasons why they want to ctb or what contributes and what doesn't.
I also find the statement "you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped" an incredibly patronizing way of placing the blame on the person suffering and absolving yourself of the inability to influence them, with what seems to be some questionable pro-life esque, pushy perseverance.

Maybe your definition of "help" is not helpful to them. Perhaps it is even harmful. You can't design someone else's solution and then act like they don't want any help in general, just because they refuse the type shaped by your biased perception.
It is their outlook of the life that only they have to live, that holds the most truth and significance. Even if the member you are speaking to might actually be saying they don't want help of ANY kind, that statement should still be wiped off the face of the earth. There is a difference between gently cautioning someone or making sure they thought this over, and outright pushing to extract information just to throw it in their face and ignore the fact that everything you're telling them, they have already said was not going to cut it.


..And how long were you holding onto that psychoanalytical book recommendation? (What's next, Freud?) How could you know such a thing deals with "exactly" what they experienced as a child? You know this, just from the bare bones replies they gave to you? Come on.
There is an entire life they lived that you will never be privy to, no matter how much they try to explain to you on a forum thread. I am sensing some very fishy motivations in these posts of yours. Unless this is a consequence of the recent efforts in trying to get this site shut down, and you are trying to display the opposite of what can be used against us. But man, that's really giving you the benefit of the doubt

 

[HadEnough1974]

That is extremely offensive to analyze someone like that, on a site like this-of all places. (I was under the impression that people came here to get away from that sort or thing.)
Only they can know the real reasons why they want to ctb or what contributes and what doesn't.
I also find the statement "you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped" an incredibly patronizing way of placing the blame on the person suffering and absolving yourself of the inability to influence them, with what seems to be some questionable pro-life esque, pushy perseverance.

Maybe your definition of "help" is not helpful to them. Perhaps it is even harmful. You can't design someone else's solution and then act like they don't want any help in general, just because they refuse the type shaped by your biased perception.
It is their outlook of the life that only they have to live, that holds the most truth and significance. Even if the member you are speaking to might actually be saying they don't want help of ANY kind, that statement should still be wiped off the face of the earth. There is a difference between gently cautioning someone or making sure they thought this over, and outright pushing to extract information just to throw it in their face and ignore the fact that everything you're telling them, they have already said was not going to cut it.

@LastFlowers I read everything you wrote, I disagree with you, but you have the right to your opinion.

Ps: in response to your edit, I read that too. Still completely disagree. Please don't use the OP thread to attack someone else. If you have an issue with me, send me a pm.

 

[wordsonscreen]

Whatever you do, be as sure of it as you would be of drinking water when you are thirsty. okay? It is 100% your choice.

 

[Deleted member 1768]

That is extremely offensive to analyze someone like that, on a site like this-of all places. (I was under the impression that people came here to get away from that sort or thing.)
Only they can know the real reasons why they want to ctb or what contributes and what doesn't.
I also find the statement "you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped" an incredibly patronizing way of placing the blame on the person suffering and absolving yourself of the inability to influence them, with what seems to be some questionable pro-life esque, pushy perseverance.

Maybe your definition of "help" is not helpful to them. Perhaps it is even harmful. You can't design someone else's solution and then act like they don't want any help in general, just because they refuse the type shaped by your biased perception.
It is their outlook of the life that only they have to live, that holds the most truth and significance. Even if the member you are speaking to might actually be saying they don't want help of ANY kind, that statement should still be wiped off the face of the earth. There is a difference between gently cautioning someone or making sure they thought this over, and outright pushing to extract information just to throw it in their face and ignore the fact that everything you're telling them, they have already said was not going to cut it.


..And how long were you holding onto that psychoanalytical book recommendation? (What's next, Freud?) How could you know such a thing deals with "exactly" what they experienced as a child? You know this, just from the bare bones replies they gave to you? Come on.
There is an entire life they lived that you will never be privy to, no matter how much they try to explain to you on a forum thread. I am sensing some very fishy motivations in these posts of yours. Unless this is a consequence of the recent efforts in trying to get this site shut down, and you are trying to display the opposite of what can be used against us. But man, that's really giving you the benefit of the doubt

I completely agree with you Flowers. Never realized how beneficial the ignore button is, until I read 1974.

 

[aminend]

How are u. R u still here

 

[user667]

How are u. R u still here

yup. too tired and scared. i'm absolutely devastated i didn't do it. the pain and regret i feel right now is unbearable. i wish i were dead.

 

[aminend]

I understand u. That's most important decision in our life.
My date is 1month later. I hope I can do it

 

[Defenestration]

yup. too tired and scared. i'm absolutely devastated i didn't do it. the pain and regret i feel right now is unbearable. i wish i were dead.

What happening? How fail?

 

[Sherri]

Sorry life brought you to this decision. If you go ahead, wish you to have a peaceful journey, of you decide to stick around a bit longer that's also ok. Hugs